From Ghassan

I wonder if it is possible to feel so connected to a person who is a million light years away,and whom you have never met,the only thread being those words that have drapped your thoughts.


Ghassan lives in the war torn palestine and fights with life evry moment of his life,surrounded my poverty and struggle with a brother jailed for his fight for freedom whom he has been desperately trying to rescue....yet his love for life and positive attitude is remarkable,for a man
who has lost a lot and keeps losing a little bit ever more his faith in love makes you want to salute him..... thats why he will always be my inspiration.

So many things I want you to see
So many things I want you to feel
As I sit here patiently
Patiently waiting For the time come
Where your heart beats for me
And two hearts beat as one
So with every flower I give youAnd every letter I writeA new piece of your heart is unveiledFor me to hold tight.

The Stage

Words,thats one thing i am good at,i love weaving words into a beautiful dream.Thats projection i guess.The most ugly turns into the most ravishing and for that moment i escape reality or rather reality escapes from me.There is but one hitch,before you smile to yourself content in the
bliss of a life fair and fulfilled,the mist clears and you are left staring at the ghastly face of the
truth.You cant run away from it how much ever you try,trust me i have time and time again.
How i wish the coccon of my thoughts never leaves me,how i wish i could be wrapped around the
warmth of those beautiful moments,memories and dreams.Alas life is not a bed of roses but a cradle of thorns with a occasional bloom. Which dies a pre mature death,strangled by the cutting,strangling pointers.

Once again life turns full circle, i stand from where i began,but this time with a resolve not to begin the journey yet again,this time life has taught me the biggest lesson of my life that your road is travelled only by you,companions walk by your side till the road leads in their direction,then leave you alone to walk again under the scorching sun,with emptiness on either side inside and out.
Solution to loneliness can never be found,you were born alone and die alone and you live alone,trying and fulfilling every role to its best,the role of a daughter,a sister,a emlpoyee,a boss and last of all a humanbeing and as u essay each role what accompanies is your solitude.To This list is the role of a wife,a lover and u try and play these roles to perfection too,but soemtimes you get carried away.
You think that this is a part played by two. you and him,but here you are mistaken,the biggest
disappointment awaits you at the end of the last scene when the curtain draws and you find yourself once again all lone. The play is over the role essayed and your partner takes a bow,as
the drapes close in on you the hand that holds your hand untwines itself you find yourself standing alone surrounded by darkness and the realisation that you have to cab it home alone.

A Definite watch

Tagline: What is more important: satisfying one thousand desires or conquering just one...

SAMSARA is a spiritual love story set in the majestic landscape of Ladakh, in the Himalayas, about one man's quest to find enlightenment.

Plot
Tashi, a brilliant young disciple, is just completing three years of solitary meditation in a remote hermitage. Brought out of a deep trance, Tashi is taken back to his ancient monastery where he slowly recovers his strength, but his return has unexpected results. Despite a life devoted to the rigors of spiritual development, he finds himself experiencing a surprisingly profound sexual awakening. These feelings coincide with his journey to a village to perform a harvest blessing where he meets Pema, a beautiful young woman.
For the first time, Tashi begins to question the spiritual values of his monastic existence, realizing that one has to experience worldly existence in order to renounce it. Through Tashi's eyes, this spiritual and moving love story chronicles one man's discovery of the promise of SAMSARA -- the world

Mein aur Meri Tanhahi

Sach

Kal phir ek khyal aya,
ke shayad kuch galat sa hum ne kar diya,
zindagi ke sath ladte ladte thak gaye,
jab kasoor nahin tha tab bhi apna liya,
chahat jab har hadh par kar jati hai ek junoon sa ban jati hai,
usme phir pyaar nahin bajta hasil karne ke tamana reh jati hai,
ek ansh ehasas ka jis pe zindagi booni jati hai,
lekin jal is yaad ka itna pucca hota hai,
ki har koshish use todne ki nakam ho jati hai.
tab samne sach khada pate hai hum,woh sach so haqeekat hai khawab nahin,
tab neend se jagte hain hum aur uska hath tham late hain.

Sirf Ek

Ek Ajnabi sa ehsas zindagi badal deta hai,
Ek Ajeeb si kasheesh zindagi rok deti hai,
Ek zindagi tumhe badal deti hai,
Ek judai dil tod deti hai,
Ek khamoshi bol chura leti hai,
Ek azmayish tumhe tod deti hai,
Ek pal ,hamesha bana deta hai,
Ek aj kal ke liya chal deta hai,
Ek tum ho aur kash hamesha rahoge.

IT HAS RAINED

Struggling with what is right and trying to not do what is wrong is perhaps the most difficult predicament that a human being faces.

For every waking moment and every moment when i was asleep I have fought with darkness,the fact that me was falling into the sin of thought.
Yesterday as i saw amir khan woo kajol,

there was this one scene where she says that what feels
right is right enough for me. I thought way to go girl,and then as amir khan lay in her arms breathing his last I thought perhaps not.
Why is it so difficult to make the heart see reason,this is one explainantion that i want from god.
Today I got the answer,

if you really hate your addiction,you will ask god to help you get rid off it.
A glass,a stick,a kiss or a white powder.
In my case addiction of so called love of have beens and could have beens........todays earnest
prayer has been for me to be able to get rid of that baggage,so that i can start my life once again
with hope. Light has come and gone so often that before it starts flickering,my heart starts pounding with fright,that i may loose it again forever.Hope is a very fickle mistress.
This time it has rained once again and the river bed has once again started filling up.

