Khabon ki kayinath

Dastak du  toh sahi, toh koi darwaza khule,
Khabon ke pankh ko hawa ki roshani mile,
Andhere ki duhai date hai kyoon,
hum tum,
jab khab ki roshani apni muthi main pakad ke chale,
hazaron khab main agar hai apni kismat main likhe,
har raat ki behram jakkad ko cheer ke jab hai nikle,
phir unmain se koi ek kyoon na janam le,
haqeekat ki godh main kyoon nahi khele,
agar ankhein bandh karke itne rangon se khelte hai hum,
kya ankhein khol kar umain se ek rang ko bhi na ujjala milein,
kitne rangon ko meeta paoge tum,
mere khabon main kayinath ke hai rang cheepe,
aj koi ek ko mitake tu khush ho le

Kuch naya

Agar is lamhe main jiyoon to zindagi mukamal hoh,
Ek dar ki ahat main jeene ki chuski le loon,
kal ke toote peeghalte makbaron pe aj ki neev rakhoon,
ek lambi si saas loon,
aur us saas main kal ki ahat bharoon,
Main asha  rakhoon, phir us asha ko aj ke seema par rakh kar landh doon,
phir koi nayi aas par dil lagayoon,
phir ek naye din main grah pravesh karu,
har kal ek nayi grihasti shuru karu,
ek naye chand ka deedar karu,
ej naya vrat rakhu,
har naye suraj ko manayu,
sitaron ki chaav main kal ka intezar karu,
mitake aj kal ek nayi kahani  ke liye jagah banayun,
zindagi ke pyale ko dar aur khushi ke makhmal main mehfoos rakhne ki koshish karu.

Baarish ki dastak

Dhund ki dhundlahat main dhoondhte hai hum ahat,
kisi apne ke aas paas hone ki chahat,
barish ke girte padte boonodon ki thartharahat,
apne badan ko choom ke phisal jane ki woh adat,
khushboo ek nayi subah ki lane wali woh andhi,
apne sath le ati hai kisi ki nazar ko dhoondhne ki jhunjhulahat,
darwaze par dastak jab koi deta hai,
sir se paon take jab bheeg ke kapkapata hai,
thake, huye hatoon main garam garam jalebi,
sirf tumhare sath pehli barish baatne ke liye woh safar ki kahani,
hum poochte rehte hai ki pyaar kya hai,
har barish ke mahine main woh pehli dastak uski haazri hai.

kya ?

Aj sone ki chamak main hassi dhundi,
uske peele dano main khushi dhoondi,
Har pal jo khab dekha tha aj pura hai magar,
aj ake khab ke mayane kuch aur ho gaye magar,
har chhez ki keemat hoti hai,
aj jana ki sone ka pinjar ke mayine kya hote hai,
kal mehez mehendi ke abhushanon main jo khushi thi,
sone main taul kar kyoon nahin milti,
dekhna hai ki kya takat hai mujhmain ke har bandhan ko tod kar,
kya udh payungi,
arzoo aj bhi hai lekin,
dar lagta hai ki khaab sach hokar toot jaye toh kya karungi.

Aj hai Najayaz

Aj ne kal ko ek tasver bana diya hai,
har dard har khab ko usmain usko cheeepa diya hai,
aj us dard ko phir se thoda ji loon,
phir aj ke liye dua na mangu, shukriya ada karu,
aj hath dua main nahin uth rahe hai,
aj wapis dard hai,
aj kal se khoobsurat hai phir bhi kyoon chubh raha hai,
yeh bechaini haram ki aulad hai, jayaz hai phir bhi najayaz

Hoh ?

tum agar padh rahe ho,
salon ka safar aj kuch lafz main padh rahe ho,
aj un salon ka wasta,
aj tum utha lo woh kuch lafz,
aur tham lo mera hath,
aj gum ho rahi hoon khudh ke gali se,
shayadh aj kabhi na lagne wala tumhara sath chahiye,
shayadh aj bhi tum apne kadham peeche kheech loge,
apne aap se kuch pal ja jhooth bol loge,
kal ka sach aj main ghum ho jayega,
phir main tumhara pyaar kho doongi,jo kuch pal the,
lekin aj jo nahin hai, aur shayd kal main bhi ghum tha,

kabhi yaad ajati hai woh chamakte huye kuch bati,
woh halka sa ek gana aur tumhara us gane ka aks meri nazar main dhoondne ka andaz,
phir jab raten akeli ho jati hai,
tab main dhoondtu hoon usi gaane main,
kuch pal ga sahara,
woh ek pal ki muskan,
woh kuch kal ka asra,
phir ruk jati hoon,
kal ki muskanon main aj ki tanhai bhualana shayad itna asan hota,
toh phir shahayad koi asoon nhain bahata,
ek play ki jisam ki garmahat ke liye na khareedta,
na pyar ka naam deke janam bhar ka sath saude main khareedta

Aj

shayad aj shuru se shuru kare,
na khud ko na hi zamane ko moka de,
aj khud se sach kahe,
jhoot ka sahara na le na kisi ko de,
phir shayad kal naya ho,
sirf shayad main na rahe,
haqqekat main tabdeel ho,
lekin shurwat toh aj karni padegi,
kadam toh aj uthana padega,
rasta shayad hai, lekin mukam tay hai,
deri hai phir bhi, hosla nahin hai ya phir asha nahin,
aj phir se shayad khud ko behla diya,
sach ko jhoot ke daman main cheepa diya.

panna

Its been a long time since I have done this, but again there is always a beginning which always starts at an end somewhere and I find myself visiting this end and beginning more often than i would like to but then if u are stuck in this wheel called life rather u churn the wheel in the cage. what do i write, frankly I dont want to.

har woh panna jo padh chuke hain aj wapis khol rahe hai,
kash ki yeh zindagi ki kitab hum kabhi padhna arambh hi nahin karte,
lekin yeh hamare hath main kahan,
hath main hain toh sirf har panne ko har din ek ek kar ke khole,
kahbhi hume hasati hai likhi hui hamare liye hamari taqddeer,
zaroorat se kabhi zyada rula deti hai hamari hi kahani,
ankhen bandh nahin karsakte hai hum lekin,
jeene ki saza hoti hai  ki hum har panna padhe,
kabhi kabhi lagta hai ki humne yeh kahani kabhi pehle bhi padhi hai,
ya phir kisi ki zubani bayan hui hai,
jaan kar bhi phi hum anjane ban jate hai,
phir khol lete hai aur ek panna, aur ek subha ke sath

Satyamev Jayate !

The thought that perhaps my soul has finally drowned in the present need for more, walked across me today. It was during this confrontation that I managed to get a few glimpses of satyamev jayate anchored by Aamir Khan.I Hoping to get the much needed kick in the conscious. Nothing touches your heart except sincerity and that was exactly what was missing from the whole show of fake emotion. With glycerin tears and non existing concern plastered on his face, the question of the hour was lost in the world famous Indian empathy. What needs to change is this empathy, its today that we live in, yet the feeling of subordination that made us slaves of a foreign power for more than a century still rides with us. Recognizing the power within when the damage is done is what we have always done, we fought for our independence when we had already been bled dry and today we fight for our bare existence. We need to wake up and recognize the power we have today, as a democracy and a country which is climbing the ladder from being a third world country and us as citizens of such a power. Female infanticide. Dowry death, emancipation, sexual, financial, emotional abuse we have lived and survived all this and more. In this 21^st century where the press holds to ransom everybody from the politician to the chaatwala, we need to wake up to our worth as an individual. That is the fight we need to fight today to be able to recognize the truth in ourselves and in our situation and have the will and the strength to stand up to the truth. We need to free ourselves from the shackles of insecurity that make us weak, scared, selfish and empathetic human beings. We need to fight not just for an existence but for a better quality of existence. We need to not only recognize and accept the fact that only truth prevails but also have the strength to pursue it then only hum sachai se keh payenge satyamev jayate !

looked back over my shoulder,
to catch the rays of the sun,
hoping for a brightness capsuled in a thread,
the desire of a human is always to want the best,
sometimes its a interpretation that is not always right for your health,
it took just a blinking and darkness caught my eye,
the hope for a glow of sunlight turned into the despair of the inky sky,
a moment that exists now can never be revisited back, if you look over your shoulder,
you would find a twisted right,
then perhaps you rather hold the sunlight in your heart,
the need to look at the reality could end up destroying the image of the light,
a moment is lived through eternity if it resides in your heart,
dont bring it to life in a world past its prime,
the light shall me born again but first the night has to dawn,
it may be of a different hue and could dance a different dance,
but it still would be sunlight that would warm your cold wooden heart.

