I WANT A GUN !

The horror stories that find their way in the media are always about random acts of violence. People killing other people just because they have access to a weapon, the thought behind the killing itself is always random. There is no logic; people who mass murder are pure crazy.

The Paris killings are a prime example of what mad men with a gun can do. Somehow anywhere in the world it is pretty easy to get a gun.

If a person wants to kill he will find the means and ways to do it.

The estimated total number of guns (both licit and illicit) held by civilians in India is 40,000,000¹

The estimated rate of private gun ownership (both licit and illicit) in India is 3.36 firearms per 100 people

Unlawfully held guns cannot be counted, but in India there are estimated to be 33,700,000

In a classification of the world's small, medium and major firearm manufacturers, India is ranked 'medium'

That is a bloody lot of guns. The gun dynamics of India is divided between North and then the rest. It is quite easy to get a gun in that part of our world. UP, Bihar, Haryana are gun trotting districts. So my question is if it is easy to get one there then its easy to bring it here.

In 2008 the number of people who died due to a gun in India were 6219

THERE IS A RAPE EVERY HALF AN HOUR IN INDIA

That makes me want a gun ! the gun control debate in the united states of America has been a ongoing saga for a very long time. Gun control to them is what religion is to us . A nerve which when hit right gets you votes.

The random killings which have been striking fear in the hearts of the till now gun friendly nation have been turned into a reason for stringent gun control the party who supports that is called the Democratic Party The party which is against stringent control is the republic party.

When a nation who rakes in quite a lot of money from making and selling guns is fighting for less Guns, does changing India’s stringent stand make sense ?

Guns in India are regulated by the Ministry of Home Affairs, Internal Security Division II. Implementation and enforcement is by state, territory, metropolitan and special-task police forces, all members of the Indian Police Service.³⁷

In India, the right to private gun ownership is not guaranteed by law

In India, civilians are not allowed to possess automatic firearms^40 41

In India, private possession of semi-automatic assault weapons is permitted under licence^40 4

In India, private possession of handguns (pistols and revolvers) is permitted under license, for target shooting and protection only, and only specific calibres are permitted, except 22LR, 12Bore and 315 and the ammunition that the army uses everything else is permissible subject to availability and practical limits.

Whether you can or not own a gun is decided by your local cops. One has to think twice before even going and talking to them. I don’t know how comfortable or how much money I would need to feed them to even obtain one.

Officially this is how you can get  gun in India

Submit an application in form 'A' with Rs. 5/- Court fees stamp to the local police station

The Police station makes an enquiry and submits the report to             the Zonal DCP in Commissionerates and SPs in districts. The applicants are then interviewed by the DCP or DM  (as the case may be). Once convinced, the licensing authority (CP or DM)issues the license. 

That is easier said than done.  Why cant we have like a proper government office for the same like the passport office considering that the documents needed to get a gun are those that are needed to get a passport. The police can verify if you are a killer or not later after the paper work is under process just like how the verify your existence before the goverment issues you a passport !

The hurdles that you have to jump to get a gun do not involve a psych evaluation.  It would be a great idea to make that compulsory. I mean if you have violent maniac tendencies who better to catch hold of that than a shrink who is better than a cop deciding solely whether you can get one or not.

I don’t need a automatic firing at a crazy speed gun, I need a one which can shoot a single bullet which would kill that asshole who thinks it is perfectly fine to rape.

If the government can’t fix this epidemic of rape at least they should help us protect our honor.

GDP, Per Capita and us - a thought by a rebellious non mather

The stock  market is a complex breathing living mechanism it decides the fate of a nation and its people living it. For a layman the logic is simple you buy at a low cost and sell at a high cost. The investment happens in a company who is producing a product and your fate gets tied to that company. If they are making money invariably you make money.The fact that a lot of people are making money means that the country these people live in is making money.

That is when our GDP which counts how much stuff we are producing with how much stuff is pretty good. Nobody talks about sale, I guess we just assume that if we are producing we are selling and even if we are selling to who exactly doesn't matter. If most of what we make is sold out of our country then how can we deduce that a majority of our country is earning enough when they are not buying.
The new government is brandishing a good report card with a 5.5 percent GDP that means we are doing good and the fact that the oil prices are falling and commodity prices are tagging along is painting a very good picture in the press.
Per Capita is the money that a average Indian earns currently it is 5729 ! And the average Indian is mostly male who supports a family of at least four !
Every day India loses 2000 farmers every day, 12 farmers die everyday and I am not going to get into the malnourished numbers.
Education, Sanitation, Electricity basic needs which lay barren in a growing India. Markets are making money and we are supposed to be happy, poetry, art , literature are bowing down to numbers, there is no value for quality rather there is no money for it.
The equation between the stock market and the health of a nation is difficult for me to understand.
Then again for a literature graduate who is not fond of the multiplication table equations are difficult to understand .
Anybody is welcome to provide a explanation will post it for all to read and understand !

Kal Ki Dahleez pe

एक नयी  शयम का नयासवेरा।
इस वक़्त की सचाई और आनेवाले कल की हक़ीक़त।
कुछ घण्टों मैं आज और कल एक लम्हे समृबारु होंगे।
एक शन मैं पिछला मिट जायेगा।
कल सिर्फ आस होगा ।
इस हक़ीक़त का हम जश्न मानते है
उस खुद्दा को कयनाद का वास्ता देते है।
की कल का नया दिन आज का दद्र्द मिटा दे और  ख़ुशी के कुछ गिरी हुई पंखुलिया
आमीन केह  कर छीपा दे. 

Yes I am a believer but not a Christian

Conversion and faith have nothing to do with each other this fact is known by every man of god. Faith is about finding the path to eternal peace and conversion is the path to a consolidated vote bank.

History leaves a trail of blood where religion has always been manipulated by custodians to win the seat of ultimate power. Those were the dark ages when the cloak of the unknown forced you to hold on to the embers of faith which was marauded by beings to create a deceiving entity called religion.

The  inquisition and the crusade were events in history where ignorance was used and abused in the name of  god an entity who was not seen or heard. Man is an intelligent being and finally years later one man fought against the tyranny and politics, he fought to release god out of the shackles of men and his protest led to a new identity the protestants who demanded that faith was not bound with dos and dont's god was free for all. Jesus was born a Jew and he died a Jew, he was the living truth that man with all his weaknesses could live a life of compassion, love and forgiveness.  

These protestants today form some of the most fanatic sects who shackle god in their mirage of dogma where their truth is the only truth and  there is no place for any other. The bible talks only about the truth, god says that I was I am and I will be. He wants you to be enlightened and educated and have the ability to understand his eternity. Caging him in reflections of human sense cannot do justice to his existence. 

Om is " Adi Anadi " without beginning or the end and embracing all that exists. The vedas do not describe the 330 million hindu gods which currently exist in hindu culture

Ekam Brahm, dvitiya naste neh na naste kinchna - There is only one god, not the second; not at all, not in the least bit - From Brahamasutra

"God is love" [Allahu muhibba] this is the very foundation of Islam the cornerstone of a religion which defines goodness and good deeds as the identity of their faith.

A true man of god knows the essence of faith which stands on love, forgiveness and respect. The fight for salvation which each book talks about is the fight with your inner demons. A truth conveniently forgotten and falsely interpreted.

God is your father, Mother, Mentor a belief which is standard in all religions. If that is the truth then in his great knowledge if he talks to his children in the language they understand, then who are we to say say that your parent is better than mine. He is one, the language he uses to talk to his children is different.

The increasing epidemic of Rape and Legislative reality

The world around me is changing, a society is fast waltzing down the path that leads you to the stone age and we have no other option but to wait and watch, We have a new party in power and one of the reasons that it finds itself seated at the helm is because we as a nation were fed up of living in fear as a woman or for our women.

Conviction rates in rape  have been swinging between 24 and 26 percent for the last few years. The percentages are a horrendous as the crime itself.  Progress has been tom tommed and the most important man in India poses with other important men of the world exhibiting to the nations the strength of young dynamic India. A great sight, we as a nation hope that the promises and hope that reflects in the form of legislation is not just a carrot to a starving nation but a road map that leads to the reality of a basic right such as safety

The Girls and Women (Prevention of Beastly and Barbarous Brutality, Rape, Teasing, Molestation, Stripping and Other Atrocities) Bill, 2013.     