But this time round its going to take a little longer,the bed has eroded more than it usually does,hope of a heavy downpour is not enough this time,the heavens have to open up and the stars have to fall down on earth in large droplets of nectar.

The parched ground is not going to settle for anything less.

The Boss

The boss is the most important person in your life,i guess even more important than your spouse.He can make you or break you.This post is dedicated to my boss the editor in chief of
Times now.Its been a year since I have commenced working with him and he has been a bag of surprises.Good ones.Its always taken for granted that a anchor is a fire spewing foul mouthed
autocrat,and you prepare yourself to stand before the dragon.Frankly when i took the offer my colleauges had warned me of walking into hell itself.But i had made up my mind.

Today as I write this I think i did no wrong.I can say that my boss is the one of the most fair men i have met in this profession.Not denying that he has moments and during them i wont deny i felt like probably it should rain on him.
But he has accepted editorial judgement of mine and actually canceled his story idea becasue i thought it was something not right and the most heartening thing was when he pacified a intern becasuse she was upset that another reporter was send to cover a event for a beat that was hers......... there is hope and i see it everyday in a black shirt, specatcles and a hypersensitive attitude.

LOST

As the sun sets I look at it with appreciation,
it colours the sky with beauty as it moves towards the womb of the sea.Its selfless act astonishes me.Then i look on with a smile as I
realise that it will rise again with a new tommorrow, a new day,a new begining and I look
eagerly at it trying to lose my self in its etherialness and run away from stark reality called LIFE.

TUM

As every word is uttered after I have thought of you a thousand times, I bring myself to look away from you once again, because I know that now there is no other way. You have walked away from me into a world that is many light years away, you have built yourself a nest in that milkyway and I am left looking at that empty space where I had visioned myself with you content with each other forever.

My ground has been shattered with your departure, I was fighting with destiny and I lost.
Seeping into my soul is the feeling of hatred for myself the fact that I cannot forget, there is so much to forget ,the quite water in front of me reflecting the lights of hope, the graying sky above me or you sitting in front of me with that innocent smile, looking at me with what was everlasting love. What do I forget the million lights in the sky that scatter themselves each time we met, celebrating are love, colours of every shade that gathered the sky in their arms, what do I forget your nearness to me as I hold on to you scared of losing you to that demon called fate

what do I forget you tell me for you have easily forgotten.

Reflections

I wrote this on 23/12/2005,I guess the early realisations of a dream being shattered.


One of the most amazing things about love is that when you think that you havesucceeded in giving it the slip,it suddenly peeps at you from behind the curatin and scares the hell out of you....its a long journey from the self destruction to the somewhat slivers of peace that you manage to redeem for yourself and boom.....it takes a few minutes of that fatal smile or light touch for your whole world to come crashing down agian into the void of darkness that has been so much a part of your life and you ask the eternal question why me ?the answer to that has never been found by anyone....perhaps it is supposed to evade you forever like the reflection of the moon in the calm and dark river....perfect yet a million light years apart....and then once again starts the wait that travels through every moment that you breath,every thought that you think,through your very existance.....

THE ANIMALS BEHIND BARS

I dont know what to write frankly,this blank white space is as bad as the white paper that used to grin at me in college.It was war between me and the emptiness, I guess it still is.Its just that
emptiness gets dispalced and not replaced sad but true.
Its funny how Life comes full circle" kuch alag ho to batao".I wish i could say " and it gets better" but it doesent it just gets worse.......why! i wish once again there was a answer to it. I have already mentioned wish twice and i have to refrain because according to englsih grammer you cannot use one word often in a paragraph.
RULES basically that is the problem! conditioning and acceptable social norms .Somebody else tells you what is the right thing to do and you burn your wishes your happiness at the alter of acceptance. I envision life which is free of any do's and donts and no i dont think you can give me the argument of what will society come to! its not like its different anyways a zoo where the wild animals run wild and the domestic ones are locked behind bars.

Of Love and everything that comes with it !

SIGH!
thast the first thing that comes to my mind when i think about the love of my life(i am supposed to use a past tense to that but i guess the phasing out process will take some time) 11 days exactly from today 1/5/2006.
One shouldnt take for granted chemistry thats one thing i have learnt for sure.......two days ago this post would have been a little more intresting overflowing with sweet verbs and adjectives but for now the plain fact should do..............the ability to completely let yourself drown in the now.I wish i could do this more often live in the now than tommorrow. i dont believe in escaping reality with this relationship i always have, and wont think twice before i do it once again.
the blinking of those far away lights adorning the queens necklace and the pitter patter of mindless converstion with soft sand tickiling my feet will always find its way from my subconscious to my conscious each time i whiz past the past still existing in the present. with it will also exist the granules of time which have flown by a longtime ago.............