A new beginning

As the new year is just know at the door and the current year is just on the verge of saying good bye I sit and wonder about how my world has come about a full circle.The beginning was pretty dynamic the hope that every beginning brings the finality that a end carries with it seems to be missing. Sometimes though the finishing line has been reached at you dont want to accept it when you have lost the race. Its when you sit and the stands and see the winners exhibiting their happiness that you realize it is over. Either you sit there and curse the universe for your fate or you go and stand at the start ready for another race. Determined that this one you are going to win.
I stand today at the start ready to set and go, looking at the smiling faces around me, with a big smile on my face, ready to once again run with destiny and fight it for my share of victory

a question.....

I must have never questioned my faith as much as I have in theses past few months, sometimes you misjudge the importance of something in your life and then you stand at the crossroad when you have staked it at the table of life and you have lost. At that moment you dont know which way to take the one less traveled by seems as good as the one which is tried and tested. Its a place where you never thought you would find yourself, and nothing you have ever experienced will ready you for it. yet you stand staring at the road ahead asking your heart to show you the way. You have a very nasty doubt that your heart is probably changing color and you cannot listen to it anymore. From here the journey is alone, desperately you look up for the directions you have got till now and you draw a blank. Right wrong simply just seem muddled up right does'nt hurt ego does and you wonder if its your ego knocking at your heart and tearing your heart apart. Is it fair that every time i have to look inside my soul for a ego that may not always exist does it hurt enough maybe it doesnt does it have to. Perhaps the need to find fault within myself every time helps to forgive does the fault exist. Cant I forgive without finding a fault that exists within me that's something that would make you a good human being. I cant where does that put me as a person there are some questions to which you get answers when you are no longer looking for them and this question seems exactly to be the one.

Time

I ma absolutely at a loss, the feeling of not knowing is the worst of any emotion which could arise in your soul. The possibility of not knowing from where the next batch of self earned money is going ton come is a pretty scary proposition especially for somebody like me who has always been the one who has fulfilled every missing gap. As things take their own sweet time, I wonder where will be the next stop. Its a place where I find myself every two years. Not a a very happy place to be if i could help it. I dont like change like most hapless human beings its mostly shoved down my throat most of the time I like the taste but there are also some of those times when I absolutely detest it. I wonder how its going to taste this time though I am not liking what is being presented currently. Its a matter of time that is what everybody is saying but what if there was no time, what if this was it time had arrived and it had arrived with nothing in its hand, with nothing to offer.

self sustainence

The ability to self sustain is the most valuable one will ever learn. Though the learning process will have tears rolling down your eyes, its worth it. It may severe the softness and harden the soft tissues of the heart but then one will never hurt again. For somebody who has such a low threshold for pain it is a valuable lesson.

circle of life

I dont think u ever get to leave the circle u begin life with its like a dog catching his tail. Your whole life you try bypassing the path and cut across to a life you want but you inadvertently end up circling again. Before you realize the futility of it its time to say goodbye your feet just get old and one day u stop circling and thats the end of the repetitive journey

single life adiue !

I must have dreamed about this day a million times for the past 29 years of my life but today as I spend the last few hours of my single life it all seems just perfect. It seems very weird when I use the word perfect in describing this decision it was always the most imperfect decision and the most
imperfect person. But then as I type out these few words as a a bachelorette the person is the most
ideal and the life circumstance right too. Right now the only thing that comes to my mind is " the zahir " one has to travel a whole journey around the world to find what is valuable just by his side.

sapnon ki titli

muthi khol tithli udi,
pankhon pe hazar rangon ki odhni odhi,
nazar pakade tabhi, kahin pal main meri nazar se hati,
socha tha ke uske sang oodh jaoon,
door des kahin pahunch jaoon,
bandh karke rakha thaa use,
sapnon se bandh rakha tha use,
har rang main cheepa tha ek sapna,
jagmagata jhilmilata,
kisi ek din oodh jaoon,
than rakha tha man main,
duniya bhar se ladkar,
sambhala tha use maine,
har raat jab apni muthi dil ke paas rakhti thi main,
dil dhadakta, do bol batiya usse,
un sapnon ke sach hone par,
meetha toh zaroor khilaiyo,
hawa pe sawar hokar khushiyon ki chittiyan
zaroor likhwaiyo,
har sapna jab sachai ka daman thamega,
us odhni ka ek dhaga mujhe zaroor chuwayio,
ankhen bandh karke us titli ko maine apne kareeb paya,
andheron ki garaj se apni khushi ko maine mehfooz sulaya,
aj subha thi woh jise barson se jagana chaha,
chath bar bhag ayi main,
duniya se chipte chipate,
muthi ko asman ke taraf halke se uthake,
saans ko apne aap main dabake,
halke se khol ke muthi,apne jism ko uthake,
tayar ho gayi main sapnon ke shehar udjane,
palak jhapakte hi kahin udgayi woh,
sunni muthi chod gayi woh,
koshish ki maine bahut udjane ki,
khadi reh gayi khali asman ko takti,
sapnon ki dhokebazi ko niharti,
sachai dastak deti hai jab,
dil dhadakna bandh kardeta hai tab

Happppy birthday Anuja.

Dear Anuja wish you a very happy birthday,


The sparkling calm blue ocean is what describes you best. You sparkle with glamor and style , your goodness goes deep as the ocean and your calmness is best reflected in the color blue.

I want ...but will I survive the want ?

It helps to look at life with some practicality and at yourself too. Sometimes what you want becomes so overwhelming that you cannot see the deep waters in front of you. The fact that you cannot swim becomes reality only when you walk into the deep end and you start drowning.You cant breath as water starts choking you it gets into your nostrils your mouth and your eyes and suddenly the only reality for you is survival. The want, desire,longing everything is washed away by saline water and the only thing you want is somehow to survive. At that point you wonder what the f#$& were you thinking when you started the walk towards mount sinai but at that point maybe you have walked into the deep so far that there is no turning back the deep has claimed you and shall have your for dinner. you end up on a dinner plate as somebody Else's dinner. what do you want before you ask yourself that question maybe the first question you should ask is will I survive.

me and you

If you find me here more often, then 9 out of 10 I am pretty upset though this once its purely because I have so much to share.... as they say happiness is a thought away. I must say that Its much easier to enter the sanctuary than ever before . I guess the realisation that everything begins and ends with him is a realistaion that makes all roads so simple.love without a shelve life without any conditions..... Also maybe it has to do with the fact that I no longer have any expectations. Cant describe the feeling its like life is staring at a a white wall. Its when you see perfect take birth and then melt into nothingness that you realise the futility.
I can say today that I have seen all shades of love. Friendship, companionship, fiction and reality and at the end of it all it has all boiled down to me. There was a era of togetherness where there was space for you but in todays space starved existence there is space only for me try making space for you and there is a pretty high possibility that you wont exist.

A known Devil....

Am still wondering, have been for sometime. They say a known devil is much better than a unknown angel sometimes the angel u seem to know turns into a unknown devil. The whole
world then comes to a stand still. Manipulation is intrinsically human but for a hopelessly straightforward entity as me the extend to which people clamouflage themselves just comes as
a bolt of lightning from nowhere. There I stand staring at the sky and my charred soul and wondering what hit me. There is nothing but ugly blackness ruptured by the heat of lies and the wall around your heart is cracked. Within a fraction of a second the cold waves of mistrust drown the faith which used to beat with warmth. As I see faith breath its last I desperately see it flapping its arms for some hope of survival a small twig which may let it live, breath, float. But as the seconds tick bye there is nothing but darkness.Trust when it breaks shatters into a million pieces never to be pieced again and each piece ruptures the heart. Faith is riped apart and torn to smithereens and what remains is a black hole of nothingness....... A mask, a fake idenity, a cloak of lies, a false touch, a deceptive smile , a deceiving look, my unknown angel.