The bill has been introduced in parliament on the seventh of July 2014 

it states that whoever,—

(a) commits beastly and barbarous brutality on a girl or woman, as the case

may be, shall be punished with death:

Provided that if the accused opts for voluntary surgical castration and pleads

before the trial court to reduce his sentence the trial court may reduce the sentence

to life imprisonment to remain in jail custody till the end of his life and no remission

shall be granted by the appropriate Government or any authority to such convict;

We are going in a tizzy demanding cabs to be banned because the man who raped a woman was a cab driver. Does that guarantee that another taxi driver will not ? The fact that a bill like this is tabled in parliament is great, The question is why has it not been passed yet ? 

Conviction for rape is complicated and jumps through a lot of hoops the maximum extent of penalty is twenty years or life. Does rape have to be life threatening and violent to warrent the death penalty isnt the fact enough that A MAN HAS RAPED A WOMAN enough.

Changing thought in society will take time till then fear needs to be instilled in men the fear of death and losing their manhood. It is only then perhaps  women in India will be able to live a life free from the ever present fear of rape and the trauma that they will have to suffer for life.

I wrote a book

Have been getting letters of regret my book is not interesting enough maybe. I though I would be devastated but surprisingly I am not. I wrote a book. Though I dont think I have it in me like all those prolific  writers out there who keep on writing one volume after the other. There is a sense of achievement and amazement which I shall carry to my grave. That perhaps is the magic of being a writer. At the end of it all, often you read what you write and wonder from where did the enchantment flow, how did they come together in that magic array. 

shayad.....

Kabhi itni shikayat nahin ki hogi,
jitni aj kar rahi hoon,
shyam ki thartharahat aur subah ki chipi hui chandni aj pehli baar dil
ko choo nahin payi,
Chalte chalte kahin galat mod pe chal di,
jo sahi lag raha tha achanak galat sidh hua hai,
peeche mud jaye ya phir sadak age chalke sahi disha pe le jayegi,
zindagi chal rahi hai, lekin lagata hai hath chod diya hai,
phir se uski chal sahi hogi, chalte chalte ek subah nayi wali ayegi,
aur phir oos raat ki chandni sharma ke chip jaegi aur yeh dil, khushi se jhoom jayega

zindagi gol hai

Duniya ki tarah zindagi bhi gol hai,

har pal usi mukam ke paas le kar chal deti hai,

keh diya hai usko ki seedha jana hai,

phir bhi mudh kar wahi le jati hai,

Question or an answer. My poetry for hope

I think I may be a poet, the day I realized that It was a mixed bag of feelings. The existence of a poet is often marked by nothingness then again, a poet writes for himself and for those who want a look at his soul.

For all those who share my soul. This is a poem I have submitted to a festival, where perhaps I may get an opportunity to creep out of the nothingness and into light. Please do vote if you find these words worthwhile.

http://bit.ly/1rPBy3s

When will we get it right !

I have never been in love with writing than I ma today, hope it reaches the hearts of those souls out there one day.

https://qpeka.com/article/when-will-we-get-it-right/53ebb36c0cf2056dd19bbc19/description

kuch lafaz aise bhi

raat ki salwathon main kal ka suraj dekha,
har pal ddobti asha main naseeb ki ahat ka intezar kiya,
ruki huyi saans ko mehak ka wasta diya,
dard ki pehel ko mohabat ki dua di,
khabon ki mnat mangi,
jag gaye tab tooti hui palkon main insaaf managa,
aj ji zarrorat main kal ko dooba diya,

The end of Time

This new job keeps me pretty busy,  and I hate writing when I am exhausted but today somewhere deep down, something turned and twisted and I couldn't shrug it away, here is an attempt to give it voice though I have no idea what it want to say.

Today again I came at you door,
I knocked knowing that you would open,
there was someone that came at once,
but it wasnt you for sure but had your resemblance,
I waited thinking what should I do,
It was mostly you,
but something did not seem right in that moment,
it did not feel right with you.
The easy thing to do was to say hi,
then pretend that nothing was wrong,
what you see is the truth everybody says feeling are just hoogwash.
That moment I stood and smiled at you,
you did not greet me with a a smile,
at that moment I turned around and walked for it was just for your smile that I had crossed the end of time.

The answer

https://www.qpeka.com/discover/poem/5351500b0cf219bb98c5c653

For me faith has evolved considerably, from being a atheist to witnessing the magic of faith it ahs beena  long journey. Yet today I grapple with the question of my spirituality, I dont like the concept of religion. I continue to find answers, to  a reality that's much more than names and rituals, but true wisdom.

My First credit as a Writer :P

My first credit as a writer, the feeling is something which shall walk with me forever. One always wants appreciation from another, along with the love of my readers who take the effort to read my rants here these people have offered to publish my thoughts too !

https://www.facebook.com/lituminati

Night Turns to day

The struggle to be happy is such heavy work, rather its our whole journey in this life as we know it.

https://www.qpeka.com/library/poem/5339bb620cf2cde74dfc23e6

Relationship really ?

Relationships can be very funny or rather very time consuming, the one thing I have learned over the years is that your personal life is a shit load of work. The one part of your life which you take for granted is perhaps the most time consuming and painful.

The work dynamic more or less never changes you get good at something and then you are at it, even if you begin to work on a skill set that's new it has a learning curve which you run in a fixed time and then its smooth sailing, its a given that the boss or the client is a jackass and you make your peace with it.

cut to your personal life, its a bloody minefield the terrain of the bloody rain forest must not be so diverse in its flora and fauna. Here you just finish mastering the art of somewhat figuring out what is north and what is south and then you get up one day to realize that the south does not exist at all. Now how do u start navigating when you dont know where to start or where to go.

Boss age can really fuck you up and nobody tells you that it grows on you so fast it may be ten years but they pass u by in a bloody second and suddenly you are not what you thought you were what the hell are you expecting from the poor person in front of you.

Then we start climbing the mountain again. Ground zero again ! In a world which is running you are running with it. The world out there is engraved in your DNA you are on auto-drive,  what is not part of your DNA is the whole act of sharing, understanding, caring, walking with another you need to focus on that because that is what you need to learn and program that needs more effort, work, input and attention.

Today a job is found and sustained a relationship or a marriage nope ! love is a very difficult skill to learn and even more difficult to apply in this fast, fucked up life  

Vote for ?

It has always irritated me that more than often the media creates a circus out of elections. There si no clear communication forget simple. Every journalist exhibits his indepth knowledge with complex tables and even more complex dissertations. Boss why dont u talk simple and sense something that me will understand.
Here is simple and me combined with a table of numbers which is very easy to undesrtand.

https://www.qpeka.com/article/531ab6980cf2f4f345229342

Love arrives

https://www.qpeka.com/library/poem/53090caa0cf2b274fc3d8d00

This August my love will complete 15 years. I still remember the  first day I saw him. The few years post that were a whirlwind of emotions. The good bad and the ugly. Today wile watching a movie about young love ( Marathi movie timepass ) we lived that life again when being stupid was so lovely and a a twenty rupees dosa brought much more happiness than the three thousand buffet that we may eat today,
love arrives and the moment of that arrival live s with u for life.

Love me now

Well personally I think I am terrible at the whole concept of love. I may think that I have some grasp of it but more often than not I come up feeling like a complete failure. Love at least of the romantic kind. Its easy to love as a daughter, sister or a friend but the mushy kind is bloody very difficult. Therefore I usually don't, but this valentines day I attempted once again to pen something that is supposed to be defined as a romantic poem.
https://qpeka.com/library/poem/52fe22b00cf2876d0c0b8798

Right versus Wrong

Turmoil is never a good thing, though something always emerges from its belly. The good or the bad is often depended on you. Its an effort to churn in a direction which takes you to the definitions of the worldly good.
Its an effort and at the end of it you are tired and waste.
what you have before you is the sum total and even though it sits right with your conscience it brings you no happiness. They say that dilemma makes the man, because what you choose you become. Whether you want to be that person in the first place is a big question. Good is a burden and it drags you with it as you peel yourself in the process. There is peace at offer but who is to say that the slugs of wealth and deceit don't have peace as they sleep in the palaces of excess.
your peace is your definition and nobody is to say that you are wrong or right. We slaughter and torture animals for our food. When humans slaughter each other its barbaric and undigested, then again no species attacks its own for no reason except survival. we maybe the only species who does it for progress. This is not the rule of the jungle, its rules are fair and we don't play fair.
Every time we have been set lose we have created nothing but destruction painful upheaval one cat has tried to destroy the whole herd. We are worst than animals they believe in survival, we don't believe in any such thing, because our I is insane.
Maybe that is the fact we are a faulty product, god went wrong and is now stuck keeping an eye on this creation which comes back to life like cockroaches every time he tries to make it extinct.
Our religion is again our ultimate ego, us telling ourselves that god made us in his image and we are born to rule.

