Happppy birthday Anuja.

Dear Anuja wish you a very happy birthday,


The sparkling calm blue ocean is what describes you best. You sparkle with glamor and style , your goodness goes deep as the ocean and your calmness is best reflected in the color blue.

I want ...but will I survive the want ?

It helps to look at life with some practicality and at yourself too. Sometimes what you want becomes so overwhelming that you cannot see the deep waters in front of you. The fact that you cannot swim becomes reality only when you walk into the deep end and you start drowning.You cant breath as water starts choking you it gets into your nostrils your mouth and your eyes and suddenly the only reality for you is survival. The want, desire,longing everything is washed away by saline water and the only thing you want is somehow to survive. At that point you wonder what the f#$& were you thinking when you started the walk towards mount sinai but at that point maybe you have walked into the deep so far that there is no turning back the deep has claimed you and shall have your for dinner. you end up on a dinner plate as somebody Else's dinner. what do you want before you ask yourself that question maybe the first question you should ask is will I survive.

me and you

If you find me here more often, then 9 out of 10 I am pretty upset though this once its purely because I have so much to share.... as they say happiness is a thought away. I must say that Its much easier to enter the sanctuary than ever before . I guess the realisation that everything begins and ends with him is a realistaion that makes all roads so simple.love without a shelve life without any conditions..... Also maybe it has to do with the fact that I no longer have any expectations. Cant describe the feeling its like life is staring at a a white wall. Its when you see perfect take birth and then melt into nothingness that you realise the futility.
I can say today that I have seen all shades of love. Friendship, companionship, fiction and reality and at the end of it all it has all boiled down to me. There was a era of togetherness where there was space for you but in todays space starved existence there is space only for me try making space for you and there is a pretty high possibility that you wont exist.

A known Devil....

Am still wondering, have been for sometime. They say a known devil is much better than a unknown angel sometimes the angel u seem to know turns into a unknown devil. The whole
world then comes to a stand still. Manipulation is intrinsically human but for a hopelessly straightforward entity as me the extend to which people clamouflage themselves just comes as
a bolt of lightning from nowhere. There I stand staring at the sky and my charred soul and wondering what hit me. There is nothing but ugly blackness ruptured by the heat of lies and the wall around your heart is cracked. Within a fraction of a second the cold waves of mistrust drown the faith which used to beat with warmth. As I see faith breath its last I desperately see it flapping its arms for some hope of survival a small twig which may let it live, breath, float. But as the seconds tick bye there is nothing but darkness.Trust when it breaks shatters into a million pieces never to be pieced again and each piece ruptures the heart. Faith is riped apart and torn to smithereens and what remains is a black hole of nothingness....... A mask, a fake idenity, a cloak of lies, a false touch, a deceptive smile , a deceiving look, my unknown angel.

MY RAINBOW

Across the rainbow,
my favourite place,
reached the colours,
then realised the paint,
A shade of white,
thats all there was,
a splash of nothingness and no other hue,
As I looked hard for a dash of some pink or blue,
He looked at me and smiled as if he always knew,
Those grains of sparkling magic were mine to hold,
Had found the rainbow of magical lore,
before the joy could reach my eyes,
A flash of white ,
the rest was lies,
the truth is often before us and we cannot see,
the white colour,
the only reality,
pink, orange, red and blue
are colours which we paint from our imaginary hues,
He is still smiling asking me whether this is a dream,
Or shall I have the strength to accept reality without the
textured screen,
I look at him and smile,
He is clothed in nothing but white,
I open my fist and it turns into a palm,
I ask him to never let me fall.

Started working out yesterday and thought would keep some distance form spicey,oily basically tasty food. But it refuses to let go fo me pyar tumhe kahin bhi dhoond leta hai.

creak in the neck

There is a creak in my neck that refuses to go, sometimes I wonder if it is true that the emotional wanderings of the soul get mainfested in the physical. Dont know if I need to be happy about the fact that my soul believes in attaching itself to emotions or whether I need to give it a spanking for wasting its time dabbling in trouble.

kuch kehna

kuch keh kar bhi jab nahin smajhte hai log,
shabdon ko bahana asan nahin lagta,
khamoshi ho agar zindagi bhar ka sath,
toh phir baton se azmana jurm hai lagta,

PARDA

Agar zindgai ko ek jhooth keh do toh kya galat hoga,
haqeekat ko khayal keh do toh kya yeh sahi hoga,
rishte jab humse jhoot ka purda karte hai,
toh phir sach ka tamsha banake hum kyon jee rahe hai.