MY RAINBOW

Across the rainbow,
my favourite place,
reached the colours,
then realised the paint,
A shade of white,
thats all there was,
a splash of nothingness and no other hue,
As I looked hard for a dash of some pink or blue,
He looked at me and smiled as if he always knew,
Those grains of sparkling magic were mine to hold,
Had found the rainbow of magical lore,
before the joy could reach my eyes,
A flash of white ,
the rest was lies,
the truth is often before us and we cannot see,
the white colour,
the only reality,
pink, orange, red and blue
are colours which we paint from our imaginary hues,
He is still smiling asking me whether this is a dream,
Or shall I have the strength to accept reality without the
textured screen,
I look at him and smile,
He is clothed in nothing but white,
I open my fist and it turns into a palm,
I ask him to never let me fall.

Started working out yesterday and thought would keep some distance form spicey,oily basically tasty food. But it refuses to let go fo me pyar tumhe kahin bhi dhoond leta hai.

creak in the neck

There is a creak in my neck that refuses to go, sometimes I wonder if it is true that the emotional wanderings of the soul get mainfested in the physical. Dont know if I need to be happy about the fact that my soul believes in attaching itself to emotions or whether I need to give it a spanking for wasting its time dabbling in trouble.

kuch kehna

kuch keh kar bhi jab nahin smajhte hai log,
shabdon ko bahana asan nahin lagta,
khamoshi ho agar zindagi bhar ka sath,
toh phir baton se azmana jurm hai lagta,

PARDA

Agar zindgai ko ek jhooth keh do toh kya galat hoga,
haqeekat ko khayal keh do toh kya yeh sahi hoga,
rishte jab humse jhoot ka purda karte hai,
toh phir sach ka tamsha banake hum kyon jee rahe hai.

My book

Just finished reading atlas shrugged by ayn rand,have always wondered if I was a selfish
self destructive idiot....realised that I was a fair, self loving, objectivist. Left without a book by my side and getting extremely restless about it. Never felt like this since school...with no athletic abilities and scared to death about approaching or being approached by anybody the book spared me the above mentioned trauma. The world could fall apart around me but the noise nor the screams could reach me once a book lay open in front of me inviting me into his world. Nearly half a century later and with a voice louder than the cooker whistle and a tendency to strike conversation with strangers I am unconsioulsy gropping for the firmness of the book cover. My weapon against this world of aliens.

The game

Her deepest and darkest fears came true..... somehow everytime I have read that line as a prefix to a plot in a story I have often wondered whether the writer was a obese shaikh lounging on a satin sofa in a mahal somewhere. Maybe I have read the wrong novels..... or maybe I have read the right ones. Reality is not about fairy godmothers and prince charming....... its about fighting life and its discrepancies, its about believing and having your belief broken, its about struggling blindly to get up from a heap of misery and stand straight, its about seeing your soul mourn the loss of innocence and smile as you shake the hand of success. This is the real life where you have the expertise to enjoy the ectacsy of love and the strength to face yourself when it strips your soul and leaves you naked and shivering. This game of chance called life is laid by the master but can be played with the strength and conviction possible only for man. Your reality is your happiness and even if he rolls the dice the stakes are in your hand. You decide for how much happiness are you going to stake. some stake little, some stake the average and some stake it all.........

Jao

aj socha ki shayad phir se nahin dhadke ga,
tootte tootte kahan kuch baccha hoga
kuch pal pehle ek nazar dal ke dekha,
saans abhi bhi mehek rahi hai,
kuch der ka mehman hai,
uski halat dekh kar main hassi,
pagla tha,
ki takdeer se lad gaya,
mujhe dekh kar muskura raha hai,
mujhse pooch raha hai,
main kya kahoon use,
dil toh kehta hai ki
kahoon ki jeet gaye tum,
phir uski taraf ek nazar aur dalu
toh haqeekat se wakif hoti hoon,
jo dum tod raha,
uski bhala kya sunoon,
uske janeka aj bilkul gum nahin,
khushi hai ki ajke badh koi ehsas nahin.

Stay

somewhere in tomorrow,
somewhere in today,
in a moment of now,
you exist and always will

One of those

Its one of those when you want to take the covers over your head and pretend that the world does not exist. Well its not that bad but for a control freak like me its extremely intolerable when
things are rotating in unknown space and there is no chance that I can bring them in a streamlined form. The only thing left to do is sit and wait and that is one of the most irritating
action for me to do. Await for a form to form itself. Have realised that we earthly creatures are
never satisfied with the existant our constant endeavour of wants does not end. Nor will it ever.

salvation.

I am back and so sooon !!!! well I just had to share my wonderful weekend I had the most

romantic weekend in a very long time. With whom ? love. Maybe I have finally reached

the edge and its a few seconds before I jump. One thing is for sure its going to be one of the

most exhilrating moments of my life. Must say I was mighty worried not being able to experience the magic of love was as good as having to give up alcohol for life. You need to free

love from its cage of form and give it a life of its own. Then you will see it paint itself in a million colours and you will be gasping for breath as it takes a huge leap and touches the sky of the uncomprehensible. In a moment you experience the highs and lows of a ride that you never want to end. It touches the very peak of your spiritual being and then dips to the human entity leaving you with a rumble at the pit of your stomach. Can you capture the zen of this universe in a flutter of a heart beat the answer is you can when your heart beats on the rythum of the warm beats of love.

Single and Silent.

There I go again suffering from a writers block. It feels terrible when words refuse to

create themselves onto plain paper. I don want to look at it but maybe the truth is that I can

express only grief and confusion. As I stand at that corner in life without the darkness or the

cobwebs of depression and frustration clouding my soul. There is a full stop to the maze of words

that I weave. There is peace in my heart and stillness in my soul after a long drawn battle

of emotions and expectations the era of content and begins and I have no words to express.

Love is melancholy, without the bitter ache in the heart it can never be complete maybe the

saying that the greatest stories told are tragedies has a true ring it.

Sometimes

sometimes I laugh,
sometimes I grieve,
sometimes I look at the clock ticking
and just wanna sleep,
sometimes I lie,
sometimes I win,
sometimes I lose and am extremely happy about it,
sometimes I bow,
someimes I grin,
sometimes I refuse to acknowledge propriety,
Sometimes I love,
Sometimes I hate,
Sometimes I waste,
Sometimes gets stuck in sometimes and waits.

The new age

I wonder if I had married the Mr Big a longtime ago keeping in consideration the fact that we
had been dating for the past ten years would he be a different man. Well some thought and the
answer is no men dont change. What about women do they ? well the answer is yet again no.
Not the women of the 2oth century. Who to blame I guess the mother. As society evolved from the highly patriachal where all the love and adoration was only for the male species to a society
of equals. Children were loved no matter the sex which is a brilliant phenomena. Mothers did not brain wash their daughters into not having a personality and into non questionable submission to men. There were more choices for women and more liberty alas the men are stuck with the same old choices and freedom without much expansion or evolvement alas mothers when it comes to their sons are still stuck with the perfect bahu syndrome which gets transfered to their perfect sons. The Indian man of today is still stuck in a world of obedient wifes and almost nonexistent audio levels wherein a non alcoholic,fidel and well earning husband were the only expecations that a woman had from a man.
Today as women fight it out in the boardroom and slug it out in the trains, bread on the table is already taken care of alongwith the bottle of expensive wine. Men clean as fresh laundry and with a eight figure salary find themselves still single and women not ready to mingle. Maybe for one second maybe they need to stop and think. Maybe mommy was wrong the expecations have changed. Its no more food on the table and assurity of a not kissed husabnd but the assurity of a
man who will remember the TLC (total love and care) during a bad PMS, drive down with flowers on a day of total madness at work, remember your favourite dish at a particular restaurant or plain just hug you just after you have thrown a fit at him and god knows what else.
A man of today is about sharing a womans space and making her comforatble in their own.
I guess its time that mothers begin raising boys to be men of understanding its no longer a role
of provider but that of a sharer a role which demands doing all that and a little more. Because
you have a partner who has raised the stakes high and there are going to be no compromises or sacrifice.