Aj

I dont know what to write today, there is so much I want to say and share but somehow its just a jumble.

for today these few words are all I have. Hope words find me soon.

http://www.qpeka.com/poem/52f9f4660cf2c77901b4da52#

POEM CODE

This poem is a lyrical bend to my thoughts on our existence as a predicted species which I voiced in CODE

http://www.qpeka.com/library/poem/52f4ce670cf2f0414f206146

Me a writer ?

These past three years have made me question my very existence, which is as any other person defined by the profession one belongs to. I have searched and searched and somehow the answer has evaded me, there seems to be no need for what I bring to a professional table. I have done then what I know best write. With this poem I hope to begin a journey. Do not know whether it has a destination.
But it would mean a lot if you could share this journey with me as you have till now. Do read what I have to share with you.

http://qpeka.com/library/poem/52ef78f20cf2f0414f206033

We are code

I like the unpredictability of life. You expect some great miracle but then you settle for the puzzle being solved in the end. Your whole life seems to get over in this waiting and finding. I refuse to just wait. Every moment is living for me, there is this inane satisfaction also in doing nothing.
then comes the fear whether this is self destructing. You are not made to do nothing, it leads to decay. Am I doing enough, who defines that for me. Will I do anything again for any one again. There  ! and I thought that I am supposed to celebrate nothingness. Well I surely can try. Resigning myself to hundred questions has not got me any where have tried that, everybody does. Being a good human being is a tough job. The question is are you one in the first place and who defines that for you.
I hate definitions of  any kind, they are too constrictive. I like my freedom, often wonder are we free in the first place there are six personality types in the world we are made in repetition, I cant break the code. I have to follow it, what i feel and what I do is pre determined by that code. Am sure he finds our struggle pretty amusing. 

Are you happy

I have to check myself every time I begin writing on a blank page. It always begins with " Its amazing ". That is what life means to me. In a world that increasingly becomes insecure with every growing want, my world still revolves around the pani puri at the corner of the street. Isnt life that simple. Apparently its not, its very complex, this I dont understand I have tried to, life gets better with money thats what I have been  told with every medium out there that can communicate to you.  

Happiness, I was happy before and I did not have money, I had people. The book says that every era goes through a life cycle of birth, growth and death. We are in the era where this world is dying the kalyug. 

Why are we like this, why is there so much selfishness, why cant we see anything beyond what we want what we need what we have and what we have not.

We dont need love anymore, we need that expensive car, we need to be sexually satisfied, we need

power over another we need those expensive clothes, we need that vacation in Ireland. I dont understand this it is complex for me. I don't see you happy. You need all this to be happy right. What are you ? 

why r you a rapist, why are you a swindler, why are you a abuser ? why are you a selfish human being.

 Are you happy ?

This Christmas.........

Its white its red and its Green ! Its that time of the year when happiness decides to be toll free. Its amazing how a carol here, a decoration there and my heart begins to glow. Even in the darkest hour he is there. Christmas is not about celebrating his birth but remembering that he is the silver lining to our dark cloud. No matter how bad or how terrible life may seem this time of the year life just becomes more beautiful every person gives a moment to goodness to share smiles.Its not about the presents or sweets or the parties which people throw it is the  sweetness the joy and the cheer that decorates another heart !
This Christmas spend, buy, decorate eat, drink make merry but also try and remember to try and reflect the philosophy of the trinity , give today .. A smile, A look, A chance, A forgiveness,  A time, A care, A hand, This Christmas spend few moments living a life for a father and make him proud.

Signs

I believe in signs,
the way to a place,
the arrow to road,
the smile that welcomes.
the frown that doesn't,
a hand that stops,
a finger that nods,
I believe in signs,
nothing points to nothing
I believe in signs

Hey guys :)

Oh and by the way if you do read post a note :) I write because I love to but it will be nice to know that there are people out here who make it worth my while :)

Right now

I dont know what makes us humans so thankless , that is the reason why we are so miserable half the time also maybe it is this very nature that makes us better than who we are. Its really blessed to be blessed when you experience the divine as a part of your life. Everything works out in the end and that strength is enough to get you through any storm. Yet as I wonder what tomorrow will bring, the happy life I have now filled with love , laughter and smiles seems to paint a very bleak picture....Is this not enough. Three years is a long time to believe that there is something out there for you when it comes to you. When work was always a means to and end ,a family to care for when it does not seem to exist now why is there a void. I so want to be happy with what I have and yet there is that stinging emptiness. I want to be satisfied with what I have yet I am not.
This is scary why would I want to be this person.
I have questioned the divine and I have hated myself for that too, when people are dying of hunger I am cribbing about me disappearing, inst that selfish why am I like this, have you made me like that. wonder how the god men feel, how do they attain nothingness.
What if I am plain lazy, maybe that is a possibility but when all your life is about co incidences and circumstances which have been made for you rather than you making them and all your efforts towards dragging your life in the direction you want have gone nowhere. There is that dump in ur heart of knowing that its predecided and somewhere you hate him for that too.
Its like the lover who brings light in your life but you hate him for making you so dependent on him for your happiness.
 Your life behaves like the stubborn bull who wont budge then what do you do. Sit there and wait for it to change its mind ? for something you don't understand to speak to it and make it move its ass. Somebody would think this is escapist thinking but then when u have spend quite some time time sweating trying to move its rump. You would just not care a fuck what the passerby thinks.

Abhi

Aj agar main chahu toh kal ko pehchan lu,
har hone wali ahat ka pata jaan lu,
chaourahe par khadi hoon main jahan door tak aadmi nahin,
ek khamoshi hai aur koi awaz nahin,
is waqt main jhunjhulahat hai zaroor,
hoke bhi nahin hone ka dard hai hazoor,
lekin aj main  mahshroof hoon,
is jagah pyaar ki chaav hai nayi,
kal ki talash main aj yeh kyoon chodu,
kal toh ayega kaha jayega,pyaar aya hai toh koi jadu se yeh waqt kam nahin

Peekaboo

The stars have written a road for me,
A valley of maybe's wait for me,
The dream is lived in surreal reality,
A moment here a wasted eternity,
Today brings a hope for tomorrow,
magic cocooned in absurd huamity,
A window into a hole of certainity,
A gasp of slipping sand and nothing more for me,
Then again who is to know whether tommorrow could bring something new,
or just wrap the old in a new cloak,
And play hide and seek with you.

Khabon ki kayinath

Dastak du  toh sahi, toh koi darwaza khule,
Khabon ke pankh ko hawa ki roshani mile,
Andhere ki duhai date hai kyoon,
hum tum,
jab khab ki roshani apni muthi main pakad ke chale,
hazaron khab main agar hai apni kismat main likhe,
har raat ki behram jakkad ko cheer ke jab hai nikle,
phir unmain se koi ek kyoon na janam le,
haqeekat ki godh main kyoon nahi khele,
agar ankhein bandh karke itne rangon se khelte hai hum,
kya ankhein khol kar umain se ek rang ko bhi na ujjala milein,
kitne rangon ko meeta paoge tum,
mere khabon main kayinath ke hai rang cheepe,
aj koi ek ko mitake tu khush ho le

Kuch naya

Agar is lamhe main jiyoon to zindagi mukamal hoh,
Ek dar ki ahat main jeene ki chuski le loon,
kal ke toote peeghalte makbaron pe aj ki neev rakhoon,
ek lambi si saas loon,
aur us saas main kal ki ahat bharoon,
Main asha  rakhoon, phir us asha ko aj ke seema par rakh kar landh doon,
phir koi nayi aas par dil lagayoon,
phir ek naye din main grah pravesh karu,
har kal ek nayi grihasti shuru karu,
ek naye chand ka deedar karu,
ej naya vrat rakhu,
har naye suraj ko manayu,
sitaron ki chaav main kal ka intezar karu,
mitake aj kal ek nayi kahani  ke liye jagah banayun,
zindagi ke pyale ko dar aur khushi ke makhmal main mehfoos rakhne ki koshish karu.

