a question.....

I must have never questioned my faith as much as I have in theses past few months, sometimes you misjudge the importance of something in your life and then you stand at the crossroad when you have staked it at the table of life and you have lost. At that moment you dont know which way to take the one less traveled by seems as good as the one which is tried and tested. Its a place where you never thought you would find yourself, and nothing you have ever experienced will ready you for it. yet you stand staring at the road ahead asking your heart to show you the way. You have a very nasty doubt that your heart is probably changing color and you cannot listen to it anymore. From here the journey is alone, desperately you look up for the directions you have got till now and you draw a blank. Right wrong simply just seem muddled up right does'nt hurt ego does and you wonder if its your ego knocking at your heart and tearing your heart apart. Is it fair that every time i have to look inside my soul for a ego that may not always exist does it hurt enough maybe it doesnt does it have to. Perhaps the need to find fault within myself every time helps to forgive does the fault exist. Cant I forgive without finding a fault that exists within me that's something that would make you a good human being. I cant where does that put me as a person there are some questions to which you get answers when you are no longer looking for them and this question seems exactly to be the one.

Time

I ma absolutely at a loss, the feeling of not knowing is the worst of any emotion which could arise in your soul. The possibility of not knowing from where the next batch of self earned money is going ton come is a pretty scary proposition especially for somebody like me who has always been the one who has fulfilled every missing gap. As things take their own sweet time, I wonder where will be the next stop. Its a place where I find myself every two years. Not a a very happy place to be if i could help it. I dont like change like most hapless human beings its mostly shoved down my throat most of the time I like the taste but there are also some of those times when I absolutely detest it. I wonder how its going to taste this time though I am not liking what is being presented currently. Its a matter of time that is what everybody is saying but what if there was no time, what if this was it time had arrived and it had arrived with nothing in its hand, with nothing to offer.

self sustainence

The ability to self sustain is the most valuable one will ever learn. Though the learning process will have tears rolling down your eyes, its worth it. It may severe the softness and harden the soft tissues of the heart but then one will never hurt again. For somebody who has such a low threshold for pain it is a valuable lesson.

circle of life

I dont think u ever get to leave the circle u begin life with its like a dog catching his tail. Your whole life you try bypassing the path and cut across to a life you want but you inadvertently end up circling again. Before you realize the futility of it its time to say goodbye your feet just get old and one day u stop circling and thats the end of the repetitive journey

single life adiue !

I must have dreamed about this day a million times for the past 29 years of my life but today as I spend the last few hours of my single life it all seems just perfect. It seems very weird when I use the word perfect in describing this decision it was always the most imperfect decision and the most
imperfect person. But then as I type out these few words as a a bachelorette the person is the most
ideal and the life circumstance right too. Right now the only thing that comes to my mind is " the zahir " one has to travel a whole journey around the world to find what is valuable just by his side.

sapnon ki titli

muthi khol tithli udi,
pankhon pe hazar rangon ki odhni odhi,
nazar pakade tabhi, kahin pal main meri nazar se hati,
socha tha ke uske sang oodh jaoon,
door des kahin pahunch jaoon,
bandh karke rakha thaa use,
sapnon se bandh rakha tha use,
har rang main cheepa tha ek sapna,
jagmagata jhilmilata,
kisi ek din oodh jaoon,
than rakha tha man main,
duniya bhar se ladkar,
sambhala tha use maine,
har raat jab apni muthi dil ke paas rakhti thi main,
dil dhadakta, do bol batiya usse,
un sapnon ke sach hone par,
meetha toh zaroor khilaiyo,
hawa pe sawar hokar khushiyon ki chittiyan
zaroor likhwaiyo,
har sapna jab sachai ka daman thamega,
us odhni ka ek dhaga mujhe zaroor chuwayio,
ankhen bandh karke us titli ko maine apne kareeb paya,
andheron ki garaj se apni khushi ko maine mehfooz sulaya,
aj subha thi woh jise barson se jagana chaha,
chath bar bhag ayi main,
duniya se chipte chipate,
muthi ko asman ke taraf halke se uthake,
saans ko apne aap main dabake,
halke se khol ke muthi,apne jism ko uthake,
tayar ho gayi main sapnon ke shehar udjane,
palak jhapakte hi kahin udgayi woh,
sunni muthi chod gayi woh,
koshish ki maine bahut udjane ki,
khadi reh gayi khali asman ko takti,
sapnon ki dhokebazi ko niharti,
sachai dastak deti hai jab,
dil dhadakna bandh kardeta hai tab