My book

Just finished reading atlas shrugged by ayn rand,have always wondered if I was a selfish
self destructive idiot....realised that I was a fair, self loving, objectivist. Left without a book by my side and getting extremely restless about it. Never felt like this since school...with no athletic abilities and scared to death about approaching or being approached by anybody the book spared me the above mentioned trauma. The world could fall apart around me but the noise nor the screams could reach me once a book lay open in front of me inviting me into his world. Nearly half a century later and with a voice louder than the cooker whistle and a tendency to strike conversation with strangers I am unconsioulsy gropping for the firmness of the book cover. My weapon against this world of aliens.

The game

Her deepest and darkest fears came true..... somehow everytime I have read that line as a prefix to a plot in a story I have often wondered whether the writer was a obese shaikh lounging on a satin sofa in a mahal somewhere. Maybe I have read the wrong novels..... or maybe I have read the right ones. Reality is not about fairy godmothers and prince charming....... its about fighting life and its discrepancies, its about believing and having your belief broken, its about struggling blindly to get up from a heap of misery and stand straight, its about seeing your soul mourn the loss of innocence and smile as you shake the hand of success. This is the real life where you have the expertise to enjoy the ectacsy of love and the strength to face yourself when it strips your soul and leaves you naked and shivering. This game of chance called life is laid by the master but can be played with the strength and conviction possible only for man. Your reality is your happiness and even if he rolls the dice the stakes are in your hand. You decide for how much happiness are you going to stake. some stake little, some stake the average and some stake it all.........

Jao

aj socha ki shayad phir se nahin dhadke ga,
tootte tootte kahan kuch baccha hoga
kuch pal pehle ek nazar dal ke dekha,
saans abhi bhi mehek rahi hai,
kuch der ka mehman hai,
uski halat dekh kar main hassi,
pagla tha,
ki takdeer se lad gaya,
mujhe dekh kar muskura raha hai,
mujhse pooch raha hai,
main kya kahoon use,
dil toh kehta hai ki
kahoon ki jeet gaye tum,
phir uski taraf ek nazar aur dalu
toh haqeekat se wakif hoti hoon,
jo dum tod raha,
uski bhala kya sunoon,
uske janeka aj bilkul gum nahin,
khushi hai ki ajke badh koi ehsas nahin.

Stay

somewhere in tomorrow,
somewhere in today,
in a moment of now,
you exist and always will

One of those

Its one of those when you want to take the covers over your head and pretend that the world does not exist. Well its not that bad but for a control freak like me its extremely intolerable when
things are rotating in unknown space and there is no chance that I can bring them in a streamlined form. The only thing left to do is sit and wait and that is one of the most irritating
action for me to do. Await for a form to form itself. Have realised that we earthly creatures are
never satisfied with the existant our constant endeavour of wants does not end. Nor will it ever.

salvation.

I am back and so sooon !!!! well I just had to share my wonderful weekend I had the most

romantic weekend in a very long time. With whom ? love. Maybe I have finally reached

the edge and its a few seconds before I jump. One thing is for sure its going to be one of the

most exhilrating moments of my life. Must say I was mighty worried not being able to experience the magic of love was as good as having to give up alcohol for life. You need to free

love from its cage of form and give it a life of its own. Then you will see it paint itself in a million colours and you will be gasping for breath as it takes a huge leap and touches the sky of the uncomprehensible. In a moment you experience the highs and lows of a ride that you never want to end. It touches the very peak of your spiritual being and then dips to the human entity leaving you with a rumble at the pit of your stomach. Can you capture the zen of this universe in a flutter of a heart beat the answer is you can when your heart beats on the rythum of the warm beats of love.

Single and Silent.

There I go again suffering from a writers block. It feels terrible when words refuse to

create themselves onto plain paper. I don want to look at it but maybe the truth is that I can

express only grief and confusion. As I stand at that corner in life without the darkness or the

cobwebs of depression and frustration clouding my soul. There is a full stop to the maze of words

that I weave. There is peace in my heart and stillness in my soul after a long drawn battle

of emotions and expectations the era of content and begins and I have no words to express.

Love is melancholy, without the bitter ache in the heart it can never be complete maybe the

saying that the greatest stories told are tragedies has a true ring it.