Baarish ki dastak

Dhund ki dhundlahat main dhoondhte hai hum ahat,
kisi apne ke aas paas hone ki chahat,
barish ke girte padte boonodon ki thartharahat,
apne badan ko choom ke phisal jane ki woh adat,
khushboo ek nayi subah ki lane wali woh andhi,
apne sath le ati hai kisi ki nazar ko dhoondhne ki jhunjhulahat,
darwaze par dastak jab koi deta hai,
sir se paon take jab bheeg ke kapkapata hai,
thake, huye hatoon main garam garam jalebi,
sirf tumhare sath pehli barish baatne ke liye woh safar ki kahani,
hum poochte rehte hai ki pyaar kya hai,
har barish ke mahine main woh pehli dastak uski haazri hai.

kya ?

Aj sone ki chamak main hassi dhundi,
uske peele dano main khushi dhoondi,
Har pal jo khab dekha tha aj pura hai magar,
aj ake khab ke mayane kuch aur ho gaye magar,
har chhez ki keemat hoti hai,
aj jana ki sone ka pinjar ke mayine kya hote hai,
kal mehez mehendi ke abhushanon main jo khushi thi,
sone main taul kar kyoon nahin milti,
dekhna hai ki kya takat hai mujhmain ke har bandhan ko tod kar,
kya udh payungi,
arzoo aj bhi hai lekin,
dar lagta hai ki khaab sach hokar toot jaye toh kya karungi.

Aj hai Najayaz

Aj ne kal ko ek tasver bana diya hai,
har dard har khab ko usmain usko cheeepa diya hai,
aj us dard ko phir se thoda ji loon,
phir aj ke liye dua na mangu, shukriya ada karu,
aj hath dua main nahin uth rahe hai,
aj wapis dard hai,
aj kal se khoobsurat hai phir bhi kyoon chubh raha hai,
yeh bechaini haram ki aulad hai, jayaz hai phir bhi najayaz

Hoh ?

tum agar padh rahe ho,
salon ka safar aj kuch lafz main padh rahe ho,
aj un salon ka wasta,
aj tum utha lo woh kuch lafz,
aur tham lo mera hath,
aj gum ho rahi hoon khudh ke gali se,
shayadh aj kabhi na lagne wala tumhara sath chahiye,
shayadh aj bhi tum apne kadham peeche kheech loge,
apne aap se kuch pal ja jhooth bol loge,
kal ka sach aj main ghum ho jayega,
phir main tumhara pyaar kho doongi,jo kuch pal the,
lekin aj jo nahin hai, aur shayd kal main bhi ghum tha,

kabhi yaad ajati hai woh chamakte huye kuch bati,
woh halka sa ek gana aur tumhara us gane ka aks meri nazar main dhoondne ka andaz,
phir jab raten akeli ho jati hai,
tab main dhoondtu hoon usi gaane main,
kuch pal ga sahara,
woh ek pal ki muskan,
woh kuch kal ka asra,
phir ruk jati hoon,
kal ki muskanon main aj ki tanhai bhualana shayad itna asan hota,
toh phir shahayad koi asoon nhain bahata,
ek play ki jisam ki garmahat ke liye na khareedta,
na pyar ka naam deke janam bhar ka sath saude main khareedta

Aj

shayad aj shuru se shuru kare,
na khud ko na hi zamane ko moka de,
aj khud se sach kahe,
jhoot ka sahara na le na kisi ko de,
phir shayad kal naya ho,
sirf shayad main na rahe,
haqqekat main tabdeel ho,
lekin shurwat toh aj karni padegi,
kadam toh aj uthana padega,
rasta shayad hai, lekin mukam tay hai,
deri hai phir bhi, hosla nahin hai ya phir asha nahin,
aj phir se shayad khud ko behla diya,
sach ko jhoot ke daman main cheepa diya.

panna

Its been a long time since I have done this, but again there is always a beginning which always starts at an end somewhere and I find myself visiting this end and beginning more often than i would like to but then if u are stuck in this wheel called life rather u churn the wheel in the cage. what do i write, frankly I dont want to.

har woh panna jo padh chuke hain aj wapis khol rahe hai,
kash ki yeh zindagi ki kitab hum kabhi padhna arambh hi nahin karte,
lekin yeh hamare hath main kahan,
hath main hain toh sirf har panne ko har din ek ek kar ke khole,
kahbhi hume hasati hai likhi hui hamare liye hamari taqddeer,
zaroorat se kabhi zyada rula deti hai hamari hi kahani,
ankhen bandh nahin karsakte hai hum lekin,
jeene ki saza hoti hai  ki hum har panna padhe,
kabhi kabhi lagta hai ki humne yeh kahani kabhi pehle bhi padhi hai,
ya phir kisi ki zubani bayan hui hai,
jaan kar bhi phi hum anjane ban jate hai,
phir khol lete hai aur ek panna, aur ek subha ke sath

Satyamev Jayate !

The thought that perhaps my soul has finally drowned in the present need for more, walked across me today. It was during this confrontation that I managed to get a few glimpses of satyamev jayate anchored by Aamir Khan.I Hoping to get the much needed kick in the conscious. Nothing touches your heart except sincerity and that was exactly what was missing from the whole show of fake emotion. With glycerin tears and non existing concern plastered on his face, the question of the hour was lost in the world famous Indian empathy. What needs to change is this empathy, its today that we live in, yet the feeling of subordination that made us slaves of a foreign power for more than a century still rides with us. Recognizing the power within when the damage is done is what we have always done, we fought for our independence when we had already been bled dry and today we fight for our bare existence. We need to wake up and recognize the power we have today, as a democracy and a country which is climbing the ladder from being a third world country and us as citizens of such a power. Female infanticide. Dowry death, emancipation, sexual, financial, emotional abuse we have lived and survived all this and more. In this 21^st century where the press holds to ransom everybody from the politician to the chaatwala, we need to wake up to our worth as an individual. That is the fight we need to fight today to be able to recognize the truth in ourselves and in our situation and have the will and the strength to stand up to the truth. We need to free ourselves from the shackles of insecurity that make us weak, scared, selfish and empathetic human beings. We need to fight not just for an existence but for a better quality of existence. We need to not only recognize and accept the fact that only truth prevails but also have the strength to pursue it then only hum sachai se keh payenge satyamev jayate !

looked back over my shoulder,
to catch the rays of the sun,
hoping for a brightness capsuled in a thread,
the desire of a human is always to want the best,
sometimes its a interpretation that is not always right for your health,
it took just a blinking and darkness caught my eye,
the hope for a glow of sunlight turned into the despair of the inky sky,
a moment that exists now can never be revisited back, if you look over your shoulder,
you would find a twisted right,
then perhaps you rather hold the sunlight in your heart,
the need to look at the reality could end up destroying the image of the light,
a moment is lived through eternity if it resides in your heart,
dont bring it to life in a world past its prime,
the light shall me born again but first the night has to dawn,
it may be of a different hue and could dance a different dance,
but it still would be sunlight that would warm your cold wooden heart.

A new beginning

As the new year is just know at the door and the current year is just on the verge of saying good bye I sit and wonder about how my world has come about a full circle.The beginning was pretty dynamic the hope that every beginning brings the finality that a end carries with it seems to be missing. Sometimes though the finishing line has been reached at you dont want to accept it when you have lost the race. Its when you sit and the stands and see the winners exhibiting their happiness that you realize it is over. Either you sit there and curse the universe for your fate or you go and stand at the start ready for another race. Determined that this one you are going to win.
I stand today at the start ready to set and go, looking at the smiling faces around me, with a big smile on my face, ready to once again run with destiny and fight it for my share of victory

a question.....