Happppy birthday Anuja.

Dear Anuja wish you a very happy birthday,


The sparkling calm blue ocean is what describes you best. You sparkle with glamor and style , your goodness goes deep as the ocean and your calmness is best reflected in the color blue.

I want ...but will I survive the want ?

It helps to look at life with some practicality and at yourself too. Sometimes what you want becomes so overwhelming that you cannot see the deep waters in front of you. The fact that you cannot swim becomes reality only when you walk into the deep end and you start drowning.You cant breath as water starts choking you it gets into your nostrils your mouth and your eyes and suddenly the only reality for you is survival. The want, desire,longing everything is washed away by saline water and the only thing you want is somehow to survive. At that point you wonder what the f#$& were you thinking when you started the walk towards mount sinai but at that point maybe you have walked into the deep so far that there is no turning back the deep has claimed you and shall have your for dinner. you end up on a dinner plate as somebody Else's dinner. what do you want before you ask yourself that question maybe the first question you should ask is will I survive.

me and you

If you find me here more often, then 9 out of 10 I am pretty upset though this once its purely because I have so much to share.... as they say happiness is a thought away. I must say that Its much easier to enter the sanctuary than ever before . I guess the realisation that everything begins and ends with him is a realistaion that makes all roads so simple.love without a shelve life without any conditions..... Also maybe it has to do with the fact that I no longer have any expectations. Cant describe the feeling its like life is staring at a a white wall. Its when you see perfect take birth and then melt into nothingness that you realise the futility.
I can say today that I have seen all shades of love. Friendship, companionship, fiction and reality and at the end of it all it has all boiled down to me. There was a era of togetherness where there was space for you but in todays space starved existence there is space only for me try making space for you and there is a pretty high possibility that you wont exist.

A known Devil....

Am still wondering, have been for sometime. They say a known devil is much better than a unknown angel sometimes the angel u seem to know turns into a unknown devil. The whole
world then comes to a stand still. Manipulation is intrinsically human but for a hopelessly straightforward entity as me the extend to which people clamouflage themselves just comes as
a bolt of lightning from nowhere. There I stand staring at the sky and my charred soul and wondering what hit me. There is nothing but ugly blackness ruptured by the heat of lies and the wall around your heart is cracked. Within a fraction of a second the cold waves of mistrust drown the faith which used to beat with warmth. As I see faith breath its last I desperately see it flapping its arms for some hope of survival a small twig which may let it live, breath, float. But as the seconds tick bye there is nothing but darkness.Trust when it breaks shatters into a million pieces never to be pieced again and each piece ruptures the heart. Faith is riped apart and torn to smithereens and what remains is a black hole of nothingness....... A mask, a fake idenity, a cloak of lies, a false touch, a deceptive smile , a deceiving look, my unknown angel.

MY RAINBOW

Across the rainbow,
my favourite place,
reached the colours,
then realised the paint,
A shade of white,
thats all there was,
a splash of nothingness and no other hue,
As I looked hard for a dash of some pink or blue,
He looked at me and smiled as if he always knew,
Those grains of sparkling magic were mine to hold,
Had found the rainbow of magical lore,
before the joy could reach my eyes,
A flash of white ,
the rest was lies,
the truth is often before us and we cannot see,
the white colour,
the only reality,
pink, orange, red and blue
are colours which we paint from our imaginary hues,
He is still smiling asking me whether this is a dream,
Or shall I have the strength to accept reality without the
textured screen,
I look at him and smile,
He is clothed in nothing but white,
I open my fist and it turns into a palm,
I ask him to never let me fall.