The spell

Crossed over the rainbow to a blue lagoon,
looked at my reflection and sudenly ws marooned,
a crsytal ball of desire blocking my freedom loomed,
encircled my being and left my heart full of doom,
every tommorrow I could see extremely clear,
the deception of todays reality and tommorrows fear,
I tried snatching the now and lock it in forever,
looked at my fist and found never,
enclosed I tried to find a inroad to peace,
the will to live a lie in the disguise of a bitch,
time passed and and with it came complacency,
the sense of perfection the biggest mistake of self diplomacy,
then finally one day the prophecy came to pass,
I looked up at the swirling skies darkened by the cryptic spell amass,
In a moment perfection broke its spell and transformed itself into a imperfect dwell,
as splinters flew in every direction,
I smiled and looked at the divine existence,
opened my wrist and let it fly the hope that I was living by.

A Good bye

I never cease to amaze myself. After experiencing robbery for the first time in the middle of the freaking highway for the first time in my life, I found myself making a dash for the police station.Lodged a Fir and had a straightforward conversation with the police all this alone. I don't remember once my hand quivering or my eyes watering with emotion.I was sturdy as stone.Of course the trauma was there and the breathlessness nothing I could not deal with.
A phone conversation with Mr Big of my life and I am a bundle of nerves and tears. Amazing isn't it ! I must say that the fourteen Grand I lost were the most well spend of my life. The answer that I desperately wanted my heart to answer for the last ten years of my life was finally answered. Do I love him. The answer is yes :) I always knew it I guess just was too damn scared to admit. It was going to take away a lot from me a my whole personality how bad is that ! ask a Leo that !
I should have guessed every time I asked my heart for a excuse to go running back to a person I have always proclaimed that I did not love. There was never a tomorrow without nor now was ever complete. The wait of ten years came to a end with me facing my biggest fear my love which ever was and never proclaimed and his which was always a;ways proclaimed and never was.
Its terrible when you know the truth and live a lie.Ten years is a pretty longtime to be living one anyways :)
I know what live is sweetheart I guess now is the time for you to find it. What more deserving gift for my life than love !

Lali

Sunheri doop ki lali,
palkon par theher kar sharmati hui,
aj ke nasseeb ki kashish kal par udhar agar rakh pati,
palak jhapakte hi guzar jati hui is lali ko agar tham pati,
Thodi der ke liye sahi,
agar rukh kar hath thamti mera,
do pal hi kafi hoten uski godh mein sir rakh kar phir so jati,
waqt ka kya hai,
chal karta hai,
aj kya hai kal ka aina hai,
sone do mujhe aj nahin uthna hai,
sunheri dhoop mein akash ki chadar odhe kuch nhain sochna hai,
shyam ki dhandh jab bandan ko jhanjhalne dastak degi,
tab dhodi si lali apni muthi mein chipayi hui apni mathe pe
lagaye,
Aj ka samna karungi

Change............

Its been a longtime since I sat in front of my computer trying to dress my woes in pretty

words. Somewhat attempting to do the same today. Though I am not too sure whether I am
woe stricken.Missing are roses and Chocolate and that flutter in the middle of the stomach, elements synonmous to the four word letter love.The chocolate is sure there bought of the counter adding the kilos to my already escalating weigning scale. The flutter in the middle of the stomach creeps in too when the client decides to play hide and seek and the roses well what are birthdays for.

Happily ever after seems more utopian than ever before and love seems to be some distant day dream in age sixteen. Frankly I think I am taking this awakening pretty well, had a very suspicious feeling that finding myself in front of the extrememely unintresting phenomena called life I would probably sell the hope of living.
Must admit I have found new found admiration for my pink piggy the patience the pig has with me is mind numbing. Much more intense than the moron men that i have dated. The question

sometimes I ask is whether I have some mystical powers that attract me to losers in life or either that all men fall in the same category. Just that by the time they turn 30 they suddenly realise that they better start atleast attempting to play grown up or they are going to face detention forever. I suddenly find myself talking about men again and am shaking my head with a big disappointment on my face. I think god should have made more choices in gender, I mean its not fare that you are left with no choice but to compromise with the other sex because there is no other sex than that. Hmmmmmmm and for women like me for whom compromise is equal to deep sea diving ( I have had near drowning experience thrice) its as good as saying good bye to the possibility of those lovely red bengali sarees, the charming punjabi chuda and ofcourse the diamond mangalsutra I saw on kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi and did I mention sindoor( from natural earth products). Sighhhh well but I guess if you are up against a species that does not understand the simple logic that what goes around should come around you cant have much hope. Dog is the mans best friend. I guess there has been some big mix up there.

My Pandy was a well trained cute puppy and it took just a year.

Men r losers

I am extremely pissed of with men. I mean seriously imagine the most sensitive to womenkind
can be so difficult, dont want to even think about the usual variety. Looking at them makes
me want to believe that god is a man, there is no way a specimen like that could otherwise
come to exist in this fascinating world. Its sufficient to say that they are a disappointing bunch.
Alongwith expecting a perfect dinner on the table they also expect their life to be sorted out
alongwith the change of pyajamas in the night to the tie in the morning. And ofcourse how can you forget the I am the man so I have the right to have a temper role. That is supposed to
be the norm. Aur kuch aye ya na aye lekin mard hai toh ghussa toh hona hi chahiye. But Khussa
and women toba toba no chance a woman with a temper is not worth it at all.
Thats quite perfect ! be a non performing slob roar with whatever energy you have whenever you have the energy to ( remember without lifting a finger) and expect the woman ( who by now has perhaps out done even superman for the day ) to bow down and calm his royal higness.
The problem with most men is that they expect a woman of today in a bonzai version with a very big dose of the "sanskar". Hyocrites yaar atleast have the guts to say hai bhai hum conservative atleast women with better things to do in their lifes wont waste their precious time.

Expectations Hmmmmmmmmmm

Dont expect from the world. Possible ? I really hope that it was a achievable proposition.
There is expectation of life even from the transparent air we breath, then how can you
not expect from the living beings we see and feel. Every move, every gesture , every word
begins a avalanche of emotions that do not stop at just being. The latch on to your carpet
of thoughts and lead you to a selfish universe called need. Well I have tried battling it fighting it but to no avail. I wonder if it is a personal failure as a human being. Not being able to grow beyond the obstacle of me and live a life for you. I think being truthful to yourself is the most important thing in life. Not that easy but then come on who are you kidding ! and if you have a bad sense of humour then toh you are gone!

Saans !

khushi jab saans leti hai,
gam saans thame hume yaad karta hai,
Har uff mein kal ki tasveer banata hai,
Khushi ke aj ki himmat ke samne khudh ko
jhunjhulahte pata hai
satrangon ki ki dhoop chav mein chalte chalte,
agahz se anth tak ka safar mukamal karte hai hum,
sham ki dalti dhoop mein aksar kal ka aks dhoonte
reh jate hai hum,

IT

I dont know what to write once again ! as the zahir says IT has to come and you dont have to do anything. It finds you. Right now I am wating patiently for it to find me but it seems to evade my eye. Any moment now it will come and stand next to me and I will bask in its infinite glory.
Sighs are really not helping alongwith the glass of limca in my hand. Times like these I would
like to lie flat on the bed looking at the ceiling and doing nothing a lot of people I know will
state that this would be the most ideal situation they would ever want and need.
I guess it is not intrested in having a converstaion with me therefore I shall leave and let it
think over its decision.

A drink of of love

Its a long time since i have written long mushy potraits of affection.
Quite a cause of concern for me. Imagine not being able to dream
of black locks and misty eyes and the crashing, cajoling waves.
I guess reality is finally begining to tighten his grasp on my life
and I dont like it one bit. Its been such a wonderfully colourful life.
Love and lost and then ofcousre the wait for eternal love to finally
knock on the door. Its that door which is being hidden behind t
he mould of the crass going ons of today.
The day to day struggles are killing my adventures
of tommorrow and I cannot see any way of saving my mystic forever.
Maybe a glimse, a touch , a scent and the breathless emotion will
come gushing like the torrid meander fighting,
over powering flooding each and every part of my living existence.
Then I shall lay totally drowned and intoxictaed drunk
on the excesses of love. Do I have the strength to battle this gigantic wave.
Maybe no but then the greed to experience unconditional bliss is a demon difficult to control.
As the absolutely irresistible Hrithik Roshan proclaimed
Where love exists is heaven when loves leaves its hell.