I must have never questioned my faith as much as I have in theses past few months, sometimes you misjudge the importance of something in your life and then you stand at the crossroad when you have staked it at the table of life and you have lost. At that moment you dont know which way to take the one less traveled by seems as good as the one which is tried and tested. Its a place where you never thought you would find yourself, and nothing you have ever experienced will ready you for it. yet you stand staring at the road ahead asking your heart to show you the way. You have a very nasty doubt that your heart is probably changing color and you cannot listen to it anymore. From here the journey is alone, desperately you look up for the directions you have got till now and you draw a blank. Right wrong simply just seem muddled up right does'nt hurt ego does and you wonder if its your ego knocking at your heart and tearing your heart apart. Is it fair that every time i have to look inside my soul for a ego that may not always exist does it hurt enough maybe it doesnt does it have to. Perhaps the need to find fault within myself every time helps to forgive does the fault exist. Cant I forgive without finding a fault that exists within me that's something that would make you a good human being. I cant where does that put me as a person there are some questions to which you get answers when you are no longer looking for them and this question seems exactly to be the one.

Time

I ma absolutely at a loss, the feeling of not knowing is the worst of any emotion which could arise in your soul. The possibility of not knowing from where the next batch of self earned money is going ton come is a pretty scary proposition especially for somebody like me who has always been the one who has fulfilled every missing gap. As things take their own sweet time, I wonder where will be the next stop. Its a place where I find myself every two years. Not a a very happy place to be if i could help it. I dont like change like most hapless human beings its mostly shoved down my throat most of the time I like the taste but there are also some of those times when I absolutely detest it. I wonder how its going to taste this time though I am not liking what is being presented currently. Its a matter of time that is what everybody is saying but what if there was no time, what if this was it time had arrived and it had arrived with nothing in its hand, with nothing to offer.

self sustainence

The ability to self sustain is the most valuable one will ever learn. Though the learning process will have tears rolling down your eyes, its worth it. It may severe the softness and harden the soft tissues of the heart but then one will never hurt again. For somebody who has such a low threshold for pain it is a valuable lesson.

circle of life

I dont think u ever get to leave the circle u begin life with its like a dog catching his tail. Your whole life you try bypassing the path and cut across to a life you want but you inadvertently end up circling again. Before you realize the futility of it its time to say goodbye your feet just get old and one day u stop circling and thats the end of the repetitive journey

single life adiue !

I must have dreamed about this day a million times for the past 29 years of my life but today as I spend the last few hours of my single life it all seems just perfect. It seems very weird when I use the word perfect in describing this decision it was always the most imperfect decision and the most
imperfect person. But then as I type out these few words as a a bachelorette the person is the most
ideal and the life circumstance right too. Right now the only thing that comes to my mind is " the zahir " one has to travel a whole journey around the world to find what is valuable just by his side.

sapnon ki titli

muthi khol tithli udi,
pankhon pe hazar rangon ki odhni odhi,
nazar pakade tabhi, kahin pal main meri nazar se hati,
socha tha ke uske sang oodh jaoon,
door des kahin pahunch jaoon,
bandh karke rakha thaa use,
sapnon se bandh rakha tha use,
har rang main cheepa tha ek sapna,
jagmagata jhilmilata,
kisi ek din oodh jaoon,
than rakha tha man main,
duniya bhar se ladkar,
sambhala tha use maine,
har raat jab apni muthi dil ke paas rakhti thi main,
dil dhadakta, do bol batiya usse,
un sapnon ke sach hone par,
meetha toh zaroor khilaiyo,
hawa pe sawar hokar khushiyon ki chittiyan
zaroor likhwaiyo,
har sapna jab sachai ka daman thamega,
us odhni ka ek dhaga mujhe zaroor chuwayio,
ankhen bandh karke us titli ko maine apne kareeb paya,
andheron ki garaj se apni khushi ko maine mehfooz sulaya,
aj subha thi woh jise barson se jagana chaha,
chath bar bhag ayi main,
duniya se chipte chipate,
muthi ko asman ke taraf halke se uthake,
saans ko apne aap main dabake,
halke se khol ke muthi,apne jism ko uthake,
tayar ho gayi main sapnon ke shehar udjane,
palak jhapakte hi kahin udgayi woh,
sunni muthi chod gayi woh,
koshish ki maine bahut udjane ki,
khadi reh gayi khali asman ko takti,
sapnon ki dhokebazi ko niharti,
sachai dastak deti hai jab,
dil dhadakna bandh kardeta hai tab

Happppy birthday Anuja.

Dear Anuja wish you a very happy birthday,


The sparkling calm blue ocean is what describes you best. You sparkle with glamor and style , your goodness goes deep as the ocean and your calmness is best reflected in the color blue.

I want ...but will I survive the want ?

It helps to look at life with some practicality and at yourself too. Sometimes what you want becomes so overwhelming that you cannot see the deep waters in front of you. The fact that you cannot swim becomes reality only when you walk into the deep end and you start drowning.You cant breath as water starts choking you it gets into your nostrils your mouth and your eyes and suddenly the only reality for you is survival. The want, desire,longing everything is washed away by saline water and the only thing you want is somehow to survive. At that point you wonder what the f#$& were you thinking when you started the walk towards mount sinai but at that point maybe you have walked into the deep so far that there is no turning back the deep has claimed you and shall have your for dinner. you end up on a dinner plate as somebody Else's dinner. what do you want before you ask yourself that question maybe the first question you should ask is will I survive.

me and you

If you find me here more often, then 9 out of 10 I am pretty upset though this once its purely because I have so much to share.... as they say happiness is a thought away. I must say that Its much easier to enter the sanctuary than ever before . I guess the realisation that everything begins and ends with him is a realistaion that makes all roads so simple.love without a shelve life without any conditions..... Also maybe it has to do with the fact that I no longer have any expectations. Cant describe the feeling its like life is staring at a a white wall. Its when you see perfect take birth and then melt into nothingness that you realise the futility.
I can say today that I have seen all shades of love. Friendship, companionship, fiction and reality and at the end of it all it has all boiled down to me. There was a era of togetherness where there was space for you but in todays space starved existence there is space only for me try making space for you and there is a pretty high possibility that you wont exist.

A known Devil....

Am still wondering, have been for sometime. They say a known devil is much better than a unknown angel sometimes the angel u seem to know turns into a unknown devil. The whole
world then comes to a stand still. Manipulation is intrinsically human but for a hopelessly straightforward entity as me the extend to which people clamouflage themselves just comes as
a bolt of lightning from nowhere. There I stand staring at the sky and my charred soul and wondering what hit me. There is nothing but ugly blackness ruptured by the heat of lies and the wall around your heart is cracked. Within a fraction of a second the cold waves of mistrust drown the faith which used to beat with warmth. As I see faith breath its last I desperately see it flapping its arms for some hope of survival a small twig which may let it live, breath, float. But as the seconds tick bye there is nothing but darkness.Trust when it breaks shatters into a million pieces never to be pieced again and each piece ruptures the heart. Faith is riped apart and torn to smithereens and what remains is a black hole of nothingness....... A mask, a fake idenity, a cloak of lies, a false touch, a deceptive smile , a deceiving look, my unknown angel.

MY RAINBOW

Across the rainbow,
my favourite place,
reached the colours,
then realised the paint,
A shade of white,
thats all there was,
a splash of nothingness and no other hue,
As I looked hard for a dash of some pink or blue,
He looked at me and smiled as if he always knew,
Those grains of sparkling magic were mine to hold,
Had found the rainbow of magical lore,
before the joy could reach my eyes,
A flash of white ,
the rest was lies,
the truth is often before us and we cannot see,
the white colour,
the only reality,
pink, orange, red and blue
are colours which we paint from our imaginary hues,
He is still smiling asking me whether this is a dream,
Or shall I have the strength to accept reality without the
textured screen,
I look at him and smile,
He is clothed in nothing but white,
I open my fist and it turns into a palm,
I ask him to never let me fall.