Sometimes

sometimes I laugh,
sometimes I grieve,
sometimes I look at the clock ticking
and just wanna sleep,
sometimes I lie,
sometimes I win,
sometimes I lose and am extremely happy about it,
sometimes I bow,
someimes I grin,
sometimes I refuse to acknowledge propriety,
Sometimes I love,
Sometimes I hate,
Sometimes I waste,
Sometimes gets stuck in sometimes and waits.

The new age

I wonder if I had married the Mr Big a longtime ago keeping in consideration the fact that we
had been dating for the past ten years would he be a different man. Well some thought and the
answer is no men dont change. What about women do they ? well the answer is yet again no.
Not the women of the 2oth century. Who to blame I guess the mother. As society evolved from the highly patriachal where all the love and adoration was only for the male species to a society
of equals. Children were loved no matter the sex which is a brilliant phenomena. Mothers did not brain wash their daughters into not having a personality and into non questionable submission to men. There were more choices for women and more liberty alas the men are stuck with the same old choices and freedom without much expansion or evolvement alas mothers when it comes to their sons are still stuck with the perfect bahu syndrome which gets transfered to their perfect sons. The Indian man of today is still stuck in a world of obedient wifes and almost nonexistent audio levels wherein a non alcoholic,fidel and well earning husband were the only expecations that a woman had from a man.
Today as women fight it out in the boardroom and slug it out in the trains, bread on the table is already taken care of alongwith the bottle of expensive wine. Men clean as fresh laundry and with a eight figure salary find themselves still single and women not ready to mingle. Maybe for one second maybe they need to stop and think. Maybe mommy was wrong the expecations have changed. Its no more food on the table and assurity of a not kissed husabnd but the assurity of a
man who will remember the TLC (total love and care) during a bad PMS, drive down with flowers on a day of total madness at work, remember your favourite dish at a particular restaurant or plain just hug you just after you have thrown a fit at him and god knows what else.
A man of today is about sharing a womans space and making her comforatble in their own.
I guess its time that mothers begin raising boys to be men of understanding its no longer a role
of provider but that of a sharer a role which demands doing all that and a little more. Because
you have a partner who has raised the stakes high and there are going to be no compromises or sacrifice.

The spell

Crossed over the rainbow to a blue lagoon,
looked at my reflection and sudenly ws marooned,
a crsytal ball of desire blocking my freedom loomed,
encircled my being and left my heart full of doom,
every tommorrow I could see extremely clear,
the deception of todays reality and tommorrows fear,
I tried snatching the now and lock it in forever,
looked at my fist and found never,
enclosed I tried to find a inroad to peace,
the will to live a lie in the disguise of a bitch,
time passed and and with it came complacency,
the sense of perfection the biggest mistake of self diplomacy,
then finally one day the prophecy came to pass,
I looked up at the swirling skies darkened by the cryptic spell amass,
In a moment perfection broke its spell and transformed itself into a imperfect dwell,
as splinters flew in every direction,
I smiled and looked at the divine existence,
opened my wrist and let it fly the hope that I was living by.

A Good bye

I never cease to amaze myself. After experiencing robbery for the first time in the middle of the freaking highway for the first time in my life, I found myself making a dash for the police station.Lodged a Fir and had a straightforward conversation with the police all this alone. I don't remember once my hand quivering or my eyes watering with emotion.I was sturdy as stone.Of course the trauma was there and the breathlessness nothing I could not deal with.
A phone conversation with Mr Big of my life and I am a bundle of nerves and tears. Amazing isn't it ! I must say that the fourteen Grand I lost were the most well spend of my life. The answer that I desperately wanted my heart to answer for the last ten years of my life was finally answered. Do I love him. The answer is yes :) I always knew it I guess just was too damn scared to admit. It was going to take away a lot from me a my whole personality how bad is that ! ask a Leo that !
I should have guessed every time I asked my heart for a excuse to go running back to a person I have always proclaimed that I did not love. There was never a tomorrow without nor now was ever complete. The wait of ten years came to a end with me facing my biggest fear my love which ever was and never proclaimed and his which was always a;ways proclaimed and never was.
Its terrible when you know the truth and live a lie.Ten years is a pretty longtime to be living one anyways :)
I know what live is sweetheart I guess now is the time for you to find it. What more deserving gift for my life than love !