KUCH

Do boondh asman,
aur kuch katra hawa,
saans leni ki arzoo,
jeene ka khabon ka carvan,
waqt ke alahad paron ke nishan,
sapno ki chamchamati nagri,
rone ki chah,
hasne ka hosla,
astitva ka maya jaal,
satya ki roshni,
rubab ka andha chasma,
kuch pal ki muskurahat,
aja hath milan mein hu pyar.

love or not to love

I wonder now what love means what existed in bold letters before is a clean slate today.
Quite scary especially for a hopeless romantic like me. I mean what was a overflowing
cup of longing and passion today is nothing but a empty casket of aquaintance. With a
very strong base for a friendship with a forever at at the end of it. Maybe thats the basis
of every relationship a great friendship. I guess its a cliche but then cliche's make the basis
of life, everyday is what adds up to a eternity. In this eternity maybe undying love is what dies !
what survives is need and the immediate solution to it. If the solution adapts itself with your
race to eternity you ahve found love. Not undying driping of pearl champagne and rose syrup
but smelling of onions and heavy sweat after a night's sesion of compromised sex without a
AC.

Super M

Well I thought that I Looked really stupid in it, but on second thoughts

I think I look cute what say!

Fish For thought .

This is what Dreams are made of !

Me again?

Well Just ran through amir khan's blog a few moments before.
He has kicked the butt! well I wonder if he realises what he is in for.
Its been 2 months and counting since I have and the one thing constant about
these two months has been malbro lights. Well I have dreamed,thought and
actually held on to a real stick (yesterday) but it just refuses to get out of my system.
I think I give myself way too much credit sometimes....I guess in every sphere of life! work, relationships and ofcourse thinking that I can give up smoking and drinking altogether.
Mayebe its okay to hide your perfection under a green cloth and shoot
the picture of life with a backdrop of your choice.
A moments pause..... and I realise that the biggest road block
is this constantly yapping thing called conscience. Plus this time I have promised
God and not myself that I shall completely abstain.So the consequences would be life changing(more like screwing....) Well I am sure with the huge to do list that sits in front of amir he should add one more:
Not to think about smoking!
well he is a super heroe I guess people like him dont get up the next morning after a week of
co ordinating,convincing and ego satiation and ofcourse not to forget holding on to a
not yet become bollywood heroines flowing dress as she went in and out of the studio and ofcourse getting ticked of my her ???????? dad( cant think of any adjective)
Cant believe I have previously waited impatiently for months so that I could hold the train of my to be getting married cousin) what a waste all those hours cramming marketing mantras.
Its a Friday morning and after I come back to work after a day of total
dimag ki dhai and tadka which has been a continuation of two similar weeks
(It was very hot u see) I get to open my mail box to a series
of stinkers! Because somebody somewhere in the hierarchy wanted to show
their importance(I can understand if it was my fault). Damn !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At that moment I realised that my patience levels has increased a lot! (Or maybe i did not
have a drop of strength or stamina left in me mental or physical)........
hmmmmmm and he does not want me to drink or smoke (God You see) THIS IS CHEATING....
I guess I am expecting too much out of people... solution? Either I stop giving in my hundred percent or just take my reputation of being a bitch to a whole new level.
what do u think?

SELF ACCEPTANCE

The Dark Mirror

Looking at the mirror you see a reflection looking back at you.

You look at it more closely and you find the minor flaws the mar your presence.

You want to look away but they have you in their grasp totally controlled and absorbed.

You look back. Will they still be there or perhaps they have disappeared. Magic. You want to believe. Its a wish that is wished by each human being that breaths on this planet.

Can you hide them behind a mask or some very affective concealer that you get in the market. Ofcourse you can and You do. Then..... in the night when you sit in half light trying to look away from the mirror that lures you with hope of satiation......you give in.

Eyelids flutter with anticiaption as you flirtingly look at the shadowed mirror

playing hide and seek with your own image. You are sizing up your oponent staring back at you from the transparent glass. You are waiting for him to make the first move. You wait but nothing happens. There is silence around you.

Within you there is a storm. Breathing, smouldering,bellowing. A few more moments and you would explode. Time is getting heavy now and you cannot stand the mystery anymore. You need to know now ! its okay if nothing is left with you but accute disappointment.

You are ready to pay the price. In one swift motion you turn. You are standing face to face with you. The scars hit you with the force and sharpness of the december wind and you are gasping for breath. You immediately look away and close your eyes. The ugly will go away. This time you dont.
You look at yourself as you never have before........ with acceptance.

Blanket of faith

Faith is a blanket that will always keep you warm. I wondered a few experiences ago whether
I did not have the strength to face life without it. There was a answer to my my every question
in the kind infinity I look upto which the world calls God and I call father. Was I ready to face life without his assured presence. Could I dare think about this cosmos without his weaving it
creating every thread that binds every moving and living particle in this revolving, evolving
breathing universe. For a moment I did, He had given me the strength to take up every challenge that was thrown my way. Did I have the strength to challenge the very core of my
existence. I did for a moment and he did not let me question my existence further. He smiled
at me and let me know that he is there looking at me,standing by me and holding my hand.
We says god tests us. But we dont realise that we test him every moment of our lives and he
does not complain he patiently assures when we get lost in the fog of doubt and reason.

Grids

I remember reading in a magazine how Karan Johar the badshah of cotton candy romances does not believe in the institutaion of marriage. Glancing across those pages I wondered what inspired him to create fairtales he did not believe in. You need to have some corner in your heart which beats at the tune of a soft fragrance or a fading memory of a enchanting glance.

The hope of seeing a sunset cocooned in the arms of love hearing the thump of your helpless heart dance on the dune of lazy Waves.These threads which weave the existence of romance in a life that struggles to steal moments of magic from a routine listless life.

The question is whether it makes sense to expect to see a idea materialise into reality. Agreed that life is stranger than fiction, but how often do fairytale romances become a reality in life.I have started asking myself that question. Maybe at a stage and age in life when I am finally begining to attach logic to a dream that I had safely guarded.

The travails of a romantic teenager have cotinued to be a part of a matured woman.Here in may lie the hitch. You need to leave behind the yesterday and try and live in today. Finally I seem to have shed my dreams and accepted the truth that dreams and reality exist in the same dimension one in our existensional grid and another in our subconscious.

Our life is a struggle between these two forces the strongest wins.
You either spend your life working compromises to make reality livable or you spend your life a hopeful,rigid dreamer waiting for perfection to find you one day.

Phir

socha tha ke asoon ab sath chod denge,
lekin kal daman bheegane palkon par
dastak dene aa hi gaye,
raat ke andhere pe chupke se takiye par apna
sir rakh kar mere galon ko sehlate ched hi gaye,
unki ane ki ahat sirf mere dil ko sunayi deti
hai, yeh rab ne dua kabool ki hai,
dard seene mein uth kar so jata hai,
unki mooh dikhai per apni zindagi waar jata hai,
gumnam kisi kone se mujhe chedne aye the woh,
wapis chale gaye hai phir,
marte huye mere dil ko
zindagi de gaye hain phir,
woh na ate toh kahani kuch aur hi hoti meri,
shayad dard ke ehsas se maut dauddi chali ati
phir,

Me Narcissist

This is the first time I am trying to write when there is a smile adorning my face.
Though I cannot gurantee the fact that this discourse or thought presentation is going to make a tug at your heart. Its a attempt any how.I am accused of being bitter and pessimistic in life.This is a attempt to prove that wrong. I can be happy and glad and merry,I could take my merriness a little too seriously and go merry go round the mulberry bush( eeesh)
Though every moment that smile is plastered on my lovely recovering from two pimples face,I am scared that I will again find myself standing at ground zero. There I think I am in very dangerous territory possibility of slipping into depression land.Therefore I think I will concentrate on telling you about my happiness. I am happy about being given attention without having to ask for it or fight for it.I am happy about being told that I am beautiful,I am happy about the effort taken to make me feel special.
Well I guess this post is going to reflect the narcissist that lives in me. He makes me complete.
I have never denied his existence, the opportunity never came to showcase him.Today it does and I am very proud to present him to you. Resplendid in a garb that has every colour of love weaved into it. He stands there blushing like a rose and smiling like a dew drop. Beautiful and divine.