Blessed

As I was coming home I got a call from my aunt,somebody was in trouble.Here is the story;
She is a principal and a parent was in trouble.The father is a poor man working for a golf club,he was told to deliver golf clubs worth 2 lakhs to a address,he cant read or write therefore on the way he steps down from the cab to ask for directions and the cab driver zooms off with the loot.
The poor man has lost his job and has been threatened with a case.The police have been nice enough to not register a complaint against him but have expressed their inability to track the cab down. I often wonder why god tests the most helpless, the only earning member of the family and even the paltry earnings have been stopped. At a point in life when i am moping about the sorry state of affairs of my life (a stuck career graph and relationship) that call has made me realise that how blessed I am to have a life that is flowing as smooth as a still sea.For
once I am thankful for the stillness,for it is much better than a upheavel so traumatic as above.

Prose and Poetry

19/4/2006 APRIL

ON LOVE
Khalil Gibran

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

love always has been a integral part of my life i guess this stands true not only to my life but for every living creature on this planet.

"God so loved his people that he gave his only beloved son."

There is no expression of love greater than this.I can say that i have been in love.True love.I have smiled,I have cried,I have laughed and I have sighed and above all i have forgiven.Love is all the above.Its a fire in which you want to immolate yourself again and again because the cold that will seep into your bones will be unberable for you.The coldness that loneliness brings to you the hoplessness of life and the nightmare of living life a lone wanderer.But then love is a mystic its god who touches you through a emotion which you have no control on.I have tried trust me I have and have lost.Love brings you closer to god though the object is a common man. It takes you to a level of humanity that you never thought existed it makes you the human being that he envisioned you as at the beggining of time.

I wander again in a wildnerness where i seek that which i have lost.I Dont hate him becasue i know its not him that i yearn for i yearn for God, I yearn to be what he wants me to be his child in the truest sense of the word.

Me,my work and my boyfriend

20/4/2006
I am so bored right now!i dont know why life is a full circle professionally and persoanlly
work has being my passion i guess a samll time program co ordiantor cannot weild the power
to transform...........i hate it i have realised how important it is to have the freedom to think and put the thought to action.just realised how wrong was the choice in life....hope the right choice
comes along.. Ego is always the mans prorogative.Sad but true


19/4/2006 april
Work has not improved and boyfriend ahs not improved either.yesterday i was left thinking if it was my fault as he said..A night of accusations and a morning of mourning,eight years have passed this has been the way of life but everytime i guess both hima nd me have found the strenght to go on.I doubt this time becasue
yesterday he said something i had been doubting for the longest time ever......if i meet somebody who understands me i will marry her that instant( this after i have been insisting on a clarity of marriage for the longest time possible).I am a compromsie that i know i guess so is he but i have never treated him as one.whereas all this while i have been.I guess for the million times i have thought it has ended i guess this time it is for sure.He will be going to hyderabad and geography will play the role that psychology was trying to do for a long time :)


My Comments today................................

okay yet another day and i have to still figure out my life....i am so fed up of it....the boss is once again yelling and screaming for reasons i am sure he has and if he does not then who is he anyways answerable to.i ahve come to believe that it does not help being a principaled individual it does not get u anywhere but surely can get you shot.being nice and undersatnding to boyfriend who ahs figured out life as ur side and my side and no stepping into my territory...reminded me of school days this is my side of the desk that is yours and dont come on my side hump.why do i ahve to tolerate this god knows.the whole worlds immaturity ahs to fall in my lap.damn and i thought last weekend that i was ready for marriage can u beleive it rather he was ready for marriage but alas. the person who said that women are difficult to undesratnd should date my boyfriend.
2:10 AM
madsnow said...
MY CURRENT STATUSWell i dont know if i should be so mad and i seriously need to figure out this edit stuff.anywyas i need to do something constructive with my life i am agian where i began...at nothing....i have a feeling that i will never be able to get that much deserved break....i am so unhappy right now....making calls and begging people to come on weird shows.for beginning it wasnt bad at all and i liked doing it too but right now after spneding 3 years in news is getting a tad frustrating specially when i know i have the grey cells to do something more constructive.to top it all i have a 10 year old boyfriend to deal with who thinks that being concerned is returning a call abck and asking where are you.(god) i msut have been a sinner in my last janan..... damn i mena how difficult its is to care for somebody or perhaps i am digging for gold where none exists.how can anybody be so self centered yaar...i cannot afll sick and even if i ahev then its not a big deal......i cannot ahve my days of downhill because i have tod ela with them but if bf the great is having a mood upset i should Control my pms and give a shoulder to cry on.
madsnow said...
the last time i wrote something it disaperaed so am damn bored right now to repeat it.....but in prescie style(i know i have spelled it wrong) am totally mindF*****.well ajay my exboyfriend was a asshole later on but what ever time we dated he had a amazing chill effect yaar like he could read my mind and though he didnt move the earth and moon to make a difference to my life somehow i knew he could.i know i sould kill myself to even think like this when i am contemplating marriage which i am not so sure about right now... but who said life was a straight line its screwed even more then a jalebi
5:20 AM