DUA

words where would flow effortlessly, today take a huge effort to express themselves. Its not for the first time that I am at a crossroad where breathing also hurts.Numbed beyond any kind of justifictaion heart has just stopped to beat. Its very very dark and the night is getting more lonely. The sky is inky blue with not a single drop of a star giving comapny to the lonely space
above us. Blackness has a way of suffocating you, ebbing out your sanity and preservance. I hate the dark anything black brings the omnipresent onto a higher ground.
Its been a long long wait perhpas the longest of my life. It still continues snaking across my existant quitely hissing venom into my perfectly fine life. I guess there has to be a pastence used there. Life was fine today its not. Its a mess, and I have no idea where to start from. I guess some messes have to clear themselves. That sounds impractical but life can be more weirder than fiction. My life cannot claim for itself anything as tall as that. Its as common as you get. The heartaches the
disappointments the hope that one fine day there will be a fairygod mother who will change my whole life into a fairytale with one touch of her wand. Transformation will take place in every nook and corner. In my heart and in my mind, In my house and at my work In the heart of those whom I love and Those I hate.

Aj phir se kahin se dard jhak raha hai,
khamoshi se apni dua mang raha hai,
Ke shayad use is zindagi se udjane ka bahana mil jaye,
ek pal mein is kaidh se koi taras kha kar lene dawaze par dastak dene
ajaye,
hath uthe hai asman ke tarf,
jisme kahin khudai samai hai,
tumhe dekh nahin pate hum lekin mehsoos toh zaroor kar sakte hain,
kabool ho dua ye farmaish hai,
jeene ke liye thodi si zindagi dan mein
mangi hai.

The Race is On

A thought of yesterday was respresented in a cartoon of today. 4 lines for a woman raped and murdered in a slum and half a page for a upper class college kid murdered. Jessica finally got
justice it was victory of truth, but as the news room errupted in a frenzy of breaking news I calmly looked at her sister poping the champagne bottle nad wondered if a poor lady in tattered
clothes would have been given that much of screen time.
The crusade of the media finally concluded today as life term was sentenced.
Candle light vigils, protests by enthusiastic kids and hypervenatlating journalists.Hours of reel time are dedicated to talk shows discussing the injustice done by power weilding politicians and corrupt policemen,few seconds of which could have been spared for those hundreds of abductions and rapes that happen in villages and in the underbelly of thriving cities. But then visually it will not be appealing and thus not good television.
Twelve women were sentenced to life because they lynched a serial rapist. The fact that the law
could not save those hundreds of women who lost the will to live because of this man is not important enough.These women payed the price for justice. This is not a story important enough to find space in a news channel.A crusade not intresting enough to be taken up.
The pen is mightier than the sword they say. But today the pen is nothing but a tool for entertainment a element that is reduced to a game of X AND 0 the race is for increased frequency and TAM ratings. Justice and the truth have been left far behind . Manipulated and covered with a pancake meant just for attraction.
Journalism id dead what survives is infotainment.

Mind In Flight

MIND IN FLIGHT
by William B. "Willie Woo" Worcester

CLOUDS OF DOOM AND DARK OF NIGHT,
FRIGHTENED MIND IN HOPELESS FLIGHT;
A LOVELESS KISS A LIE SO FAIR,
AND FRANTIC WINGS STILL BEAT THE AIR.
A TWISTING WIND,
A STORM THAT BLINDS,
THE LIGHTENING FLASH WITH SHARPENING TINES.
A DYING WORD, A SOUNDLESS CRY, D
OES SOMEONE KNOW WHY DREAMS MUST DIE?
ONE WOMAN KNOWS WHY MINDS ARE BLACK
I CRIED FOR LOVE,
SHE TURNED HER BACK.

chalte chalte

aj humne saas li,
aj humne zindagi ko wapis khush hone ki wajah di,
Ladhte ladhte itne kho gaye hum ki jeene ki chahat hi kahin jhoot gayi,
Shayad ane wala kal beete hue kal se batar ho,
shayad gham ke andhere aur bhi bhayanak ho,
lekin us andhere mein shayad ki ek kiran hogi,
apne ap ko dhoonte hue jeet hi jayegi,
kal ki har yaad hum seemat ke rakh de rahe hai,
Sirf woh jo muskurahat mein tabdeel hote hain,
Ek khamoshi hain zehen mein,
Ek aram hai akhon mein,
na gham ke saye hai,
na khushi ke asoon,
reh gyai hai sachai ki jhalak,
aj abhi ki haqeekat,
Na kal ki chinta,
Na aj par narazgi,
Chalte chalte apne ap se thodi si khushi batne ki chahat.

The New year

The new year is coming close and I hope that my effort to bring my life in some kind of
alignment works. Its been a terrible year for me, in one word if I can describe it is pain. Every hope has been shattered and faith has been drowned in the ocean of disappointment. Every
individual I have believed in has taken a 360 degress turn around and left without a trace of
regret or shame. I have seen my dreams being salmmed across the wall of time. I have smiled
as every belief has proved itself to be shallow as the dieing stream. I have refused to compromise, I have refused to let life snatch away my right to dream. A new year , A new chance to bring together a shattered life a broken heart and a sagging strength. Everything has
a reason.
My journey through medical upheavels and heartaches has but taught me one thing that you are master of your destiny. Atleast a part of it. I for once believe in myself. I for once
believe that I am capable of living through a lot and yet have my head on my shoulders. For the
first time in 25 years of my life I am talking about myself . I guess thats proof enough.
Hope should be invested in yourself and but yourself. A humanbeing is too frail a individual to be fight for another person, to inconvenience himself for another or to compromise his ideals for another. The most strongest man fails and at that point of time its you who stands up to the occasion, its you who are your strongest support,its you who inspires you to carry the cross and yet continue living.
Its another year to my life and as I climb this mountain there have been people who came and walked with me and walked way,there have been dreams that have come true and some have faded away but I am still walking on a path etched by god and paved by him
Picture Courtesy : Danr Co http://www.flickr.com/photos/danrco/241183250/