A gift from a father to his child

There is morning at the end of the night.A fact that every individual across every spectrum of age and class knows.It is with this one truth that every human being lives his life and dies.Every night is spend waiting for day and every day is spend in the anticipation of night.As I was waiting for my night to end I must have reminded myself this fact a million times.With it I reminded myself of gods eternal grace over my life.Then too at times I floundered and saw myself cursing the gift of life.Helplessness and disappointment can be the most destructive of catalysts.Yet in the our when the night seems the most dark and these two draconian invaders are knocking the walls of your sanity to pieces.
There is a thin rope of hope that you hold on to.
The hope that takes birth from the womb of faith.You suddenly look up and see that glittering rays of gold are blessing you with their light.That moment night turns to day and before you know it you are basking in the glow of truth and love. The first rays of morning, the first eaves of corn, the first calf of the season ,the first child of a mother.Every first is a blessing of god.Expressing his abundant love for you.A mark that tells you I am there to hold your hand and walk the extra mile.In times of intense pain I hold you in my arms and try and ease it away. In my arms you sleep when you cross every difficulty I am there to bless your life with a smile a gift from a father to his child.

Subah

Subah ho gayi,
Ek naye daur ka agahz ho gaya,
Kal rat ki chandi mein humne har khwab udadiya,
Shayad abhi kisi door pariyon ke des mein kisi
Khoobsurat pari ke pas mehfoos hai,
Reh gaye hain kuch aks, thartharate apne ap se
nazar churate huye,ek pal lagta hai unhe bhi azad kar du,
hath uth bhi jata hai,
lekin muthi khul nahin pati hai,
zidh pakad leti hai,
Dhadakte huye dil ko mana nahi
Pati hoon,
Har kar who kuch khwabh sirhane
Rakh kar so jati hoon.
Ke shayad kal ki subah ek suhani shyam
Mein tabdeel ho jaye,
Aur mein inhi khwabon ki chunar hodh ke,
Dhalti dhoop se sharma jaoon,
Aas toot kar bhi barkarar rehti hai,
Ajeeb si kashish hain uske husn mein,
Harte huye insane ko tootne se thamb leti hai,
Lekin Lagta hai ki haqeekat ki thand mein abhi
woh Pighalne lagi hai,
Kuch hi pal ji rahi hai,
Zindagi ke badsurat sach mein tabdeel
Ho jayegi.
Aur phir sirf reh jayegi ek dhoondli si
Yaad,
Door kisi parion ke des mein saans leti
Mere khwabon ki,
Ek zamane mein khoobsurat mere aas ki.

Photo Credit http://www.flickr.com/photos/ladybugsleaf/50193929/

Maya

Love and lost, believed and broken. It’s a existence of was and now,
It’s difficult accepting life as a pendulum that swings between these
Two extreme entities. Perhaps this is the reason the call love Maya an illusion. Because that’s who she is. A make believe world that you weave around yourself keeping you snug in days of lonely barrenness and emotional poverty. A state of bliss and surreal satisfaction. Its just A matter of time till the sun comes up and eats the dreamy mist in a fraction of a second. Suddenly you are woken up to naked reality. The thin muslin that you had covered it with is torn into a million pieces and you are forced to stare at the scars that mar the face of perfection. Love is perfect human beings are not. In this world of infinite uncertainties and pain it is this illusion that we want to spend our lives in. Then starts the journey in search of a mystic illusion a lie that you will buy with a thousand truths. You search for the ever elusive Maya.

Morning Light

Truth and Justice are dead my reader,
What have you come here to see?
A body that’s becoming colder day by day,
Because it lacks the lying ability,
When the price for dignity is paid in dollars,
You see respect bend its knee,
A lone warrior stands in the docks,
Staring at his destiny,
Dripping in blood of every hope,
Of every dream that he had seen,
Yet as he walks towards the Golgotha,
Carrying his cross of success with him,
Tomorrow stares and him and spits on his
Face for throwing it away for today’s honor
and self esteem,
Worthy or not my reader is he of this humility,
A man who lives a life of righteousness can never
Be accepted in this society,
Take away from him the right to live take away from him his soul,
Break him into a million pieces; take away from him his strength
Of yore,
Then what the night is upon him and nothing is seen in the dark,
He shall yearn for a little bit of assurance and sell his honor for a
Spark,
Wait my reader before you think that this is the end for this man,
I forgot to tell you that this is a night and will pass into
Morning light.

A Complete life.

You are a image,
A reflection in still waters,
tanslation of the inner desires,
of wants and dreams,
thoughts chained in minds recesses,
flow into your countenence,
A aura that is so real,
sometimes there is no doubt about your existence,
you are there for me to touch and feel,
I search for you in faces that I can see,
In a smile that lives and dies in a second,
Today wants to believe you Tomorrow knows that you will dissolve,
A dew drop that lives in the dying darkness of the early morning,
disappears in the daylights first curve,
I shall hold you close for the few moments that you live,
you are my reality,in this world of fakes,
In your arms I shall find peace,In those few moments,
A complete life I will live.

Fight For a Woman's Modesty

I wonder If journalism will ever go back to being about justice.I wonder If a journalist will ever go back to reporting just the facts and not fiction.I wonder If news will be about stating the truth than providing infotainment.
The helpless face of the ten year old Asma splashed on the television screen in
the studio and I looked at the pressure in the newsroom to get celebrity reactions and interviews.Stars who have never travelled in a borivli fast after 10p.m when the women's compartment turn's general.Or has crossed the elphinston bridge after 11p.m.
Trp's is the buzz word.The reason why You ask a celebrity to talk about a common man's problem.A actress traveling from car to carpet will wax eloquent on the trauma of beingharassed by roadside goons.Or a starlet sitting in her AC make up van will talk to you about the emotional pain and helplessness when your modesty is outraged on the road in front of everybody.
What is very difficult for me to believe is that a viewer who is a comman man
prefers to see fake sympathy and understanding than the realistic appeal of the common citizen.Your friend,or you mother,or your aunt.
Every day thousands of women get out of their homes to earn their daily bread,pursue a eductaion or travel to care for a family member or friend.Hundreds of them compromise with their self respect and peace of mind and even physical harm.What we need to fight for is security for this woman who walks on the lonely road at night to buy last minute groceries to feed you.Who takes the 12p.m local in the night to save money for your education.Who waits back in college late night to study in the library to save your money.
It is for this woman that we need to pick up our cudgels, it is this woman's voice that the nation needs to hear every bureacrat, every politician and yes every man who looks at a woman as a object of ridicule.

When Mahesh Bhatt made Me Smile

It’s been four years now working in a news channel. My job profile as a program coordinator has involved interacting with a lot of celebrities trying to get them on the Various prime time shows. Every time that I have picked up the phone and punched in the numbers of these stars my heartbeat increased to a zillion per minute.
I was a mere nobody and they were known by the world why would they pick up my call
let alone talk to me. The very first celebrity that I have interacted with was Mr Mahesh bhatt. Now when I look back nothing much seems to have changed. The same blue or black shirt, spectacles perched on his nose and a smile that at once puts you at ease.
He was a successful director and a personality and every time there was a issue that nobody dared to talk about. This man never turned his back. Not because he needed his face to appear for a few minutes on national television but because he cared.
Great men are not made by recognition but their ability to keep their head on the shoulders and their ability to make a effort even for the most inconsequential human being.
Mr bahtt had once told me that “madhu you cannot control everything.” but this did not mean that he refused to try and make it to the spot where I was hoping to get a signal for my satellite van. He walked down six floors came out of his building and walked even more to the spot where I had set up. Despite all this effort the interview did not go on air.
I readied myself for a volley of insults and reprimand. What I got in return was a message saying that “even perfectionists fail sometimes”. I messaged him back saying” sir thank you for being nice to a nobody like me. ”He messaged me back saying that “nobody is a nobody you are good at what you do and I am giving you a ovation”.
His movies are not hits because they have a astounding star cast or lavish sets or foreign locations. They touch the human heart. The man still thinks like a common man, the pain, the helplessness the dreams and the aspirations. He has not forgotten what it feels like to live a life of averages. You cannot portray emotions unless you can feel them.
That day bhatt sahab not merely transformed a very scared nobody into somebody but made me realize that it takes more than hits to be a star it takes a heart of gold.

