Escapism

For somebody who has always prided herself for facing and living in reality.I was in
for a rude shock today.I realsied that I am a escapist.

God is selfish

God is selfish,I guess after writing this I am not going to be his favourite,I guess.
Have not been for sometime.He has been nice to me at one point of my life and I have been extremely grateful to him for that.Then there was a time when I thought that
believing in god just because he does a lot of favours for you and makes your life
easy is not fair. Then there was a long wait for life to bring with it some ray of happiness,there was a fight with hoplessnes and I won.today I have lost the game.I smiled when I cried I believed when My heart was torn to pieces a milion times,There was always a tiny voice that said better will come.That bad happens for good. Today I stand at a point from where I can see miles and miles of burning sand
and there is no mirage.
My faith died today,the one thing that kept me going through disappointments from man and from life.I want to believe that I am wrong but today this blamegame does not work. I have lost a game that I tried hard to play.I am wrong I know,there are people whose life is nightmare that I cannot even comprehend. But I cannot forget my tears in the thought of theirs. They say a believers heart when closes opens up to demons that are seven times more powerful. I dont know if I have the strength to fight them,I dont know If I will survive. I just know that today I am standing all alone on shores that are unknown to me.Totally alone without my strength my hope my faith.I have never hated anybody.no matter the pain inflicted. Today I want them to answer. I wnat them to answer me for their digression. for my pain, for my love and for their betrayal,they will have to answer today for my tears and for my blood. The mass that my heart has been turned into, it has lost the power to beat. It lies limp without any kind of feeling and warmth. Its dieing a sorry death. I guess it desrerves it. in this world of selfishness there is no place for a heart that beats with love for love.

Faith

winning with life has been a dream that has always been achievable.The biggest
mistake I make is experiencing any dimension of happiness. Its not allowed in my life
and despite knowing this I cross the line.Well disappointments are a part of life.
somebody has said that I expect too much out of life and people. Is it wrong to
expect? perhaps it is.I often wonder IF i expect too much or in this world of living life as a island any amount or kind of expectation is wrong.There is a small doubt
thats growing in my head and I am very scared to acknowledge it.Sometimes you dont
want to come to face your own realisations. Its very difficult to let go of your
deepest beliefs.Keeping the truth alive they say is not difficult. It has a life of its own. Lies needs to be fed otherwise it dies a sudden death. When truth needs to
be fed with self assurance. One fine day you stop and question. Is this necessary ?
the truth that was your hope has suddenly dwindled into nothingness and what is left with you is nothing but thing air that which is invisible yet you believe in that
which keeps u alive.Your life is a witness to that truth.
My faith has seen me through a lot of storms.There was a reason to believe and I did.
Its been a very longtime since I ahve found peace.Is it a price I am paying because my faith is not as strong as it is supposed to be ? Are all answers supposed to come from me not from my faith. Today faith stands alone.

Thought !

when life takes away from you answers,
you have to go hunting for them in your heart,
when your heart refuses to divulge information,
the best person to ask is your mind,
when your mind takes a stand that leaves you in a lurge ask your will,
thats the only place where u will find your answers,
tucked away in a matrix of whys and no's.