A Song Of Love

When you love someone - youll do anything
Youll do all the crazy things that you cant explain
Youll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someoneYoull deny the truth - believe a lie
Therell be times that youll believe you can really fly
But your lonely nights - have just begunWhen you love someone
When you love someone -
youll feel it deep inside
And nothin else can ever change your mind
When you want someone - when you need someoneWhen you love someone...
When you love someone - youll sacrifice
Youd give it everything you got and you wont think twice
Youd risk it all - no matter what may come
When you love someone
Youll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone-
Bryan Adams

Love is all this and more, for somebody who lives life without a risk assessment love exists in
every moment of life . In the breeze that caresses you in the early evening , When the sun sets
just for you painting you with its numerous shades of red, love lives in the waves that touch your
feet lovingly playing with your toes with a subtlity of a child.love lives in those consonants that make your name, the sound that lingers in the air echoing through lifetimes.
I had forgotten what love was I had forgotten what life was with love. Love is not dependent on a humanbeing love is a entity itself. In this world of compromise I left it to die in a secluded
corner punishing it for breathing in my life. But then how can I live when I have strangulated breath itself. It has to live.It has thrive, It has to dance it has to smile. Love exists in my life in my dreams, in my faith in my hope.
May be there is no space for red roses in my life but there is space for pink, there may not be a hand to pick me up from the cold sand bank but there is a vision,there may not be the wait for a voice to echo through the cellphone but there is the thought, Nobody is waiting back home to pick me up in his arms but there is a home, There may not be anybody to hold my hand walk on the dark sea but there are the images. For a dreamer the dream is what makes his life worth living.
For a woman who has been in love its not the man that counts its the emotion and the realiztaion that love does not happen once in your life it lives with you for ever waiting for the right mould and the right expression a dream that gets realized into reality by the mighty hand of god. In this circle of life we need to wait for that magic when the whole universe conspires for this perfection.

Cold

Cold gripping you, entering your every bone and muscle,
you cant do anything much but to surrender yourself to its rising wave,
I dont have the strength to fight it, I dont have the energy to question its advance,
Its once agian that I live alone in a room full of people,
once again I seem to have fallen short of everybody's expectations,
The effort is never a part of the trial,
The fire is not warm enough to envelope the cold,
Dragging myself through every responsibility living for a dream that belongs to
somebody else,
I have reached my breaking point.Slowly I disintegrate as the cold breaks every bone in
my body,
slowly I tell life that I have let it down,
I face life as it is a coarse reality,
Its painful but its truth in the truest form,
There was and there will be no true love,
The fact is enough to kill every desire to live , every desire to begin a new day.
The night of yesterday has passed,
I was alone,
The cold refused to go away,
Once again life decided to mock at me,
laugh at my existance,
The loneliness and the hoplesness of my life,
For a few moments images flashed across of a situation a little different a little warmth
of concern,
Then life is not about dreams its about reality.
The sooner I realise the better.

Photo Courtesy : Johny Day
http://www.flickr.com/photos/johnydaystudio/322365456/

Ray Of Hope

The desire to achieve exists in each and every living soul. The goal could vary across classes and genre.From poor to the rich, from the intelligent to the challenged,from a mother to a newly wed. Dreams are different but the passion of desire is the same. It is this driving force that makes us human a soft target to sin. Want is a need that makes life a struggle. It pushes man
to swing between the right and wrong. I have realised that this is the only existing thread through which life is weaved. Everytime I pick up the pen words seem to state this very fact.
Sometimes life starves you of the very thing that you think is the most basic.At that point of life
what do you do.Most of the time you disintegrate.The rock near the sea slowly breaks away beaten consistently by the gushing waves. Then we are fragile humanbeings made from soil and gifted the breath of life. Yet somewhere there is the desire to fight, there is hope that tommorrow will bring with it a new beginning a new sunrise. As paul Coelho aptly coins the term
warriors of light. Infact I will say we are warriors for that light. Our life is a ongoing struggle to walk towards it fighting aagainst the darkness that constantly tries to edge its way into our existance. But then comes a time when there is no energy left in you when hope itself deserts you and you are left with no option but to accept your fate.
They say that its a matter of those few seconds between winning and losing. I hate losing and life
has been a fight to win. But through every second of that struggle god has stood by me today he seems to have deserted me , I am sure that this is a lie that I am telling myself . He is there with you when you are the weakest he is your strength. Today when again I stand at the brink of disaster and no longer believe in myself I hope that he is satnding by me holding my ahnd and not letting me fall. Because this time I dont know if I will be able to get up once I fall. Life has taken away a lot from me and everytime I have been thankful for what I have. Its cloudy again and storm is brewing and my legs are very weak. I stand alone waiting to live the storm. Tommorrow is uncertain, today a lonely disaster. They say that when it gets very dark morning is just around the corner. This night refuses to passaway and with the prolonged darkness my ray of hope has jsut died a rather lonely death.
Photo Courtesy : Pandiyan http://www.flickr.com/photos/pandiyan/42012853/

Words

This is From Ghassan a darling friend.

something for you:

“Words, they can lift you up or pull you down...
They can make you smile or make you frown...
Words can give us hope or take it away...
They can change from day to day...
Words can be true or not at all...
They can help us grow or make us fall...
Words can take a heart or rip it apart...
They are so powerful right from the start...
Words can help us understand...
They also can be used to demand...
Words can be gentle, loving and sweet...
They can make us feel we cannot be beat...
Words can burn deep into a soul...
They can also take their toll...
Words should be thought about before they are said...
They can be hurtful when misread...
Words should always mean what they say...
They should make our pain go away...
Words are precious and cherished by few...
They should be chosen wisely by me and you.”