Stand By Me

Stand by me my love,
As the sun sets behind the hills,
when the wind is blowing hard,
and your heartbeat is growing faster with
every rustle of silk,
stand by me my love,
As you hold my hand and walk the extra mile,
when you hold my breath with a look in your eyes,
Stand by me my love,
As you hold me tight in your arms,
when the fire that glows in front of us,
lingers in your warmth even at dawn,
Stand by me my love,
As the day turns to night,
When I am holding on to your arm as I obliviously lie.
Stand by me my love,
As I trust you with my life,
When today turns to tommorow,
And I share your silver night,
A wind is blowing across the mountains,
it brings with it a frangnance new of a new tommorrow
and a promise of a life for you.

Decisions are always difficult in life.The fight is between what is right and between what you want.Sometimes you wait endlessly hoping that your wait will morph into what is right.I guess the act has a timeline when you approach the very end of your security blanket you realise your feet are getting cold.That moment is when you start thinking about the time when it wont be long when you outgrow the warmness of those black threads.They say that time ticks like a time bomb.I have never been able to understand the similie.Today as I find time crossing the road and staring at me,I stop and at the moment where I have stopped,I realise that time is no longer my friend.From now on He is my adversary.From here on its a race against each other.Its a fight to win.He is not going to give me a moment to ctach my breath

Aj pyar mar gaya

Aj pyar mar gaya,
jise itne dard se kisi kone mein chipiya tha,
Aj usne mere samne dum tod diya,
ek kavi ne apni haqeekat kho di,
ek ashiq ne apni zindagi,
insaniyat ne apne jeene ki wajah kho di,
aj pyar mar gaya,
asoonoin ka mazakh aur vishwas ki dazheeyan udadi,
aj zindagi ne zinda rehne ki wajah tod di,
khoh kar bhi ehsas tha jiska,
pyar pe fakar tha uska,
aj pyar ne apne chehre se chunni faikh di,
apni badsurat shakal dikha di,
ab kya afsana aur likhe hum,
us din ko aur kya bayan kare hum,
AJ pyar mar gaya,
apko uska janaza uthane ko bulate hai hum,
uski mazhar pe ap bhi do phool chadha do,
do asoon ap bhi baha do,
kabhi wapas na ane ke liye chal diya hai woh,
badnam zindagi jine ke liye chala hai woh,
wida karo use matam karte huye,
Aj pyar mar gaya.

In nothing

In moments of death I find Life,
In flickers of loss i win,
In A hundred questions I find a answer,
In Infinity I find the end,
In today I look upto tommorrow,
In my tears I find a smile,
In depression I find hope,
In madness I find sanity,
In hate i find the refelction of love,
In disappointment I find opportunity,
In weakness I find strength,
In ashes I find a phoenix,
In the desert I look for a oasis,
In emptyness I find space.
In this life that walks alone on a path full of thorns and a few roses,
I find holding on to the softness of a tender life that lives for someone
unknown,unrecognizable.

Juilet Dies

Often I wonder whether I have got the definition of love right.
I guess you define love with your first encounter of unrepressable emotions and flowing hormones.When it doesent matter if you have to compromise on things like self respect and mental balance.I guess love is a kind of a madness .The helpless juliet as she sits next to the corpse of her beloved Romeo is the perfect expression of love at its majestic bloom.The inky oblivion above is a mute spectator to the death of hope and emotion.
As helpless as the beauty beneath its wings.
Drops of stars trail down sparkling with the intensity of pain that is shooting in the bosom of the fair lady.The night is accusing itself of causing its sinister shadow of darkness to envelope the light of love.A fight for togtherness,a battle nearly won and then lost to that fatal moment.
When love is shown a mirror.
She realises that her reflection is nothing,but a mysty shadow of nothingness.
She stands there searching for love to stare back at her hold her gaze and take her on a walk on a bed of roses.Where reason stands still and hope takes a flight of fantasy.Standing there till her legs go numb and her heart beats with a intensity that threatens to steal her breath from her cold numb frame. But wait she must till the end of eternity and even then the warmth of love will evade her.Her gaze is turning into a rock and her expectations are being captured in her glistening body.They are expensive diamonds her dreams.
There she will stand forever lost in yesterday evading today and forgetting tommorrow.
Can there be a hell greater than the one in which she rots now.Where she cant live nor can she die.A situation that is written in books and essays lives in the life of the one who loves.Is there not any penance that lifts this veil of turmoil from her life,I will walk till the corners of the earth and cross the seven seas.If only my love holds my hand once again and looks into my eyes and professes love eternal.Let my heart skip a beat once again,let me want to live in his arms forever, let me feel his heart beat next to mine dancing to the rythum of its beat.Let him hold me in his arms and let me die in contentment.
Alas I stand looking into a empty glass frame.With bitterness seeping into my soul.Slowly dissolving into my inner being and transforming the sweetness into a potion of hatred and destruction.The process is leisurely,taking it own time slowly rubbing the ingredients of pain into every opening in the soul The burning sensation murders every expectant flower of feeling and lays it to rest on the shoulder of hope.There she stands stripped of every garment of blush and bloom,shivering in the cold of loneliness,a icey breeze sends her gasping for breath and she tries to bring some warmth from the recesses of memory when she was basking in red and pink.The picture is very hazy and the face distant.
The colour of love is hers finally as it escapes her body and spills into her palms,
looking into the glassy eyes of her life she finds her dreams fly on a rainbow as the coldness is replaced by the warmth of the nectar of life as she sprays
it on her concrete frame infusing the blue with vivacious red.

As you lie in my arms,
A sigh escapes my lips,
A hope of tommorrow dies in todays dreams,
If you could just live for a moment more,
I would die in your love and live in eternity forever more.

Realization

what do you do when you are standing at that point of your life where there are no crosroads.You can see just one road that goes on forever.
You stand there staring at the dirt track hoping that by some miracle there is a small track that opens up and you have the hope of seeing yourself walk on a path other than the one in front of you.Seconds tick away and you can feel the dust slowly climbing over you like termites.You realise that its either disintegrate into nothingness or start walking towards a destiny you dont believe in.The choice between the body and soul is a difficult one.
Most of the time the choice is not yours.You dont have the strength to take that kind of a decision.Its taken for you.All that is left with you is a question the answer to which is sought by every human who goes through the realization of pain.A essence that is born out of the helplessness of man.

Kal Aur Aj Ki Kashmakash

Kabhi lagta hai ki zindagi aj hai,
Phir thodi der mein khyal ata hai ki kal bhi hai,
aus ki boondon mein suraj ka chamakna,
lahron ka ake phir laut jana,
do pal ki zindagi hoti hai has kar chal deti hai,
jhod jati hai aj ko jo aj ko kal ki himat dati hai,
har pal jo kal mein shamil hota hai apni hakeekat
bhoolane ki koshish karta hai,
hakeekat thak ke har jati hai apni arzu se,
zindagi ki jeene ki khwaish se,
shayad kal aj pe hawi nahin hoga kal ki arzu aj ko mita nahin degi,
dard ki pukar aj mein ghol na degi,
ehsas hai sirf khamoshi ka, andheri gheraiyon ka,
choote choote dam kyon tod rahi hai,
hame bulakar sath kyon jhod rahi hai.,
andhere ache lagte hai hai apni kokh mein hamein cheepa late hain,
janam lena jhahti hoon in andheron se,
cheer ke nikalna chahti hoon in ghehraiyon se,
phir kal se thodi si bheekh mang raha hai jeene ke liye thodi si dua mang raha hai.
khoon ka dariya ban rahi hai hakeekat,
asoonyon se bheeg raha hai daman,
kuch aur boondein baki hai girne mein,
us lal rang ko aur bhi gehra bananeki chahat mein.