Started working out yesterday and thought would keep some distance form spicey,oily basically tasty food. But it refuses to let go fo me pyar tumhe kahin bhi dhoond leta hai.

creak in the neck

There is a creak in my neck that refuses to go, sometimes I wonder if it is true that the emotional wanderings of the soul get mainfested in the physical. Dont know if I need to be happy about the fact that my soul believes in attaching itself to emotions or whether I need to give it a spanking for wasting its time dabbling in trouble.

kuch kehna

kuch keh kar bhi jab nahin smajhte hai log,
shabdon ko bahana asan nahin lagta,
khamoshi ho agar zindagi bhar ka sath,
toh phir baton se azmana jurm hai lagta,

PARDA

Agar zindgai ko ek jhooth keh do toh kya galat hoga,
haqeekat ko khayal keh do toh kya yeh sahi hoga,
rishte jab humse jhoot ka purda karte hai,
toh phir sach ka tamsha banake hum kyon jee rahe hai.

My book

Just finished reading atlas shrugged by ayn rand,have always wondered if I was a selfish
self destructive idiot....realised that I was a fair, self loving, objectivist. Left without a book by my side and getting extremely restless about it. Never felt like this since school...with no athletic abilities and scared to death about approaching or being approached by anybody the book spared me the above mentioned trauma. The world could fall apart around me but the noise nor the screams could reach me once a book lay open in front of me inviting me into his world. Nearly half a century later and with a voice louder than the cooker whistle and a tendency to strike conversation with strangers I am unconsioulsy gropping for the firmness of the book cover. My weapon against this world of aliens.

The game

Her deepest and darkest fears came true..... somehow everytime I have read that line as a prefix to a plot in a story I have often wondered whether the writer was a obese shaikh lounging on a satin sofa in a mahal somewhere. Maybe I have read the wrong novels..... or maybe I have read the right ones. Reality is not about fairy godmothers and prince charming....... its about fighting life and its discrepancies, its about believing and having your belief broken, its about struggling blindly to get up from a heap of misery and stand straight, its about seeing your soul mourn the loss of innocence and smile as you shake the hand of success. This is the real life where you have the expertise to enjoy the ectacsy of love and the strength to face yourself when it strips your soul and leaves you naked and shivering. This game of chance called life is laid by the master but can be played with the strength and conviction possible only for man. Your reality is your happiness and even if he rolls the dice the stakes are in your hand. You decide for how much happiness are you going to stake. some stake little, some stake the average and some stake it all.........

Jao

aj socha ki shayad phir se nahin dhadke ga,
tootte tootte kahan kuch baccha hoga
kuch pal pehle ek nazar dal ke dekha,
saans abhi bhi mehek rahi hai,
kuch der ka mehman hai,
uski halat dekh kar main hassi,
pagla tha,
ki takdeer se lad gaya,
mujhe dekh kar muskura raha hai,
mujhse pooch raha hai,
main kya kahoon use,
dil toh kehta hai ki
kahoon ki jeet gaye tum,
phir uski taraf ek nazar aur dalu
toh haqeekat se wakif hoti hoon,
jo dum tod raha,
uski bhala kya sunoon,
uske janeka aj bilkul gum nahin,
khushi hai ki ajke badh koi ehsas nahin.

Stay

somewhere in tomorrow,
somewhere in today,
in a moment of now,
you exist and always will

One of those

Its one of those when you want to take the covers over your head and pretend that the world does not exist. Well its not that bad but for a control freak like me its extremely intolerable when
things are rotating in unknown space and there is no chance that I can bring them in a streamlined form. The only thing left to do is sit and wait and that is one of the most irritating
action for me to do. Await for a form to form itself. Have realised that we earthly creatures are
never satisfied with the existant our constant endeavour of wants does not end. Nor will it ever.

salvation.

I am back and so sooon !!!! well I just had to share my wonderful weekend I had the most

romantic weekend in a very long time. With whom ? love. Maybe I have finally reached

the edge and its a few seconds before I jump. One thing is for sure its going to be one of the

most exhilrating moments of my life. Must say I was mighty worried not being able to experience the magic of love was as good as having to give up alcohol for life. You need to free

love from its cage of form and give it a life of its own. Then you will see it paint itself in a million colours and you will be gasping for breath as it takes a huge leap and touches the sky of the uncomprehensible. In a moment you experience the highs and lows of a ride that you never want to end. It touches the very peak of your spiritual being and then dips to the human entity leaving you with a rumble at the pit of your stomach. Can you capture the zen of this universe in a flutter of a heart beat the answer is you can when your heart beats on the rythum of the warm beats of love.

Single and Silent.

There I go again suffering from a writers block. It feels terrible when words refuse to

create themselves onto plain paper. I don want to look at it but maybe the truth is that I can

express only grief and confusion. As I stand at that corner in life without the darkness or the

cobwebs of depression and frustration clouding my soul. There is a full stop to the maze of words

that I weave. There is peace in my heart and stillness in my soul after a long drawn battle

of emotions and expectations the era of content and begins and I have no words to express.

Love is melancholy, without the bitter ache in the heart it can never be complete maybe the

saying that the greatest stories told are tragedies has a true ring it.

Sometimes

sometimes I laugh,
sometimes I grieve,
sometimes I look at the clock ticking
and just wanna sleep,
sometimes I lie,
sometimes I win,
sometimes I lose and am extremely happy about it,
sometimes I bow,
someimes I grin,
sometimes I refuse to acknowledge propriety,
Sometimes I love,
Sometimes I hate,
Sometimes I waste,
Sometimes gets stuck in sometimes and waits.

The new age

I wonder if I had married the Mr Big a longtime ago keeping in consideration the fact that we
had been dating for the past ten years would he be a different man. Well some thought and the
answer is no men dont change. What about women do they ? well the answer is yet again no.
Not the women of the 2oth century. Who to blame I guess the mother. As society evolved from the highly patriachal where all the love and adoration was only for the male species to a society
of equals. Children were loved no matter the sex which is a brilliant phenomena. Mothers did not brain wash their daughters into not having a personality and into non questionable submission to men. There were more choices for women and more liberty alas the men are stuck with the same old choices and freedom without much expansion or evolvement alas mothers when it comes to their sons are still stuck with the perfect bahu syndrome which gets transfered to their perfect sons. The Indian man of today is still stuck in a world of obedient wifes and almost nonexistent audio levels wherein a non alcoholic,fidel and well earning husband were the only expecations that a woman had from a man.
Today as women fight it out in the boardroom and slug it out in the trains, bread on the table is already taken care of alongwith the bottle of expensive wine. Men clean as fresh laundry and with a eight figure salary find themselves still single and women not ready to mingle. Maybe for one second maybe they need to stop and think. Maybe mommy was wrong the expecations have changed. Its no more food on the table and assurity of a not kissed husabnd but the assurity of a
man who will remember the TLC (total love and care) during a bad PMS, drive down with flowers on a day of total madness at work, remember your favourite dish at a particular restaurant or plain just hug you just after you have thrown a fit at him and god knows what else.
A man of today is about sharing a womans space and making her comforatble in their own.
I guess its time that mothers begin raising boys to be men of understanding its no longer a role
of provider but that of a sharer a role which demands doing all that and a little more. Because
you have a partner who has raised the stakes high and there are going to be no compromises or sacrifice.

The spell

Crossed over the rainbow to a blue lagoon,
looked at my reflection and sudenly ws marooned,
a crsytal ball of desire blocking my freedom loomed,
encircled my being and left my heart full of doom,
every tommorrow I could see extremely clear,
the deception of todays reality and tommorrows fear,
I tried snatching the now and lock it in forever,
looked at my fist and found never,
enclosed I tried to find a inroad to peace,
the will to live a lie in the disguise of a bitch,
time passed and and with it came complacency,
the sense of perfection the biggest mistake of self diplomacy,
then finally one day the prophecy came to pass,
I looked up at the swirling skies darkened by the cryptic spell amass,
In a moment perfection broke its spell and transformed itself into a imperfect dwell,
as splinters flew in every direction,
I smiled and looked at the divine existence,
opened my wrist and let it fly the hope that I was living by.