Trying To Smile

Lost in thought

kahin dekh rahe hai ki shayad chahat chupi hai,
chand ke achal se muskurah kar dekh rahi hai,
chamkati chandni jhilmila rahi thi,
hazar tookdon mein toot kar bikhar rahi thi,
parchai ban jati hain boondo mein,
ous ki choti palkon main.
zindagi kuch der ke liye asan lagti hai,
dard ko peeche kahin chod ke chal deti hain,
har sapna sach ke aghosh mein sota hain,
sunehar pal yadon mein kaidh hone ko betab hote hain,
ankhen bandh karne ka man nahin karta,
dar lagta hain kahin andhera gher na le,
hum se hamri chahat jheen na le,
kabhi kabhi ake dastak deti hai khushi,
kabhi kabhi keemat nahin mangti thodi der jeene ki

Life

Looking at life from a dual perspective is very important. It helps you not to be a selfish, self centered individual.Its been difficult for me though. Thus despite all my efforts towards being a
good individual I guess this one big flaw has coloured my several attempts to be the perfect kid.
I like my life to be painted with my colours,one for every emotion. Blue when I am calm, green when i am contemplative, red when I am passionate,golden when I am spiritual, purple when I am angry,black when I am sad and white when I am drifting. Its very unsettling when the picture I paint is less than perfect.
Every individual has a world of thoughts and beliefs from which he keeps on borrowing a shade or two. Most of the time these shades dominate his landscape giving character to the potrait.
A attempt to blend colours which dont come from the deep reserve within ends up in a creation that is not truthful, its a lie that is drapped with brushes of paint and left to dry. But today or tommorrow when the paint starts to peal the truth stands out exposed and vulnerable.
Living your dream versus living in reality. Its a dilema that is a part of each human beings everyday struggle. TO BE OR NOT TO BE. Thats the question. Happiness is not only about our dreams its about living others. The satisfaction that you get when you see the person for whom you have made surreal real is something that cannot be matched by the gladness of your heart when u live only for yourself.
Every Individual knows this, the effort is to try and find the conviction to bring it into functionality. Usually the only motivating factor that works is love. A emotion above all and is all.
I could have claimed to have understood the emotion. But as you cannot fathom the wisdom of god. Love is a puzzle that you cannot solve. It exists yet it doesent ,now you can feel it now it disappears. life is consistent it flows like river on a plain.Without any hurdles,without any obstruction.It meanders silently covering a mile at a time. Sometimes the skies darken and the winds blow hard, then it quivers uncomfortable with the sudden change in its everyday frabic.The storm comes and storm goes, life resumes its usual routine.
There is no place for anything volatile in a common mans life. There has to be a consistent thread that keeps the whole fabric togther. Sometimes you have to compromise on your colours,
a shade darker or a shade lighter will have to do. As long as the weave is even and soothing to the eye, life has to be seen as a larger picture not as a matter of a colour or two.

Khushi

koshish karte hain aj ko tham leni ki,
khushi ko apni muthi main bandh leni ki,
gam ke sayon se daman bachane ki,
dil ko rok late hain dhadakne se,
is khauff se ki kahin uski awaz sun na le,
ehsas hone se pehle dil ki muskhurahat koi chura na le,
itna kho chuke hain hum,ki khushi bhi ras nahin ati,
dard ka ehsas badha ke chali jati hai,
nazar main asson ki adat hai, khushi bewafa hain chidha ke chal deti hain,
gam apna hain sath nibhata hai.

Mohabbat

kuch alag sa ehsas hoti ha mohabat,
Dard ke mukbare par khadi hoti chahat,
Har pal mar kar khudh ko dhoonti huyi jhoonjhoonlahat,
Ek pal main duniya ki har khushi la kar godh bhar deti hain mohabat,
eK hi pal main zindagi ujjad deti hain mohabat,
Maloom hota hai ki jala degi ye shamma,
phir bhi jalne ki jaroorat paida karti hai ye mohabat,

Asoon

Baki ek hi asoon hain,
jo asmayish kar raha hai jeene ki,
dard hai jo majboor kar raha hai ki ek hi palmein khudjkhusi kar le,
apni zindagi uski nam kar de kambakht jo arzoo le gaya jeene ki.

Painting

Breaking away today slowly,
cleaning the webs delicately,
trying to peep into tommorrow shyly,
reflecting into the closeted soul,
trying to find answers,
seraching endlessly,
standing at a crossroard .
A road unknown is pitted against a road known,
A dilema that has been faced by a poet well known,
struggling,fighting,wriggling,yet unable to get free,
A life is full contradictions of ifs and would have beens,
but the final call is of destiny of what has decided and will be,
a path etched for you in the skies,a road that unfolds on this earth,
And all you can do is follow , silently with your dreams firmly held in your heart,
with the strength to live your life painted on a canvass of unceratinity with a brush of the
almighty.

HURT

Dreams have a life of their own, breathing, growing, coloring your vision with shades of the rainbow or smudging your sight with dark opaque shades. Astha looked out of the clear glass trying to trace the droplets of water trickling down unaware of their end. Beautiful they were with their shiny sparkly round bodies; she wished that she could rush like them, desperate to dissolve into the cosmos. Her hands were getting cold; she gets up from the couch and steps towards the kitchen wanting to keep the mug in the sink. Warmth always escapes her even before she begins to get comfortable; before she keeps the mug down she tries to scavenge the last bit. DONT! Don’t think, don’t dream, don’t desire, don’t look forward, and don’t want. She looks out again at the pouring rain and smiles, it was ethereal the picture outside, green touching the skyline, droplets crashing down on the with a vengeance, she took a deep breath to catch the whiff of the sweet fragrance that fills the air when the scorching earth drinks to its satisfaction. Then bit by bit the images start to collate, she tries to turn away, tries to run away but they seem to be pulling her, cajoling her towards their cozy existence, she reprimands herself but their grasp is too strong. They show her a tomorrow that’s so beautiful, so perfect how she can ignore, how she can not walk towards the world her world when it’s perfect, where she is loved and cherished and the queen of somebody’s heart and world. A very bad idea, escapism is like a drink, a temporary solution. The next day you wake up to a splitting headache. But that does not keep you from drinking again. But as they say drinking to express joy is not the same as drinking to hide sorrow. So finally with a lot of effort ground reality is embraced once again. Full stop. She gets up and goes across to the window and throws it open, wind gushes in with a vengeance pregnant with bubbles of water and splashes on her face she has lived the moment. The cold brings her back to life, the breeze brings to her doorstep the beauty of life and she leans across to catch as much as she can of this miracle. There is the faint ringing of a bell and she tries to catch its sound trying to place it into the puzzle of her mind and it grows louder and consistent. Its loud
Enough to drown her thinking, its hurting her now somebody is trying to talk to her. There are words in-between the harshness she can’t decipher what they mean.
She crashes on the ground writhing in pain. Suddenly the noise has stopped. There is peace. She slowly looks up at the whirring fan circling like a mad vulture,
She looks away. Life just refuses to let her live.
The noise had got her once again. It was not going to let go of her. It was here to stay. Everything that should be with her slowly finds its way out of her cosmos.
An empty nest is an open invitation to characters of destruction.
Lot of effort and she finds her two feet. Standing on them is difficult, she stumbles, nobody holds her, there is hurt. A smile adorns her face. Her stride is more confident. She moves towards the almirah, beneath a maroon sari lies her
Faith her dreams her life. He smiles at her his sweet innocent smile. She smiles back at him for the last time. Her fingers tenderly tracing the counters of his face. In a flash his smile had been broken into a million pieces. Hurt was hurt by her.