PictureCouretsy :http://picasaweb.google.com/Varun.A.Kedia/Vision/

Journey

Its amazing how sadness motivates me to write.
I guess how much ever I deny it I am a sadist.I am writing today and I am not happy about it.Life is like a desert and happiness is like the oasis you meet on your journey.The sooner I accept it the better.YOu cannot stop your journey and stand by the water forever.You have to keep on moving "there are miles to cover before you sleep."The biggest mistake that man makes is to believe that the oasis is their destination.Its when this belief blows away in the desert storm that you wake up to the reality of life.Your feet become heavy and your will dies.The warm breeze drains you of your strength to go on.But you have to.There is no choice but to carry your cross.You are the chosen wanderer who does not have the permission to stand constant.The only thing thats consistent in your life is you.The rest are moments of clouds who shelter you from the scorching heat of life.They come and bring a moment of relief.You smile with a sigh and before you know they move to another place in the sky and you are left staring at the grinning sun above.
You are born alone and you die alone.Your whole life is spend in trying to garner people arround you who can give you the most sought after commodity COMPANY.You cant live life without people thats impossible.But you should live life without any expectations from them.Its this expectation that leads to disappointment.A feeling that leaves you with a void.A emptyness that is more cold than solid ice.
You are a human and expectation is a living testimony to that fact.Sometimes I think when god threw adam out of eden it wasnt death that was his punishment it was the seed of expectation

The Rose

The moment you see a rose you feel the blush of innocence rise to your cheeks.
It could be dark red or a light shade of pink.
A rose is the perfect symbol of love in its various shades.
For me a rose can transform me to a land of beauty in a matter of seconds.
The perfectly sculpted petals and their smooth out turn, the carefully filled colour in gods perfect design.A dark red can talk to you of passion that crosses every line of caution.A pink beseeches you to handle the passion with care.A red that's watered down with dollops of white the symbol of the pure and serene.
Its difficult to describe what is perfect,You are always at a loss of words.
I guess that's whats happening to me right now.They lie against my white wall breathing life into my life with their gentle breath.With each whiff of air they bring to be a dash of their colour and I try to fill myself with their gentle fragrance.
Together in a heap they lie patiently living each moment to bring a smile on my lips.I see them surviving each moment and dieing the next.I look at them trying my best to capture them forever.don't go I say,You are why my life is beautiful,why I get up each morning and smile,live a little more for me I cajole them so that I can feel your smoothness in my harsh life.You make this barren land look like paradise every time i lose myself into the oasis of your colour.
I close my eyes and I can see them dancing under my eyelids. I Close my eyes and I can feel the softness on my skin,I close my eyes and I feel their fragrance playing with my senses,I close my eyes and I can feel love enchanting me with its warmth.

With each rose that you give me,
I see the love that you want to share,
the yesterday that you want to wipe away and the today that says you care,
A hundred hopes one rose harbours a thousand dreams to fulfill,
but that's what a rose is living for to help you built when nothing exists,
A lesson of sacrifice it gives you as its journey comes to a end,
when every drop of beauty is bled to a descend,
but at last as it heaves and lays to rest,
there are no regrets in its petals,there is no regret in its stem,
A life it has lived for others,selfless and pure without any condescend,
even as it lays crumpled,its as beautiful as the heaven above,
For the rose is not beautiful because of its colour or because of its
delicate bow,
Its beautiful because within,
It has a heart of gold,
the strength to give you a smile for a moment
and sacrifice its life on the alter of love.

Float

I don't know what to expect from life,I guess the best thing to do is not expect
anything.
I don't know why things don't work out the way they should.
Maybe they are not supposed to the reason is like a oyster in the deep dark ocean.To reach it would be diving deep into the recesses of the cosmos.
That's what life is a huge ball of energy good and bad. The various shades of black and white flow in and out according to the this tide of energy and all you can do is float.

Bringing to Life

Happiness needs to be brought to life,
when its asleep at your hearts side,
A corner it finds for itself,
Tugs away with a blanket for a shell,
Wake it with loving grace,
pull aside the strands of stray decay,
Looking at yourself with a glass anew,
try and see the corner that you never knew,
cajole it to smile at you,
slowly awake it with a little bit of dew,
drop a drop on its eyelids and see,
how it slowly opens its petal lids,
hazily it will look at you,
as it awakes from its slumber,
its gaze on you shall become stronger,
A little patience a little strength
the rise of happiness shall be a steady ascend,
the day has come to noon and you will see,
the sun is high up in the sky and the night is no where to be seen

This one is for you richa :)

Memories

Sometimes I wish you held my hand when you should have,
Sometimes I wish you would have turned back and looked at me one more time,
Soemtimes I wish you smothered me in your arms and said that life stops here,
Life is walking again and I am walking with life towards a destination I dont know,
Every step I take I realise that you are not going to be there with my next,
Dreams and ambitions are somewhere in bits in the air,
So tired was life with me trying that it left me with nothing but memories,
Of those few moments when I thought my tommorrow will have you in it as my today,
Then i realised that if I was your world I would have been in it today,
There is a price for everything and I was not worth the price of your affection,
Sometimes this truth is difficult to accept,
then there is the realisation that you are not here with me,
The moments of betrayal,
when I was standing by your side yet was invisible to you,
when i tried to hold your hand and you shrugged it away,
when I wanted to cry on your shoulder and you made my tears guilty of that need,
when I wanted nothing but the warmth of your arms to melt my pain nd my suffering,
but then I was expecting too much of your time and understanding,
life was always difficult for you most of the time because of me,
You will always be a part of my heart somewhere tucked away with memories of those cold nights when i was next to you wrapped in your arms,
A smile on my face and the feeling that you will be by my side always,
As I walk on a path which takes me to a place which I have not seen or know,
I take with me what made me smile leaving that made me cry way behind.

Moments of Time

Sometimes life takes you by total surprise and You dont know what to do with it.It teaches you that life is never perfect that there will always be a spot left in the duri which needs to be rewoven or patched. I guess thats what makes life beautiful.The fact that it is not perfect,the various patches of colour that you sew on to the fabric makes it alive makes ,it unique makes it your life.Today I wonder whether I am keen to have in my life the same element I couldnt see my life without. There are answers to questions that never existed,there is a way where no one ever thought for treading.I ahve learned the art of living for a day in a moment. Thinking about life beyond that is a mistake. It leaves with you the feeling of sand slipping from your fingers. When you have no choice but to sit and feel the desperation of not knowing what to do with something you have no control on. I had no idea what it is to let go.Of letting go of control and going with the flow.But today I think it snot that bad a idea.Ultimately most of your life changing incidences happen because they are pre planned they are destiny.Life is a about living the moment the pain.the hate.the love and the rememberance.But everything should be for those few passing moments of time.

Anjam

Hum bhool gaye the ki pyar kya hota hai,
Thehri huyi daldal mein kamal khilna kya hota hai,
Dil dhadakta hai jab koi hath tham leta hai,
nazron se koi pegam bayan karta hai,
taron mein hum apni akhon ki chamak dhunte hai,
andheron mein bhi koi phasana pate hain,
suraj dhalta hai phir se jeene ke liye,
pyar mar ke bhi phirr se janam le hi leta hai,
waqt tham ke bhi chalta hai,
Tum kho kar bhi mil jate ho aksar,
kisi khoi hue gumnam raston mein,
farak sirf ye hi hai ke humsafar koi aur hi chal raha hai,
ehsas sirf ek ehsas hota hai yeh jan gaye hain hum,
insan sirf ek zarya hota hai,
pyar toh khudayi hoti hai
sirf khuda hi usko anjam de sakta hai.

faith

Faith is something that is kept alive in your heart by gods grace. From thinking that he has abandoned me to having him hold my hand again is like going from drowning to knowing what it is to walk on dry land.