A Good bye

I never cease to amaze myself. After experiencing robbery for the first time in the middle of the freaking highway for the first time in my life, I found myself making a dash for the police station.Lodged a Fir and had a straightforward conversation with the police all this alone. I don't remember once my hand quivering or my eyes watering with emotion.I was sturdy as stone.Of course the trauma was there and the breathlessness nothing I could not deal with.
A phone conversation with Mr Big of my life and I am a bundle of nerves and tears. Amazing isn't it ! I must say that the fourteen Grand I lost were the most well spend of my life. The answer that I desperately wanted my heart to answer for the last ten years of my life was finally answered. Do I love him. The answer is yes :) I always knew it I guess just was too damn scared to admit. It was going to take away a lot from me a my whole personality how bad is that ! ask a Leo that !
I should have guessed every time I asked my heart for a excuse to go running back to a person I have always proclaimed that I did not love. There was never a tomorrow without nor now was ever complete. The wait of ten years came to a end with me facing my biggest fear my love which ever was and never proclaimed and his which was always a;ways proclaimed and never was.
Its terrible when you know the truth and live a lie.Ten years is a pretty longtime to be living one anyways :)
I know what live is sweetheart I guess now is the time for you to find it. What more deserving gift for my life than love !

Lali

Sunheri doop ki lali,
palkon par theher kar sharmati hui,
aj ke nasseeb ki kashish kal par udhar agar rakh pati,
palak jhapakte hi guzar jati hui is lali ko agar tham pati,
Thodi der ke liye sahi,
agar rukh kar hath thamti mera,
do pal hi kafi hoten uski godh mein sir rakh kar phir so jati,
waqt ka kya hai,
chal karta hai,
aj kya hai kal ka aina hai,
sone do mujhe aj nahin uthna hai,
sunheri dhoop mein akash ki chadar odhe kuch nhain sochna hai,
shyam ki dhandh jab bandan ko jhanjhalne dastak degi,
tab dhodi si lali apni muthi mein chipayi hui apni mathe pe
lagaye,
Aj ka samna karungi

Change............

Its been a longtime since I sat in front of my computer trying to dress my woes in pretty

words. Somewhat attempting to do the same today. Though I am not too sure whether I am
woe stricken.Missing are roses and Chocolate and that flutter in the middle of the stomach, elements synonmous to the four word letter love.The chocolate is sure there bought of the counter adding the kilos to my already escalating weigning scale. The flutter in the middle of the stomach creeps in too when the client decides to play hide and seek and the roses well what are birthdays for.

Happily ever after seems more utopian than ever before and love seems to be some distant day dream in age sixteen. Frankly I think I am taking this awakening pretty well, had a very suspicious feeling that finding myself in front of the extrememely unintresting phenomena called life I would probably sell the hope of living.
Must admit I have found new found admiration for my pink piggy the patience the pig has with me is mind numbing. Much more intense than the moron men that i have dated. The question

sometimes I ask is whether I have some mystical powers that attract me to losers in life or either that all men fall in the same category. Just that by the time they turn 30 they suddenly realise that they better start atleast attempting to play grown up or they are going to face detention forever. I suddenly find myself talking about men again and am shaking my head with a big disappointment on my face. I think god should have made more choices in gender, I mean its not fare that you are left with no choice but to compromise with the other sex because there is no other sex than that. Hmmmmmmm and for women like me for whom compromise is equal to deep sea diving ( I have had near drowning experience thrice) its as good as saying good bye to the possibility of those lovely red bengali sarees, the charming punjabi chuda and ofcourse the diamond mangalsutra I saw on kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi and did I mention sindoor( from natural earth products). Sighhhh well but I guess if you are up against a species that does not understand the simple logic that what goes around should come around you cant have much hope. Dog is the mans best friend. I guess there has been some big mix up there.

My Pandy was a well trained cute puppy and it took just a year.

Men r losers

I am extremely pissed of with men. I mean seriously imagine the most sensitive to womenkind
can be so difficult, dont want to even think about the usual variety. Looking at them makes
me want to believe that god is a man, there is no way a specimen like that could otherwise
come to exist in this fascinating world. Its sufficient to say that they are a disappointing bunch.
Alongwith expecting a perfect dinner on the table they also expect their life to be sorted out
alongwith the change of pyajamas in the night to the tie in the morning. And ofcourse how can you forget the I am the man so I have the right to have a temper role. That is supposed to
be the norm. Aur kuch aye ya na aye lekin mard hai toh ghussa toh hona hi chahiye. But Khussa
and women toba toba no chance a woman with a temper is not worth it at all.
Thats quite perfect ! be a non performing slob roar with whatever energy you have whenever you have the energy to ( remember without lifting a finger) and expect the woman ( who by now has perhaps out done even superman for the day ) to bow down and calm his royal higness.
The problem with most men is that they expect a woman of today in a bonzai version with a very big dose of the "sanskar". Hyocrites yaar atleast have the guts to say hai bhai hum conservative atleast women with better things to do in their lifes wont waste their precious time.

Expectations Hmmmmmmmmmm

Dont expect from the world. Possible ? I really hope that it was a achievable proposition.
There is expectation of life even from the transparent air we breath, then how can you
not expect from the living beings we see and feel. Every move, every gesture , every word
begins a avalanche of emotions that do not stop at just being. The latch on to your carpet
of thoughts and lead you to a selfish universe called need. Well I have tried battling it fighting it but to no avail. I wonder if it is a personal failure as a human being. Not being able to grow beyond the obstacle of me and live a life for you. I think being truthful to yourself is the most important thing in life. Not that easy but then come on who are you kidding ! and if you have a bad sense of humour then toh you are gone!

Saans !

khushi jab saans leti hai,
gam saans thame hume yaad karta hai,
Har uff mein kal ki tasveer banata hai,
Khushi ke aj ki himmat ke samne khudh ko
jhunjhulahte pata hai
satrangon ki ki dhoop chav mein chalte chalte,
agahz se anth tak ka safar mukamal karte hai hum,
sham ki dalti dhoop mein aksar kal ka aks dhoonte
reh jate hai hum,

IT

I dont know what to write once again ! as the zahir says IT has to come and you dont have to do anything. It finds you. Right now I am wating patiently for it to find me but it seems to evade my eye. Any moment now it will come and stand next to me and I will bask in its infinite glory.
Sighs are really not helping alongwith the glass of limca in my hand. Times like these I would
like to lie flat on the bed looking at the ceiling and doing nothing a lot of people I know will
state that this would be the most ideal situation they would ever want and need.
I guess it is not intrested in having a converstaion with me therefore I shall leave and let it
think over its decision.

A drink of of love

Its a long time since i have written long mushy potraits of affection.
Quite a cause of concern for me. Imagine not being able to dream
of black locks and misty eyes and the crashing, cajoling waves.
I guess reality is finally begining to tighten his grasp on my life
and I dont like it one bit. Its been such a wonderfully colourful life.
Love and lost and then ofcousre the wait for eternal love to finally
knock on the door. Its that door which is being hidden behind t
he mould of the crass going ons of today.
The day to day struggles are killing my adventures
of tommorrow and I cannot see any way of saving my mystic forever.
Maybe a glimse, a touch , a scent and the breathless emotion will
come gushing like the torrid meander fighting,
over powering flooding each and every part of my living existence.
Then I shall lay totally drowned and intoxictaed drunk
on the excesses of love. Do I have the strength to battle this gigantic wave.
Maybe no but then the greed to experience unconditional bliss is a demon difficult to control.
As the absolutely irresistible Hrithik Roshan proclaimed
Where love exists is heaven when loves leaves its hell.

KUCH

Do boondh asman,
aur kuch katra hawa,
saans leni ki arzoo,
jeene ka khabon ka carvan,
waqt ke alahad paron ke nishan,
sapno ki chamchamati nagri,
rone ki chah,
hasne ka hosla,
astitva ka maya jaal,
satya ki roshni,
rubab ka andha chasma,
kuch pal ki muskurahat,
aja hath milan mein hu pyar.

love or not to love

I wonder now what love means what existed in bold letters before is a clean slate today.
Quite scary especially for a hopeless romantic like me. I mean what was a overflowing
cup of longing and passion today is nothing but a empty casket of aquaintance. With a
very strong base for a friendship with a forever at at the end of it. Maybe thats the basis
of every relationship a great friendship. I guess its a cliche but then cliche's make the basis
of life, everyday is what adds up to a eternity. In this eternity maybe undying love is what dies !
what survives is need and the immediate solution to it. If the solution adapts itself with your
race to eternity you ahve found love. Not undying driping of pearl champagne and rose syrup
but smelling of onions and heavy sweat after a night's sesion of compromised sex without a
AC.