There was no place for him in her life.

Eve

Eve of tommorrow,
A today slowly dieing in the arms of yesterday,
Living a lie hoping for it to turn into reality,
Waiting,patience slowly ebbing away,
Belief slowly crushing itself under the weight of reality,
Pink no longer is life ,red is not my favourite colour,
colours are changing so are the seasons,
light is turning into darkness,
strength is what you have,faith keeps you going,
the wind is blowing strong,
roots are going to be uprooted,
houses are going to lose their rooftops,
people are going to lose their shelters,
Upheavel will reign,
In the mind, In the soul.
A silver of sunshine peeping through the blackness,
Life a a flow of tides sometimes a high and sometimes a low.

Sea Of Humanity

Mirage

Yesterday I though about love.Yes once agian ! why because thats the only reason why we are here in the first place,why we get up every morning and begin the drill called life. There are a
few people who are lucky enough to wake up to a life where they live the emotion.Others like me have to find solace in hope.That one fine day perhaps morning will bring with it not emptyness but a fullfillment. Few months ago I could say life was complete.There were fireworks in the sky and I desired nothing else but for the feeling of joy to to be nestled in some corner of my heart forever. There was denial also but then who wants to think about the future when your present is so beautiful.What I though was love left me with a acute heartache
a disillusion about the most potent desire. What was it I wonder? for somebody to forget a bond that was supposed be stronger than blood took less than 2 weeks.Blinking of a eye and two years of endless conversations,care,compassion and endless waits was just washed away.The tears were mine and eyelids were his. Then what is love a mirage. The moment you come close it vanishes and marriage is a compromise that waits to happen.

Conscience

I think man unnecessarily gets worried about life.The right things and the wrong. What he says
and does is a part of a pre decided puzzle which is played in the heavens above. Its written in the bible that Man can never be good enough to not need the grace of god.If God chooses you its
because of his greatness and mercy not becasue you have been a ideal human being.
Having sincerely endeavoured to be a decent human being and failed miserably.I have to live with the fact that I am not perfect,(though I would like to believe so :) ) .I have given in to the darkside a lot many times and everytime have cursed my mortal being to it. My penchant for a rum and coke on a saturday night with a malbro light for company and my biggest shortcoming. Expectation from a humanbeing.There is no happiness as in giving. I dont know whether to approve or not. Giving has never been a thought out process its been a no options have to do it kind of a act.Maybe thats what you call a conscience.

6 Day week Trauma

I hate working a 6 day week i mean isnt it enough that i slog for the existing 5 days with stress
levels hitting the roof that I have to spend the other two combating high blood pressure.
This new job had been a medical nightmare with my system revloting with a vengence. The boss
thinks that we have no life or rather should have no life every living moment is in the fear of
under achieving. Well I dont think things are going to change much unless my boss changes his
philosphy or i change my job. Both things as possible as karan johar being straight.
Anyways its 5 minutes to 7:00p.m and i want to go home......some more sulking can be done then though nobody can beat my brother to it though ......

Azmayish

Chahe hum khudh ko azma ke dekhe,
Har woh cheez jo hame bandhti hai todke dekhe,
kya is jung ka koi fayda hai,jab jise jeetna hai wohi hansil nahin hai.
Har waqt jab kuch dhoondla sa yaad ata hai,ye jaroor sochte hai hum,
ki sapne tode jate hain,har jhooth ko sach bana kar dikhaya jata hai.
woh jhooth ko hum sach mante hai aur pani mein uski tasveer dhoondte hain,
woh tasveer jo boondon se ho kar jhalakti hai,aur usko dekh kar hum muskara jate hain
jal mein ek sajish hoti hai,tum pe hasne ka irada hota hai,kuch der ke liye asman dikha ke
zameen ki haqeekat bayan hoti hai.
naseeb ko karte hain khada katahare mein aur kahte hai ki tum gunehgar ho,
Aur kar bhi kya sakte hai? Aur kar bhi kya sakte hain zindagi se ladte ladte thak chuke hain,
har woh asha tumhare apne paron tale marte hue,ahiste ahiste peeghalte hue dekhte hain aur khade rahte hain khamosh,
asoon aj bhi jalak jate hain lekin na jane kahan se chupke se palkon ki khidki pe dastak deti
jati hain.

HR Woes

Its the 31st of the month and this date usually makes me feel a little useful in life ! because today i usually get to see numbers that are going to get translated into a dinner,groceries,the light i see at night,the salwar kammez i am going to wear and that crazy smile on my brothers face when i let him talk a little while longer to his girlfriend on my phone.Well but today i am not feeling any good at all infact i am feeling very very angry ! angry at being taken for granted when six days of your hard work are just wiped away with a wave of a irresponible hand it just makes your blood boil.HR anywhere around the world is the most @$^&*9 department they thing that they are gods gift to the unfortunate extremely dumb asses who slog their sorry but every freaking day of the week including sunday.when 8 hours is all they will grace their chair with 5 times a week the rest two being the much needed break. When every freaking muscle in your body is singing a himesh reshamaiya tune.