Started working out yesterday and thought would keep some distance form spicey,oily basically tasty food. But it refuses to let go fo me pyar tumhe kahin bhi dhoond leta hai.

creak in the neck

There is a creak in my neck that refuses to go, sometimes I wonder if it is true that the emotional wanderings of the soul get mainfested in the physical. Dont know if I need to be happy about the fact that my soul believes in attaching itself to emotions or whether I need to give it a spanking for wasting its time dabbling in trouble.

kuch kehna

kuch keh kar bhi jab nahin smajhte hai log,
shabdon ko bahana asan nahin lagta,
khamoshi ho agar zindagi bhar ka sath,
toh phir baton se azmana jurm hai lagta,

PARDA

Agar zindgai ko ek jhooth keh do toh kya galat hoga,
haqeekat ko khayal keh do toh kya yeh sahi hoga,
rishte jab humse jhoot ka purda karte hai,
toh phir sach ka tamsha banake hum kyon jee rahe hai.

My book

Just finished reading atlas shrugged by ayn rand,have always wondered if I was a selfish
self destructive idiot....realised that I was a fair, self loving, objectivist. Left without a book by my side and getting extremely restless about it. Never felt like this since school...with no athletic abilities and scared to death about approaching or being approached by anybody the book spared me the above mentioned trauma. The world could fall apart around me but the noise nor the screams could reach me once a book lay open in front of me inviting me into his world. Nearly half a century later and with a voice louder than the cooker whistle and a tendency to strike conversation with strangers I am unconsioulsy gropping for the firmness of the book cover. My weapon against this world of aliens.

The game

Her deepest and darkest fears came true..... somehow everytime I have read that line as a prefix to a plot in a story I have often wondered whether the writer was a obese shaikh lounging on a satin sofa in a mahal somewhere. Maybe I have read the wrong novels..... or maybe I have read the right ones. Reality is not about fairy godmothers and prince charming....... its about fighting life and its discrepancies, its about believing and having your belief broken, its about struggling blindly to get up from a heap of misery and stand straight, its about seeing your soul mourn the loss of innocence and smile as you shake the hand of success. This is the real life where you have the expertise to enjoy the ectacsy of love and the strength to face yourself when it strips your soul and leaves you naked and shivering. This game of chance called life is laid by the master but can be played with the strength and conviction possible only for man. Your reality is your happiness and even if he rolls the dice the stakes are in your hand. You decide for how much happiness are you going to stake. some stake little, some stake the average and some stake it all.........

Jao

aj socha ki shayad phir se nahin dhadke ga,
tootte tootte kahan kuch baccha hoga
kuch pal pehle ek nazar dal ke dekha,
saans abhi bhi mehek rahi hai,
kuch der ka mehman hai,
uski halat dekh kar main hassi,
pagla tha,
ki takdeer se lad gaya,
mujhe dekh kar muskura raha hai,
mujhse pooch raha hai,
main kya kahoon use,
dil toh kehta hai ki
kahoon ki jeet gaye tum,
phir uski taraf ek nazar aur dalu
toh haqeekat se wakif hoti hoon,
jo dum tod raha,
uski bhala kya sunoon,
uske janeka aj bilkul gum nahin,
khushi hai ki ajke badh koi ehsas nahin.

Stay

somewhere in tomorrow,
somewhere in today,
in a moment of now,
you exist and always will

One of those

Its one of those when you want to take the covers over your head and pretend that the world does not exist. Well its not that bad but for a control freak like me its extremely intolerable when
things are rotating in unknown space and there is no chance that I can bring them in a streamlined form. The only thing left to do is sit and wait and that is one of the most irritating
action for me to do. Await for a form to form itself. Have realised that we earthly creatures are
never satisfied with the existant our constant endeavour of wants does not end. Nor will it ever.