Super M

Well I thought that I Looked really stupid in it, but on second thoughts

I think I look cute what say!

Fish For thought .

This is what Dreams are made of !

Me again?

Well Just ran through amir khan's blog a few moments before.
He has kicked the butt! well I wonder if he realises what he is in for.
Its been 2 months and counting since I have and the one thing constant about
these two months has been malbro lights. Well I have dreamed,thought and
actually held on to a real stick (yesterday) but it just refuses to get out of my system.
I think I give myself way too much credit sometimes....I guess in every sphere of life! work, relationships and ofcourse thinking that I can give up smoking and drinking altogether.
Mayebe its okay to hide your perfection under a green cloth and shoot
the picture of life with a backdrop of your choice.
A moments pause..... and I realise that the biggest road block
is this constantly yapping thing called conscience. Plus this time I have promised
God and not myself that I shall completely abstain.So the consequences would be life changing(more like screwing....) Well I am sure with the huge to do list that sits in front of amir he should add one more:
Not to think about smoking!
well he is a super heroe I guess people like him dont get up the next morning after a week of
co ordinating,convincing and ego satiation and ofcourse not to forget holding on to a
not yet become bollywood heroines flowing dress as she went in and out of the studio and ofcourse getting ticked of my her ???????? dad( cant think of any adjective)
Cant believe I have previously waited impatiently for months so that I could hold the train of my to be getting married cousin) what a waste all those hours cramming marketing mantras.
Its a Friday morning and after I come back to work after a day of total
dimag ki dhai and tadka which has been a continuation of two similar weeks
(It was very hot u see) I get to open my mail box to a series
of stinkers! Because somebody somewhere in the hierarchy wanted to show
their importance(I can understand if it was my fault). Damn !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At that moment I realised that my patience levels has increased a lot! (Or maybe i did not
have a drop of strength or stamina left in me mental or physical)........
hmmmmmm and he does not want me to drink or smoke (God You see) THIS IS CHEATING....
I guess I am expecting too much out of people... solution? Either I stop giving in my hundred percent or just take my reputation of being a bitch to a whole new level.
what do u think?

SELF ACCEPTANCE

The Dark Mirror

Looking at the mirror you see a reflection looking back at you.

You look at it more closely and you find the minor flaws the mar your presence.

You want to look away but they have you in their grasp totally controlled and absorbed.

You look back. Will they still be there or perhaps they have disappeared. Magic. You want to believe. Its a wish that is wished by each human being that breaths on this planet.

Can you hide them behind a mask or some very affective concealer that you get in the market. Ofcourse you can and You do. Then..... in the night when you sit in half light trying to look away from the mirror that lures you with hope of satiation......you give in.

Eyelids flutter with anticiaption as you flirtingly look at the shadowed mirror

playing hide and seek with your own image. You are sizing up your oponent staring back at you from the transparent glass. You are waiting for him to make the first move. You wait but nothing happens. There is silence around you.

Within you there is a storm. Breathing, smouldering,bellowing. A few more moments and you would explode. Time is getting heavy now and you cannot stand the mystery anymore. You need to know now ! its okay if nothing is left with you but accute disappointment.

You are ready to pay the price. In one swift motion you turn. You are standing face to face with you. The scars hit you with the force and sharpness of the december wind and you are gasping for breath. You immediately look away and close your eyes. The ugly will go away. This time you dont.
You look at yourself as you never have before........ with acceptance.

Blanket of faith

Faith is a blanket that will always keep you warm. I wondered a few experiences ago whether
I did not have the strength to face life without it. There was a answer to my my every question
in the kind infinity I look upto which the world calls God and I call father. Was I ready to face life without his assured presence. Could I dare think about this cosmos without his weaving it
creating every thread that binds every moving and living particle in this revolving, evolving
breathing universe. For a moment I did, He had given me the strength to take up every challenge that was thrown my way. Did I have the strength to challenge the very core of my
existence. I did for a moment and he did not let me question my existence further. He smiled
at me and let me know that he is there looking at me,standing by me and holding my hand.
We says god tests us. But we dont realise that we test him every moment of our lives and he
does not complain he patiently assures when we get lost in the fog of doubt and reason.

Grids

I remember reading in a magazine how Karan Johar the badshah of cotton candy romances does not believe in the institutaion of marriage. Glancing across those pages I wondered what inspired him to create fairtales he did not believe in. You need to have some corner in your heart which beats at the tune of a soft fragrance or a fading memory of a enchanting glance.

The hope of seeing a sunset cocooned in the arms of love hearing the thump of your helpless heart dance on the dune of lazy Waves.These threads which weave the existence of romance in a life that struggles to steal moments of magic from a routine listless life.

The question is whether it makes sense to expect to see a idea materialise into reality. Agreed that life is stranger than fiction, but how often do fairytale romances become a reality in life.I have started asking myself that question. Maybe at a stage and age in life when I am finally begining to attach logic to a dream that I had safely guarded.

The travails of a romantic teenager have cotinued to be a part of a matured woman.Here in may lie the hitch. You need to leave behind the yesterday and try and live in today. Finally I seem to have shed my dreams and accepted the truth that dreams and reality exist in the same dimension one in our existensional grid and another in our subconscious.

Our life is a struggle between these two forces the strongest wins.
You either spend your life working compromises to make reality livable or you spend your life a hopeful,rigid dreamer waiting for perfection to find you one day.

Phir

socha tha ke asoon ab sath chod denge,
lekin kal daman bheegane palkon par
dastak dene aa hi gaye,
raat ke andhere pe chupke se takiye par apna
sir rakh kar mere galon ko sehlate ched hi gaye,
unki ane ki ahat sirf mere dil ko sunayi deti
hai, yeh rab ne dua kabool ki hai,
dard seene mein uth kar so jata hai,
unki mooh dikhai per apni zindagi waar jata hai,
gumnam kisi kone se mujhe chedne aye the woh,
wapis chale gaye hai phir,
marte huye mere dil ko
zindagi de gaye hain phir,
woh na ate toh kahani kuch aur hi hoti meri,
shayad dard ke ehsas se maut dauddi chali ati
phir,

Me Narcissist

This is the first time I am trying to write when there is a smile adorning my face.
Though I cannot gurantee the fact that this discourse or thought presentation is going to make a tug at your heart. Its a attempt any how.I am accused of being bitter and pessimistic in life.This is a attempt to prove that wrong. I can be happy and glad and merry,I could take my merriness a little too seriously and go merry go round the mulberry bush( eeesh)
Though every moment that smile is plastered on my lovely recovering from two pimples face,I am scared that I will again find myself standing at ground zero. There I think I am in very dangerous territory possibility of slipping into depression land.Therefore I think I will concentrate on telling you about my happiness. I am happy about being given attention without having to ask for it or fight for it.I am happy about being told that I am beautiful,I am happy about the effort taken to make me feel special.
Well I guess this post is going to reflect the narcissist that lives in me. He makes me complete.
I have never denied his existence, the opportunity never came to showcase him.Today it does and I am very proud to present him to you. Resplendid in a garb that has every colour of love weaved into it. He stands there blushing like a rose and smiling like a dew drop. Beautiful and divine.

A gift from a father to his child

There is morning at the end of the night.A fact that every individual across every spectrum of age and class knows.It is with this one truth that every human being lives his life and dies.Every night is spend waiting for day and every day is spend in the anticipation of night.As I was waiting for my night to end I must have reminded myself this fact a million times.With it I reminded myself of gods eternal grace over my life.Then too at times I floundered and saw myself cursing the gift of life.Helplessness and disappointment can be the most destructive of catalysts.Yet in the our when the night seems the most dark and these two draconian invaders are knocking the walls of your sanity to pieces.
There is a thin rope of hope that you hold on to.
The hope that takes birth from the womb of faith.You suddenly look up and see that glittering rays of gold are blessing you with their light.That moment night turns to day and before you know it you are basking in the glow of truth and love. The first rays of morning, the first eaves of corn, the first calf of the season ,the first child of a mother.Every first is a blessing of god.Expressing his abundant love for you.A mark that tells you I am there to hold your hand and walk the extra mile.In times of intense pain I hold you in my arms and try and ease it away. In my arms you sleep when you cross every difficulty I am there to bless your life with a smile a gift from a father to his child.