You

Thoughts of you cross my mind
Every second that we’re apartI know that you’re the one for me
I knew it from the start
I dream about your smile
In the midst of a busy day
And thank my lucky starsFor sending you my way
My days are so much brighter
Since you came into my life
I see a world of beauty
Each time I look into your eyes
You bring out the best in me
You keep me standing tall
I’ve never been this happy
Till you freed my heart and soul
I think you are amazing
The best there ever could be
With no doubt I can tell
That you’re the only one for me

thinking of you .. :) Thank you ghassan for filling my life with words that still the soul.

Ghassan is a activist working in warn torn palestine.I have never met him neither will I ever.What we share is
a understanding that perhaps comes from the seed of grief,of truely comprehending what sadness is and of
trying to find faith in the swamp of disappointment.they say that the world is bound with energy every single living organism thrives on this rythum.Its perhaps on this tune we dance,with the silhoutte of darkness as a backdrop.

Friday Blues

I am not cut out to write stories not like i will not be able to but because i do not have the patience.Actually its pretty depressing I mean I always thought that it would come effortlessly.
But sitting in one place for a long period of time punching in words constantly trying to put put my dreams onto paper.Thats a Effort. Have concluded that i like my dreams in my mind space
totally untangible.Paper and black ink makes it look all real i dont like it.
But will attempt it nevertheless,dont like the sound of CANT.
I hate the whole world today.I guess not hate,just cant stand it today.would like to stay at home
and stare at my new BIG television.Have been like that for soemtime actually a week totally
BLAH...........................
The colour that i would actually like in my life is the colour RED.

A perfect Union

If I was sitting to write this yesterday words would have been a stream that flowed effortlessly.
Today is a different story....As they say Impact of a situation declines over passage of time and same is the case with my reflections.Its amazing how life turns out to be a reflection in a mirror.
Whats even more amazing is when it stares at you from a 75 mm screen.
For a die hard romantic ,auntumn leaves and melodious music is a sure shot formula of feeling of
being transported in candy land.Kank delivered all that.what it also delivered was a reality punch.Love can be so irrtaional at times, I guess its always irrational. A emotion that is perhaps
the most intense in the hierarchy cannot have a simple equation to it.
Fear of the unknown and the dark has always been a part of my psyche.Coming back home on saturday night when shadows lined my side,light dawned slowly yet steadily.Sadness always coats you with a film that suffoctaes every breath of hope.It takes a lot of effort for one to cut through that.That night I saw it happen,I saw myslef rise above the long list of wants that had
blocked my happiness and As I did that I saw the light that was evading me for the longest time.
Its not about how much love somebody else brings in your life its about how much you cna love soembody else.As a human being its not possible to keep aside everything and love everybody unconditionally,but it is possible to narrow it down to a select few and weave your world around it.
Yesterday night for the first time dreams were not about a union of a man and a woman it was a
union between a woman and child.

Water Water Everywhere !

Water ! thirsting for a drop,throat parched,dry like the barren land, water surrounding you
covering each and every patch of land devouring your existance wiping away your world.
Working for a medium that is supposed to keep the world updated on the incidents of importance it came as a rude shock when i came back home one day and switched on the television. Images of villages totally sumberged in the womb of angry waters,human forms desperately searching for a piece of land ,where they can rest for sometime where their life
is safe from dissolving into nothingness.millions of people displaced ,Lakhs of people evacuated ,hundreds dead.somewhere the numbers stop making sense and what is left is this deep sense of helplessness.
As i sat there dumbed and astounded,the dance of destruction is happening just a few hundred
kilometers away from me and i have no clue.Editorial call or judgement as they say nowdays
is taken in tandem to the target audience. A urban english news channel viewer i guess is not bothered about the devastation of this magnitude hitting its neighbouring village.What he is really intrested in i guess is the bantering of a old man who has filled his pockets with food for oil money or the new supposedly new kid on the cricket block.
seventy five percent of india is still rural,every peddar road apartment has some of its roots in some form or the other in the soil of the rural farm a ancestor or a help who has left his or her family to come and serve the urban rich. How can there be a disconnect ? what are we trying to say that our sensitivities are dead, that destructions steps away doesnt move us,that all that matters to us urbanites is hyped political contoversy and soundbytes of supposedly superstars.
I refuse to buy this theory I refuse to let anybody believe that are hearts have turned so cold ,
we are a nation of responsible beings where compassion reigns in our hearts supreme,where
we come out on the road to offer warm tea to stranded strangers wont we be concerned about
our brother who has lost everything in this wide world and looks at the sky with a drop of water in his eye.

My Weekend 5th-6th auust 2006

As the rain Gods partied in the clouds above.I spend quite a lot of time in front of my television
staring at tom cruise romance bridget jones.The assault of droplets outside my window and the
darkness that the clouds had cloaked the sky added the masala to my already dipping moral.
All that was left for me to dig into my freezer for that block of ice cream.(i dont like cold in cold
weather though.)But obviously that did not keep me from indulging in more karan johar cinema of the hollywood kind.By the time it was sunday evening i had hit a new low,and was on my third round of mush movie when my television decided to desert me too.I was all alone without fiction
to drown myself in, plan B was the radio.Khayamji was my company and his music dripping with
melancholy filled my world.I was having a nice time,well i know this statement comes as a surprise but a sweet melancholy is like bitter choclate.You have to aquire taste for it.

Badi and Me

She is more than a mother to me.She is the reason why i am what i am today.She may not have given me life but she has given me a reason to live.

Birthday Wine and Chicken !

Me And My Family

Passing thought !

I sit at my desk observing the excitement hitting my news room as lok sabha goes up in flames of dissent and avoidable noise over the leak of the pathak report.The importance of the whole instance totally passes me.Maybe because civics and politics has never been my strong subject. Group politics where a fading politician tries a last attempt to survive.I dont see whats so new or suprising in the latest breach of propriety in a land where politicians call the shots from the infrastructure of a jail,this just adds up to the list.We as a sea of indian humanity are used to it. What worries me right now is the cancer of mistrust that has relapsed in the body of trust between india and pakistan.The much ceased guns and going to be fired again,blood id going to be spilled of unsuspecting civilians and kashmir will gain be reduced to a sweltering hell.

Pictures

Sexuality has been a topic that has always got eyeballs be it represented in any form. Glancing
across my daily dose of mid day i came across a article on a exhibition titled clits and tits. The artist defending the breach of verbal propriety with artistic licence.As I discussed the peg to the
story with a colleague I was trying to advocate the same right.But now as i bring my thoughts
together on the idea,i realise that the visuals have not left any kind of a sensory impact.Then what does the worth of the whole excercise boil down to shock value ?....can he be forgiven for
abusing our sensitivities.I am not against sexuality I am against crudeness.

The walls of jehangir art gallery have been witness to many a artists vision,as you sail alongside each dream you can feel their dreams talk to you alive,draped in colour and symmetry.

This time it is about a thought which perhaps hastily scribbled on canvas with a theme that never forgets to invoke a response. As they say any Publicity is good publicity.

My hope

one of the most amazing things about life is how one fine day you have everything that you wished for and then the next you have nothing .Whoever invented The idea of ground zero should be shot.Perhaps the whole idea of winning after a season of loss is what makes life for intresting, but what takes you on the other side of the river bank is faith.Through all the trauma and tribulations in life thats one magic word that has seen me through the most of my difficult times. Calmness can be very scary,when water stands still there is a errieness which creeps slowly and steadily over you,there is going to be disaster you know its lurking somewhere,slowly creeping towards you inch by inch its like dieing slowly and steadily.Your soul leaving your body bit by bit leaving you totally empty.Its life without a purporse,without a reason,without a crusade.
As I read a 3 page interview of the diva rekha,i got answers to the many questions which have been swimming in my head for a very long time why dont i have any body in y life with whom i
can share my mornings and my nights why dont i have a baby i could hold in my arms and rock to sleep why dont have a home i can come home to . I need to not expect that is the key, i have been told that many a times by many a people,and a woman who is the epitome of beauty and sucess advises the same too.But at the age of 25 I am sure that nirvana was far away from her thought.But I guess it comes with time and with age and the understanding that from here there is no turning back.

But there is hope still even at this spot in life when the sun has crossed over the horizon and that is what i am never tired about writting.

A few thousand for a few words

45,000/- rupees for a old man against a white wall some million miles away in a neighbouring country pakistan.To talk about another man who has brought a country to the edge of desperation. when in a remote village a mother gives her young baby liquor because food is a commodity she cant afford and the sight of her loved one crying with hunger puts a knife through her heart.so she puts her beloved to sleep not with the soft crooning of a lullaby but with the intoxication that the drink brings.

Horns

I often wonder when will i be able to rise above the shadows,its a wait that just doesnt seem to end.My quota of excuses has run out and now whats with me is this extreme emptiness.
I dont know what to do may be I do I just dont want to acknowledge it.Have always believed that you take life by the horns but now I am getting tired,very tired.
They say that when the night gets very dark the sky is just bursting with the expectancy of light,I am waiting for the silver lining and my patience is on the brim of a disaster. I need to reinvent myself .Yesterday I went through those dark tunnels of lonliness and the quest continues.Every day that i have gone home i have thought that tommorrow i shall fill up this space with the menanderings of my heart.But somehow i think and right now i will leave at that
thought ........smile..........wait

From Ghassan

I wonder if it is possible to feel so connected to a person who is a million light years away,and whom you have never met,the only thread being those words that have drapped your thoughts.


Ghassan lives in the war torn palestine and fights with life evry moment of his life,surrounded my poverty and struggle with a brother jailed for his fight for freedom whom he has been desperately trying to rescue....yet his love for life and positive attitude is remarkable,for a man
who has lost a lot and keeps losing a little bit ever more his faith in love makes you want to salute him..... thats why he will always be my inspiration.

So many things I want you to see
So many things I want you to feel
As I sit here patiently
Patiently waiting For the time come
Where your heart beats for me
And two hearts beat as one
So with every flower I give youAnd every letter I writeA new piece of your heart is unveiledFor me to hold tight.

The Stage

Words,thats one thing i am good at,i love weaving words into a beautiful dream.Thats projection i guess.The most ugly turns into the most ravishing and for that moment i escape reality or rather reality escapes from me.There is but one hitch,before you smile to yourself content in the
bliss of a life fair and fulfilled,the mist clears and you are left staring at the ghastly face of the
truth.You cant run away from it how much ever you try,trust me i have time and time again.
How i wish the coccon of my thoughts never leaves me,how i wish i could be wrapped around the
warmth of those beautiful moments,memories and dreams.Alas life is not a bed of roses but a cradle of thorns with a occasional bloom. Which dies a pre mature death,strangled by the cutting,strangling pointers.

Once again life turns full circle, i stand from where i began,but this time with a resolve not to begin the journey yet again,this time life has taught me the biggest lesson of my life that your road is travelled only by you,companions walk by your side till the road leads in their direction,then leave you alone to walk again under the scorching sun,with emptiness on either side inside and out.
Solution to loneliness can never be found,you were born alone and die alone and you live alone,trying and fulfilling every role to its best,the role of a daughter,a sister,a emlpoyee,a boss and last of all a humanbeing and as u essay each role what accompanies is your solitude.To This list is the role of a wife,a lover and u try and play these roles to perfection too,but soemtimes you get carried away.
You think that this is a part played by two. you and him,but here you are mistaken,the biggest
disappointment awaits you at the end of the last scene when the curtain draws and you find yourself once again all lone. The play is over the role essayed and your partner takes a bow,as
the drapes close in on you the hand that holds your hand untwines itself you find yourself standing alone surrounded by darkness and the realisation that you have to cab it home alone.

A Definite watch

Tagline: What is more important: satisfying one thousand desires or conquering just one...

SAMSARA is a spiritual love story set in the majestic landscape of Ladakh, in the Himalayas, about one man's quest to find enlightenment.

Plot
Tashi, a brilliant young disciple, is just completing three years of solitary meditation in a remote hermitage. Brought out of a deep trance, Tashi is taken back to his ancient monastery where he slowly recovers his strength, but his return has unexpected results. Despite a life devoted to the rigors of spiritual development, he finds himself experiencing a surprisingly profound sexual awakening. These feelings coincide with his journey to a village to perform a harvest blessing where he meets Pema, a beautiful young woman.
For the first time, Tashi begins to question the spiritual values of his monastic existence, realizing that one has to experience worldly existence in order to renounce it. Through Tashi's eyes, this spiritual and moving love story chronicles one man's discovery of the promise of SAMSARA -- the world

Mein aur Meri Tanhahi

Sach

Kal phir ek khyal aya,
ke shayad kuch galat sa hum ne kar diya,
zindagi ke sath ladte ladte thak gaye,
jab kasoor nahin tha tab bhi apna liya,
chahat jab har hadh par kar jati hai ek junoon sa ban jati hai,
usme phir pyaar nahin bajta hasil karne ke tamana reh jati hai,
ek ansh ehasas ka jis pe zindagi booni jati hai,
lekin jal is yaad ka itna pucca hota hai,
ki har koshish use todne ki nakam ho jati hai.
tab samne sach khada pate hai hum,woh sach so haqeekat hai khawab nahin,
tab neend se jagte hain hum aur uska hath tham late hain.

Sirf Ek

Ek Ajnabi sa ehsas zindagi badal deta hai,
Ek Ajeeb si kasheesh zindagi rok deti hai,
Ek zindagi tumhe badal deti hai,
Ek judai dil tod deti hai,
Ek khamoshi bol chura leti hai,
Ek azmayish tumhe tod deti hai,
Ek pal ,hamesha bana deta hai,
Ek aj kal ke liya chal deta hai,
Ek tum ho aur kash hamesha rahoge.

IT HAS RAINED

Struggling with what is right and trying to not do what is wrong is perhaps the most difficult predicament that a human being faces.

For every waking moment and every moment when i was asleep I have fought with darkness,the fact that me was falling into the sin of thought.
Yesterday as i saw amir khan woo kajol,

there was this one scene where she says that what feels
right is right enough for me. I thought way to go girl,and then as amir khan lay in her arms breathing his last I thought perhaps not.
Why is it so difficult to make the heart see reason,this is one explainantion that i want from god.
Today I got the answer,

if you really hate your addiction,you will ask god to help you get rid off it.
A glass,a stick,a kiss or a white powder.
In my case addiction of so called love of have beens and could have beens........todays earnest
prayer has been for me to be able to get rid of that baggage,so that i can start my life once again
with hope. Light has come and gone so often that before it starts flickering,my heart starts pounding with fright,that i may loose it again forever.Hope is a very fickle mistress.
This time it has rained once again and the river bed has once again started filling up.

But this time round its going to take a little longer,the bed has eroded more than it usually does,hope of a heavy downpour is not enough this time,the heavens have to open up and the stars have to fall down on earth in large droplets of nectar.

The parched ground is not going to settle for anything less.

The Boss

The boss is the most important person in your life,i guess even more important than your spouse.He can make you or break you.This post is dedicated to my boss the editor in chief of
Times now.Its been a year since I have commenced working with him and he has been a bag of surprises.Good ones.Its always taken for granted that a anchor is a fire spewing foul mouthed
autocrat,and you prepare yourself to stand before the dragon.Frankly when i took the offer my colleauges had warned me of walking into hell itself.But i had made up my mind.

Today as I write this I think i did no wrong.I can say that my boss is the one of the most fair men i have met in this profession.Not denying that he has moments and during them i wont deny i felt like probably it should rain on him.
But he has accepted editorial judgement of mine and actually canceled his story idea becasue i thought it was something not right and the most heartening thing was when he pacified a intern becasuse she was upset that another reporter was send to cover a event for a beat that was hers......... there is hope and i see it everyday in a black shirt, specatcles and a hypersensitive attitude.

LOST

As the sun sets I look at it with appreciation,
it colours the sky with beauty as it moves towards the womb of the sea.Its selfless act astonishes me.Then i look on with a smile as I
realise that it will rise again with a new tommorrow, a new day,a new begining and I look
eagerly at it trying to lose my self in its etherialness and run away from stark reality called LIFE.

TUM

As every word is uttered after I have thought of you a thousand times, I bring myself to look away from you once again, because I know that now there is no other way. You have walked away from me into a world that is many light years away, you have built yourself a nest in that milkyway and I am left looking at that empty space where I had visioned myself with you content with each other forever.

My ground has been shattered with your departure, I was fighting with destiny and I lost.
Seeping into my soul is the feeling of hatred for myself the fact that I cannot forget, there is so much to forget ,the quite water in front of me reflecting the lights of hope, the graying sky above me or you sitting in front of me with that innocent smile, looking at me with what was everlasting love. What do I forget the million lights in the sky that scatter themselves each time we met, celebrating are love, colours of every shade that gathered the sky in their arms, what do I forget your nearness to me as I hold on to you scared of losing you to that demon called fate

what do I forget you tell me for you have easily forgotten.

Reflections

I wrote this on 23/12/2005,I guess the early realisations of a dream being shattered.


One of the most amazing things about love is that when you think that you havesucceeded in giving it the slip,it suddenly peeps at you from behind the curatin and scares the hell out of you....its a long journey from the self destruction to the somewhat slivers of peace that you manage to redeem for yourself and boom.....it takes a few minutes of that fatal smile or light touch for your whole world to come crashing down agian into the void of darkness that has been so much a part of your life and you ask the eternal question why me ?the answer to that has never been found by anyone....perhaps it is supposed to evade you forever like the reflection of the moon in the calm and dark river....perfect yet a million light years apart....and then once again starts the wait that travels through every moment that you breath,every thought that you think,through your very existance.....

THE ANIMALS BEHIND BARS

I dont know what to write frankly,this blank white space is as bad as the white paper that used to grin at me in college.It was war between me and the emptiness, I guess it still is.Its just that
emptiness gets dispalced and not replaced sad but true.
Its funny how Life comes full circle" kuch alag ho to batao".I wish i could say " and it gets better" but it doesent it just gets worse.......why! i wish once again there was a answer to it. I have already mentioned wish twice and i have to refrain because according to englsih grammer you cannot use one word often in a paragraph.
RULES basically that is the problem! conditioning and acceptable social norms .Somebody else tells you what is the right thing to do and you burn your wishes your happiness at the alter of acceptance. I envision life which is free of any do's and donts and no i dont think you can give me the argument of what will society come to! its not like its different anyways a zoo where the wild animals run wild and the domestic ones are locked behind bars.

Of Love and everything that comes with it !

SIGH!
thast the first thing that comes to my mind when i think about the love of my life(i am supposed to use a past tense to that but i guess the phasing out process will take some time) 11 days exactly from today 1/5/2006.
One shouldnt take for granted chemistry thats one thing i have learnt for sure.......two days ago this post would have been a little more intresting overflowing with sweet verbs and adjectives but for now the plain fact should do..............the ability to completely let yourself drown in the now.I wish i could do this more often live in the now than tommorrow. i dont believe in escaping reality with this relationship i always have, and wont think twice before i do it once again.
the blinking of those far away lights adorning the queens necklace and the pitter patter of mindless converstion with soft sand tickiling my feet will always find its way from my subconscious to my conscious each time i whiz past the past still existing in the present. with it will also exist the granules of time which have flown by a longtime ago.............

Blessed

As I was coming home I got a call from my aunt,somebody was in trouble.Here is the story;
She is a principal and a parent was in trouble.The father is a poor man working for a golf club,he was told to deliver golf clubs worth 2 lakhs to a address,he cant read or write therefore on the way he steps down from the cab to ask for directions and the cab driver zooms off with the loot.
The poor man has lost his job and has been threatened with a case.The police have been nice enough to not register a complaint against him but have expressed their inability to track the cab down. I often wonder why god tests the most helpless, the only earning member of the family and even the paltry earnings have been stopped. At a point in life when i am moping about the sorry state of affairs of my life (a stuck career graph and relationship) that call has made me realise that how blessed I am to have a life that is flowing as smooth as a still sea.For
once I am thankful for the stillness,for it is much better than a upheavel so traumatic as above.

Prose and Poetry

19/4/2006 APRIL

ON LOVE
Khalil Gibran

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

love always has been a integral part of my life i guess this stands true not only to my life but for every living creature on this planet.

"God so loved his people that he gave his only beloved son."

There is no expression of love greater than this.I can say that i have been in love.True love.I have smiled,I have cried,I have laughed and I have sighed and above all i have forgiven.Love is all the above.Its a fire in which you want to immolate yourself again and again because the cold that will seep into your bones will be unberable for you.The coldness that loneliness brings to you the hoplessness of life and the nightmare of living life a lone wanderer.But then love is a mystic its god who touches you through a emotion which you have no control on.I have tried trust me I have and have lost.Love brings you closer to god though the object is a common man. It takes you to a level of humanity that you never thought existed it makes you the human being that he envisioned you as at the beggining of time.

I wander again in a wildnerness where i seek that which i have lost.I Dont hate him becasue i know its not him that i yearn for i yearn for God, I yearn to be what he wants me to be his child in the truest sense of the word.

Me,my work and my boyfriend

20/4/2006
I am so bored right now!i dont know why life is a full circle professionally and persoanlly
work has being my passion i guess a samll time program co ordiantor cannot weild the power
to transform...........i hate it i have realised how important it is to have the freedom to think and put the thought to action.just realised how wrong was the choice in life....hope the right choice
comes along.. Ego is always the mans prorogative.Sad but true


19/4/2006 april
Work has not improved and boyfriend ahs not improved either.yesterday i was left thinking if it was my fault as he said..A night of accusations and a morning of mourning,eight years have passed this has been the way of life but everytime i guess both hima nd me have found the strenght to go on.I doubt this time becasue
yesterday he said something i had been doubting for the longest time ever......if i meet somebody who understands me i will marry her that instant( this after i have been insisting on a clarity of marriage for the longest time possible).I am a compromsie that i know i guess so is he but i have never treated him as one.whereas all this while i have been.I guess for the million times i have thought it has ended i guess this time it is for sure.He will be going to hyderabad and geography will play the role that psychology was trying to do for a long time :)


My Comments today................................

okay yet another day and i have to still figure out my life....i am so fed up of it....the boss is once again yelling and screaming for reasons i am sure he has and if he does not then who is he anyways answerable to.i ahve come to believe that it does not help being a principaled individual it does not get u anywhere but surely can get you shot.being nice and undersatnding to boyfriend who ahs figured out life as ur side and my side and no stepping into my territory...reminded me of school days this is my side of the desk that is yours and dont come on my side hump.why do i ahve to tolerate this god knows.the whole worlds immaturity ahs to fall in my lap.damn and i thought last weekend that i was ready for marriage can u beleive it rather he was ready for marriage but alas. the person who said that women are difficult to undesratnd should date my boyfriend.
2:10 AM
madsnow said...
MY CURRENT STATUSWell i dont know if i should be so mad and i seriously need to figure out this edit stuff.anywyas i need to do something constructive with my life i am agian where i began...at nothing....i have a feeling that i will never be able to get that much deserved break....i am so unhappy right now....making calls and begging people to come on weird shows.for beginning it wasnt bad at all and i liked doing it too but right now after spneding 3 years in news is getting a tad frustrating specially when i know i have the grey cells to do something more constructive.to top it all i have a 10 year old boyfriend to deal with who thinks that being concerned is returning a call abck and asking where are you.(god) i msut have been a sinner in my last janan..... damn i mena how difficult its is to care for somebody or perhaps i am digging for gold where none exists.how can anybody be so self centered yaar...i cannot afll sick and even if i ahev then its not a big deal......i cannot ahve my days of downhill because i have tod ela with them but if bf the great is having a mood upset i should Control my pms and give a shoulder to cry on.
madsnow said...
the last time i wrote something it disaperaed so am damn bored right now to repeat it.....but in prescie style(i know i have spelled it wrong) am totally mindF*****.well ajay my exboyfriend was a asshole later on but what ever time we dated he had a amazing chill effect yaar like he could read my mind and though he didnt move the earth and moon to make a difference to my life somehow i knew he could.i know i sould kill myself to even think like this when i am contemplating marriage which i am not so sure about right now... but who said life was a straight line its screwed even more then a jalebi
5:20 AM